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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset with husband over tiktok searches

46 replies

Nad011 · 27/06/2025 20:25

Me and DH both 28 have been together since the age of 17. We have one ds together. He really is the perfect partner. Allows me to work part time and keep every single penny of mine to myself, pays all the bills and allows me to use his card whenever I like. He is affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. He doesn’t have a high sex drive and neither do I but every now and again we do spend that kind of time together and everything seems so good. In the past one of our issues has been porn and his usage of it. Currently now he can’t access it as we have parental control settings and he has no form of social media apart from TikTok which he got a few months ago. I haven’t looked through his phone in so long but did last week and found absolutely nothing. It was only when he was showing me something on TikTok and searching for a video to show me I saw some innapropritae stuff on the “suggested” but it didn’t show he had searched for any of this. He told me it’s just random suggestions that comes up. Anyways today I found out you could see a persons full search and watch history. I took his phone while he was in the shower and scrolled far down and found that he had searched for “baddies to finish off to” and a few other things and when I went on his watch history it had shown he’d watched about 30 videos of this half naked girl and a few of a girl jiggling her bare ass and shown he’d watched it at around midnight when he is usually downstairs watching tv whilst I was up in bed. It was only on this one day he had looked at all these videos. I’ve confronted him and told him it’s not fair how it’s me that ends up not being to sleep at night when this happens and he’s giving me the same kind of apology he always did and seems regretful but I just can’t seem to tell myself to get over it and stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Changingletters · 27/06/2025 20:39

How can you say he is "the perfect partner" when he uses porn and gets his sexual gratification from watching other women?

If you are married you both presumably took vows and are supposedly in a monogamous relationship. But he is looking outside your marriage for sex.
You've confronted him but his apologies mean nothing.

I wouldn't want you be in a relationship with someone who disrespected me in this way and was looking for sexual fulfillment from others.

ChristmasRager · 27/06/2025 21:04

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think this is that big of a deal. You’re absolutely in a monogamous relationship still (unless you believe otherwise). But of course, if this has been discussed and he’s promised to stop then it’s of course a breach of your trust. I’m sorry you’re feeling so upset xx

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 27/06/2025 21:09

I don’t really understand the assertion that ‘he doesn’t have much of a sex drive’ alongside the fact that he has a problem with porn. Surely that suggests he does have a sex drive, he just prefers to satisfy it with porn than with you? I think that’s what my issue would be.

OneWorthyGoose · 27/06/2025 21:10

He really is the perfect partner

DELUSION AT ITS FINEST!

You wouldn’t have written this post if he was.

namechangetheworld · 27/06/2025 21:15

Apologies OP but but I couldn't get worked up about my DH having a quick wank over some random woman jiggling her arse on Tiktok. It's incredibly tame in the grand scheme of things.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 27/06/2025 21:16

namechangetheworld · 27/06/2025 21:15

Apologies OP but but I couldn't get worked up about my DH having a quick wank over some random woman jiggling her arse on Tiktok. It's incredibly tame in the grand scheme of things.

Even if he ‘doesn’t have much of a sex drive’ with his partner?

namechangetheworld · 27/06/2025 21:17

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 27/06/2025 21:16

Even if he ‘doesn’t have much of a sex drive’ with his partner?

OP doesn't have much of a sex drive either. It's right there in the OP.

And having sex with a partner is completely different to solo masturbation, as you're aware.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 27/06/2025 21:18

namechangetheworld · 27/06/2025 21:17

OP doesn't have much of a sex drive either. It's right there in the OP.

And having sex with a partner is completely different to solo masturbation, as you're aware.

Edited

I know, I can read! I just know that I personally would be a bit bothered if my husband told me he ‘didn’t have much of a sex drive’, but was also a regular porn user. He clearly does have much of a sex drive, he just prefers to satisfy himself.

Appletrig · 27/06/2025 21:20

With a low sex drive yourself I don’t see why this is a problem. He’s a man, he’s going to masturbate 🤷‍♀️

DustyTangerine · 27/06/2025 21:23

Going through his phone on the sly is a huge breach of his privacy. I’d go nuts if my DH did that to me, but then neither of us go in for controlling behaviour

gamerchick · 27/06/2025 21:29

OneWorthyGoose · 27/06/2025 21:10

He really is the perfect partner

DELUSION AT ITS FINEST!

You wouldn’t have written this post if he was.

Tbf it sounds like he's well matched with the OP. Searching through phones indeed. No way it's now and then.

namechangetheworld · 27/06/2025 21:30

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 27/06/2025 21:18

I know, I can read! I just know that I personally would be a bit bothered if my husband told me he ‘didn’t have much of a sex drive’, but was also a regular porn user. He clearly does have much of a sex drive, he just prefers to satisfy himself.

Having a low sex drive doesn't mean he doesn't have sexual urges or ever need release though. He might not enjoy sex for a dozen reasons, maybe he's uncomfortable with his body, maybe he doesn't enjoy it, maybe he's had bad experiences in the past, maybe he just can't be arsed. OP clearly doesn't enjoy it much either so it's clearly not a big issue in the relationship.

DrowningInSyrup · 27/06/2025 21:31

Changingletters · 27/06/2025 20:39

How can you say he is "the perfect partner" when he uses porn and gets his sexual gratification from watching other women?

