To be fed up with DP’s brother living with us?

[Cheerush]

Bit of a long one – sorry. Just really need to get it out.

Me and DP have been together 6 years, living together for 4. Things have always been solid between us, he’s honestly lovely and we’ve been through a lot together. But I’m really struggling with his little brother staying with us and don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a total witch.

Backstory – DP and his brother (he’s 24 now) had a rough childhood. Their mum remarried when they were young and their stepdad was abusive – physical, emotional, the lot. DP left for uni at 18 and his brother was only 8 at the time, so he got away from it, but his brother had to live through years of it. Their mum basically ignored it and still acts like nothing ever happened. DP’s had therapy and is doing ok now, but his brother got diagnosed with BPD and it’s honestly been tough for him.

He moved in with us after getting discharged from a mental health unit a few months ago. Was meant to be temporary, just while he found his feet, but it’s been 3 months now and there’s no sign of him going anywhere.

He doesn’t work, sleeps most of the day, up all night gaming or pacing. He chain smokes out in the garden constantly – I’m talking every half hour like clockwork – and it’s driving me mad. The smell follows him back in. He doesn’t help much unless asked and while he’s not outright rude, he’s just a lot. Talks non-stop some days – trauma dumping, heavy convos, deep stuff out of nowhere – and then other times he’s just brooding and giving off serious bad vibes.

He’s also very clingy with DP. Like he needs his attention constantly, always wanting to talk to him or hang out or have “one-on-one time.” I barely get a look-in. We haven’t had proper alone time in weeks. Sex life’s basically gone. Even just sitting and watching telly together is rare now. Last night we went to the cinema just the two of us for the first time in ages, and when we got back his brother was in the kitchen crying because we didn’t invite him.

He makes little comments too – “must be nice being normal” or “you don’t know what it’s like to grow up in hell” – aimed at me. I know he’s struggling but it’s getting really hard not to take it personally. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own house.

I’ve tried saying little things to DP but he gets defensive. He feels guilty for leaving him when he went to uni and I get that, but now everything seems to revolve around his brother’s moods. I know he loves him and wants to help but I’m starting to feel like I’m invisible.

I hate how this makes me feel. I don’t want to be cruel and I know his brother’s been through hell. But I also don’t want to lose my relationship or lose myself either.

AIBU to want some space and boundaries? Or is this just what being a supportive partner looks like and I need to suck it up?

Do you have children OP?

Not being unreasonable.

The situation is also worrying. The discharge from the mental health unit - was there some kind of discharge plan? Is he on medication? His lifestyle is going to make his mental health condition worse.

If it were me, I’d introduce routines like a joint dinner time (as a start). That way you and your brother have airtime to input positive messages, or just talk about things that are interesting.

I couldn't stand this. Time to give him a deadline, yes it's awful what he's been through but he's an adult and not your responsibility. Who owns the house? Worst case scenario your partner moves out with him and you continue to be a couple who don't live together.

Your partner needs to talk to you without getting defensive
What does he think is a reasonable time period for his brother to stay
How does he think it's impacting your relationship and what does he think can be done to lessen the impact
Does he think it's helping his brother, to have no job, no structure, no friends and having a safety net to rely on so he doesn't have to get back to real life?
What steps can be taken to support his brother back to living a normal life again?

Also is he having any ongoing support, and what do those people think?

It's difficult as your partner probably feels a lot of responsibility towards him. And I imagine that telling someone with BPD that they have to move our, might feel like a rejection to them and set them spiralling. But he can't completely abandon your relationship / sex life / couple time with you indefinitely and expect the relationship with you to be unaffected

No I wouldn't tolerate that under any circumstances. Give him notice and help him find somewhere if possible.

I think there needs to be a conversation where you remind them both that this was meant to be temporary. Ask them what the plan is for him and make sure something is put into action. If needed, set a deadline.

It would be ultimatum time for me, I'm afraid. I couldn't live like that. I'd tell my partner he had a month to sort it out or I'd be gone.

It goes without saying that your partner shouldn't be guarantor on a rental, either.

I don't think you can give your partner an ultimatum because it won't work.
I think unfortunately it needs to be 'love him' 'love his brother'. However, you do need to talk to your partner about how it's making you feel. The smoking would be a deal breaker for me. Unfortunately, that would be my line in the sand. I wouldn't want the smoking in my garden or the house.
The bpd - you can't change. Is he going for ongoing councilling? Or was it a case of the crisis is over he can go home now.... if the latter then there needs to be a plan moving forward.
I feel for you.

Is he receiving any ongoing MH support? I don’t know what I would do. It sounds like your DH wouldn’t ask him to leave so you are a bit stuck.

You are not being unreasonable. Am sure your DP is really torn.
As younger brother was discharged from a MH unit - is he having any follow up? Does he have a social worker? If he was sectioned then he is eligible for aftercare which can include support to do activities etc out side home to reduce chances of re admission. (section 117 aftercare)
Maybe the starting point with DP is to raise whether his brother and you as a couple are receiving all the support that should be in place. Maybe you could ask what the timescale is for next steps for his brother - as it feels
like things are in limbo at the moment. You could ask what support you might be able to get yourself as you are finding it hard. Be honest - but don’t ask your DP to choose. It is reasonable to want to have a sense of what the plan is.
Good luck - this is really tough.

Does brother have a treatment plan and is he following it? Is he taking medication and going to his appointments?

