Am I the unreasonable one here?

[OneVividLilacDuck]

My Husband and I have recently had a row because I’ve got the hump with the amount of activities he does.

For example - he works 6 days a week, goes gym 3/4 times a week (1 hour in the morning), sometimes plays golf for a few hours here and there and plays football on a Sunday for 5 hours

We have 2 young kids (3&1) and I feel like I’m grasping on to anytime we can spend together as a family.

in all honesty it drives me mad that there is not 1 day in the week where he is just available the whole day. Is that unreasonable of me to be annoyed at that??

he says if I want to find a hobby we can work to find the time. Okay, when? And if I’m out doing a hobby when is there time to spend as a family?

He has just given me a solution that he can sometimes miss a game of football to do something all together. Am I mad in thinking that maybe he shouldn’t play football on the Sunday?

I just feel like all I want is time spent together and I think it’s not normal that he isn’t home for a whole day in the week. Or is that normal and I’m just wanting too much? Am I unreasonable?

Who plays football for five hours?

football is usually 9-2
9am - travel to game, train before
10:30 - kick off
and then however long the game is, getting showered, changed, maybe have a pint at the pub and travel home, usually back around 13:30-14:00 xx

Why does he work 6 days? Do you work full time? If you work part time or don’t work could he drop a days work and you pick up an extra and put kids in childcare so that he has an extra day off which you can spend together? It’s not unreasonable for him to play football once a week, the reason it doesn’t fit into his free time whilst also allowing family time is surely because he’s working too many days to get any work/ life balance.

I guess the whole day thing wouldn't necessarily bother me, but the total amount of personal time he gets, compared with yours would.

Doesn't seem like you get any time to yourself, and your kids get no family time, but your partner gets to do everything he wants to do. Has his life changed much since having kids? Has yours?

Yanbu. When you have young children you need dedicated family time (if possible, obviously sometimes work patterns etc won’t allow but in your situation it’s a choice). He’s being very selfish.

This.

That is a good point, I do work part time at the moment and am waiting for the opportunity to go full time in my team (which is hopefully sometime in the near future by the seems of it) maybe then he can drop working the Saturday.. thank you

Maybe this is something that bothers me deep down. I feel like my life completely changed, I don’t think I’d even recognise the person I was before I had children.
his life has changed too but definitely not to the scale mine has, maybe I’m resentful in a sense?

He's a single man who has fathered your children, and you probably have replaced his mum by doing stuff for him.

I don't think you are unreasonable. I think it's okay if you both have equal time for hobbies, but if he only has one day off a week, and then spends the majority of the hours the children would be awake during that day off doing his own thing, that's a bit sad. Is he going to the gym when they are still asleep in the mornings or are you doing everything?

My children’s father was the same. He worked 6 days a week went gym every single day mostly in the morning so would leave at 5/6am then work all day until 6 and 2/3 times a week go boxing training. He would also go on nights out weekends away little holidays all the while me and my 2 sons (4 and 8) was at home with them asking if they were going to see him today.

Thankfully he’s gone it’s been rough but now my kids don’t miss him because you can’t miss someone who isn’t there!

Im sorry op but your partner is very selfish he is only thinking of himself. Don’t let this carry on I remember the sadness I carried and also the frustration. I knew he was never gonna change and even now he hasn’t got time for his children because he is so selfish.

Maybe try sitting down just you two and having a talk about it. Try and get him to see it from your point of view and explain how it makes you feel. Hopefully he will understand and make changes for you and your family.

Absolutely not on. He’s not behaving like a father. Frankly its not enough for him to grace you all with a fun day out instead of football - he needs to show up to parenting, and to your couples relationship too.

You need to map out work, chores/household, parenting, family time (meaning playing/parks), couples time and each of your personal time. Find some balance for now and revisit as your kids get older/ you go FT, etc.

He is a selfish arse who clearly doesn’t give a flying fuck about you or your kids. Kick him to the curb and trust me you’ll be so much happier, you never know, you might even get a day or night to yourself once a week.

Tell him you want to see either his plans for regular family time or you want to see his plans for 50/50 parenting.

Short, sharp and pithy. But I think that you, too, need to either shit or get off the pot. Look at what your life is, decide what you want and decide what your alternative is. And then follow through.

He isn’t a proper father/ husband- he is just a glorified sperm donor

He needs to understand that when you decide to have children your life changes. You cannot carry on acting as a childless adult.
He needs to start putting his family first. Sit down and explain to him that he chose to he a father and husband. He now needs to prioritise his wife and children.

What's his job? If he's a builder that's around from 3pm each day I'd say that's more beneficial than someone who is out from 7am until 9pm each week?

he works 10:30am-21:00pm Monday Friday - goes gym 7-8am

Saturdays he works 6am-12pm

Sundays - football 9am-2pm

It sounds like he's not bothered about family time but he is finding time for himself and you should do the same. Stop asking him for family time that he's not interested and find some things to do while he looks after the kids sometimes.

I'm not saying you shouldn't spend time as a family but you asking for it isn't necessarily going to make him want it but you doing your own thing may make him realise he wants you around more and more importantly that it's not that easy looking after the children alone.

So he got married, had two children, but still acts like a single man.

Except for the bit where he has someone to service all is needs - food, cleaning, laundry, sex - on the home front.

You are his maid and nanny, bringing up his children for free so that he doesn't have to. He'd rather be doing all his sport stuff than spending time with you. That is never going to change.

Thanks ladies.

your responses have validated how I feel. Maybe I should just do bits for me and make plans with the kids regardless of what he’s doing.

sad really

So Saturday afternoons are free for family time?

Or most of Sunday afternoons?

It doesn't sound that bad given his working hours.

Ime get on with your life raising your dc and having fun with them. When they don't have much of a relationship with their df it really won't be your fault.
Ask him how he sees his relationship with them as teenagers..
My exh hasn't seen our dc for over 20 years...
Because he didn't raise them. Or do anything but hand over bill money.

So there’s no family time? How can you do days out? Does he play football every weekend? That would drive me insane.

OK, so he gets to go to the gym every morning before work, because by default you're at home looking after the kids. Start there. Say you want to go 2/3 mornings instead while he looks after the kids. Even if you're not a gym person, just do it. He can have the enjoyment of breakfast with his kids instead.