If you are married you both presumably took vows and are supposedly in a monogamous relationship. But he is looking outside your marriage for sex.
You've confronted him but his apologies mean nothing.

I wouldn't want you be in a relationship with someone who disrespected me in this way and was looking for sexual fulfillment from others.

He's not looking outside his marriage for sex. He's getting turned on by sexy ladies on tiktok. It's a million miles away from cheating. It's quite possible your husband gets turned on by attractive women on the train to work. It doesn't mean he is going to sleep with them. I think the OP's attitude towards their finances is more of a concern.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 27/06/2025 23:17

Nad011 · 27/06/2025 20:25

Me and DH both 28 have been together since the age of 17. We have one ds together. He really is the perfect partner. Allows me to work part time and keep every single penny of mine to myself, pays all the bills and allows me to use his card whenever I like. He is affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. He doesn’t have a high sex drive and neither do I but every now and again we do spend that kind of time together and everything seems so good. In the past one of our issues has been porn and his usage of it. Currently now he can’t access it as we have parental control settings and he has no form of social media apart from TikTok which he got a few months ago. I haven’t looked through his phone in so long but did last week and found absolutely nothing. It was only when he was showing me something on TikTok and searching for a video to show me I saw some innapropritae stuff on the “suggested” but it didn’t show he had searched for any of this. He told me it’s just random suggestions that comes up. Anyways today I found out you could see a persons full search and watch history. I took his phone while he was in the shower and scrolled far down and found that he had searched for “baddies to finish off to” and a few other things and when I went on his watch history it had shown he’d watched about 30 videos of this half naked girl and a few of a girl jiggling her bare ass and shown he’d watched it at around midnight when he is usually downstairs watching tv whilst I was up in bed. It was only on this one day he had looked at all these videos. I’ve confronted him and told him it’s not fair how it’s me that ends up not being to sleep at night when this happens and he’s giving me the same kind of apology he always did and seems regretful but I just can’t seem to tell myself to get over it and stop feeling this way.

"Baddies to finish off to" I would have burst out laughing in his face. Baddies 😂

Well OP, you've laid your boundary. He's crossed it. What now?

Personally I couldn't live like this, not being able to trust my partner and having to check their phone. You're highly unlikely to meet a man who doesn't use porn but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have high standards.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 28/06/2025 07:40

MyQuirkyTraybake · 27/06/2025 23:17

"Baddies to finish off to" I would have burst out laughing in his face. Baddies 😂

Well OP, you've laid your boundary. He's crossed it. What now?

Personally I couldn't live like this, not being able to trust my partner and having to check their phone. You're highly unlikely to meet a man who doesn't use porn but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have high standards.

I thought ‘baddies’ were bad guys in films… like The Joker or Lex Luthor. That’s what my kids used to call them anyway!

ARingtoit · 28/06/2025 07:51

I don't think this is a big deal myself but I imagine coupled with low sexual intimacy it must feel like it is. If you can afford some couples counselling or a Beductated subscription you could learn together and improve that side of your partnership. The answer here is more open communication and working towards more intimacy together.

AltitudeCheck · 28/06/2025 07:52

Is he not allowed to have a wank? This seems incredibly controlling!

If you were upstairs in bed, presumably he didn't want to disturb you/ assumed you wouldn't appreciate being woken up and decided to have a wank. It sounds like an infrequent/ occasional thing, not like he's downstairs beating him self off every night leaving you high and dry!

Are you upset that he needed a little visual help?... it doesn't even sound like it was porn, more some mild titillation. I really wouldn't be able to get even the vaguest bit upset about this!

MiloMinderbinder925 · 28/06/2025 07:58

Why are you regularly checking his phone? If you don't trust him,your relationship isn't very good.

Notuntrustworthy · 28/06/2025 07:59

Total non event. He hasn't cheated. Poor guy isn't even allowed to search for porn on his own phone as he is locked down by parental controls.

Look, I don't like porn that involves real people, it's exploitative and tacky, but loads of people do. And a woman dancing on tiktok is probably not the worst of porn - she's unlikely to be a trafficked exploited woman and there aren't any men in the background getting rich off her jiggling bum.

I think your general approach to the relationship seems a bit controlling and it might be worth reflecting on that and reading up on why him having an orgasm while thinking about someone else feels such a terrible thing to you.

Thatsnotmynamee · 28/06/2025 08:00

Honestly don't see this as a massive problem - but I do think going through his phone sounds really suffocating, and not good for either of you guys.

HunnyPot · 28/06/2025 08:03

Does he know you look through his phone when he doesn’t have it on him? Why don’t you confess that to him and see he still allows you to use his card whenever you want?

PersephoneParlormaid · 28/06/2025 08:08

If you don’t have trust in a marriage, it’s just cohabitation.

GagaBinks · 28/06/2025 08:13

On the side of the husband over here 🤷‍♀️

IamnotSethRogan · 28/06/2025 08:16

Honestly you sound very controlling. I can't believe you have parental controls to control what your partner watches.

I know people have different views on porn but I personally think it's completely over the top to have this sort of reaction over him having a wank while watching a tik tok

User32459 · 28/06/2025 08:18

He's not the first man to masturbate when in a relationship, he won't be the last either.