Whose home?

Are you both working? Is the brother getting financial assistance?

You're going to have to have a serious talk with your partner about what the future looks like. This is having serious negative effects on your relationship and it sounds like you're not okay with this continuing.

He can ask his brother for space for you two and set boundaries but how likely is brother to comply?

It really looks like it's going to come down to either you or brother leave.

An ultimatum to get his brother into his own place is quite reasonable, though.

This situation is obviously not sustainable but if you do the pick me dance, will you win? You were told this was temporary, can you ask your dp when his brother is going? 3 months is plenty to have a 3rd wheel in the place (sorry, I know it sounds brutal, but this is a very poor situation for the OP. Her dp’s brother should not be her problem)

Ah this must be so hard OP - it reminds me of the Love Actually storyline with Laura Linney's character and her needy brother that keeps calling and ruining the relationship with the man she loves.

Lots of good advice on here for you but I agree that, like the Love Actually story, if you ask your DP to choose between you ("either he goes, or I do!!") he is likely to choose his brother - to his own detriment and at the cost of his own happiness with you. So approaching it in a "what's the plan for your brother to find his own happiness and future" is a better way to go, I think.

If there is no plan, or DP doesn't want to make a plan because he thinks that the situation is tenable long-term, then there is a different conversation to be had.

What a heartbreaking thread.
As much as you love your DP, his brother is going to be an issue. Even if he moves out, he will probably live in chaos and he even more demanding.
Your DP will probably never have a functioning relationship because of it - the effects of family trauma have caused such harm.
I have no answers, but personally you can’t go on like this.

Is he contributing to household bills/food or chores?
Three months is a long time for someone to be staying "temporarily " without a deadline in place, and the longer it goes on, the harder it's going to be for your DH to ask him to leave.
As far as DH's brother is concerned, he has no incentive to leave as, with you and DH, he has a warm safe and secure place to live, with meals cooked for him daily, his washing done and no bills to pay.
I feel for you OP.

Thanks all for the replies, really appreciate it – I was half expecting to be told I was heartless so it’s actually a relief to hear I’m not totally out of order here.

To answer a few questions – no, we don’t have children.

The house is rented and both our names are on the tenancy. DP works full time, mostly from home apart from one day in the office. I also work full time so I think part of what’s making this so hard is that I come home and feel like I can’t fully relax in my own space. There’s just no switch-off. Brother doesn’t really go out much unless it’s to the shops or out with DP. He’s not out socialising or anything like that – he keeps himself to himself a bit but it’s like a heavy presence, if that makes sense. Always there.

Re the discharge, there was a plan – he was meant to link up with community mental health team and he was put on medication (not sure what). I know DP went with him to one follow-up but I don’t think he’s sticking to anything properly now. He’s definitely not going to regular therapy or anything and I don’t know if he’s even taking his meds anymore. DP doesn’t like to push him on it because he doesn’t want to make things worse or trigger another crisis.

He had been living with his ex and her family before all this happened but ended things suddenly and moved back to his mum’s – from what DP said it wasn’t a great situation and that definitely played a part in the breakdown that led to him being sectioned. His mum isn’t an option long-term which is why he ended up with us, but it’s turning into a bit of a limbo and I don’t think he’s actively looking for alternatives.

Honestly I would move out and find your own space. You don't have to split up but your OH needs to sort out his life with his brother. It isn't your problem and you cannot shoulder the burden of it.

I’d tell partner I understand why you need to support your brother but he is making it difficult for me to live with him and it’s impacting my well-being. We should live apart until brother is able to live independently and then I’d start looking for alternative accommodation and get move to get taken off the lease.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

For the immediate, you need to put some conditions on him staying.

• no smoking anywhere near the house. If he wants to smoke he walks down the road to smoke then eats chewing gum after so he doesn't stink the house out.
• MH meetings - he needs to attend something at least twice a week. If he doesn't do this, then he can't stay as he is not making any effort to help himself.
• He needs to be out of bed by 9am, showered, and take himself for a walk every morning. Walking is really good for those with MH problems. There are actually lots of "Walk the mind" groups around.
• He cooks dinner once/twice a week (you buy the stuff)

Lots of people have traumatic childhoods but manage to sort themselves out. The first step is actually helping yourself. Routine and targets. You need something to look forward to and to learn to remove yourself from unhealthy situations.

What a cock

I'd say if he hasn't moved out by the time the tenancy comes up for renewal you won't be extending. However much you love your partner he's going to need to make a choice, you and his brother aren't compatible together. Don't have kids with him any time soon.

This situation sounds appalling and shows how bad care for people with MH issues is - it just gets dumped on the family and there is no help, advice or support. It's clear that the pair of you cannot cope.

This young man is entitled to proper after care, and I'm afraid your DP needs to be a proper advocate for his brother, and it can be a bit of a fight you have to be 'that' relative to get anything done, calm polite, but utterly relentless. If you do nothing, nothing will change,

He has to get the number of DBs support worker or social worker (I assume he has one). He needs to tell them what's going on and that he and his brother need their help now.

He needs to be in close touch with them to work together - and yes this can provoke a negative reaction from the person you are trying to help, but this is way better than the alternative.

It's hell, been there, but you cannot let things carry on, for all your sakes.

You need to tackle the issue head on and tell DP that you moved in to a place with him to live with him, not his brother.

Tell him that DB needs to be gone within a month or he can move out with his brother.