To be fed up with DP’s brother living with us?

[Cheerush]

Bit of a long one – sorry. Just really need to get it out.

Me and DP have been together 6 years, living together for 4. Things have always been solid between us, he’s honestly lovely and we’ve been through a lot together. But I’m really struggling with his little brother staying with us and don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a total witch.

Backstory – DP and his brother (he’s 24 now) had a rough childhood. Their mum remarried when they were young and their stepdad was abusive – physical, emotional, the lot. DP left for uni at 18 and his brother was only 8 at the time, so he got away from it, but his brother had to live through years of it. Their mum basically ignored it and still acts like nothing ever happened. DP’s had therapy and is doing ok now, but his brother got diagnosed with BPD and it’s honestly been tough for him.

He moved in with us after getting discharged from a mental health unit a few months ago. Was meant to be temporary, just while he found his feet, but it’s been 3 months now and there’s no sign of him going anywhere.

He doesn’t work, sleeps most of the day, up all night gaming or pacing. He chain smokes out in the garden constantly – I’m talking every half hour like clockwork – and it’s driving me mad. The smell follows him back in. He doesn’t help much unless asked and while he’s not outright rude, he’s just a lot. Talks non-stop some days – trauma dumping, heavy convos, deep stuff out of nowhere – and then other times he’s just brooding and giving off serious bad vibes.

He’s also very clingy with DP. Like he needs his attention constantly, always wanting to talk to him or hang out or have “one-on-one time.” I barely get a look-in. We haven’t had proper alone time in weeks. Sex life’s basically gone. Even just sitting and watching telly together is rare now. Last night we went to the cinema just the two of us for the first time in ages, and when we got back his brother was in the kitchen crying because we didn’t invite him.

He makes little comments too – “must be nice being normal” or “you don’t know what it’s like to grow up in hell” – aimed at me. I know he’s struggling but it’s getting really hard not to take it personally. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own house.

I’ve tried saying little things to DP but he gets defensive. He feels guilty for leaving him when he went to uni and I get that, but now everything seems to revolve around his brother’s moods. I know he loves him and wants to help but I’m starting to feel like I’m invisible.

I hate how this makes me feel. I don’t want to be cruel and I know his brother’s been through hell. But I also don’t want to lose my relationship or lose myself either.

AIBU to want some space and boundaries? Or is this just what being a supportive partner looks like and I need to suck it up?

This. And if your DP had to be sole carer, he may not be so keen on the situation

So he might not be taking meds and doesn’t go to therapy? At this point, your DP is an enabler.

I couldn’t live like this. It’s not a man you marry - one that wangs on about blood thicker than water when it’s ruining your life.

FWIW, if you do the ultimatum, be careful how you phrase it. “Pick one!” = resentment, but something more like “look, I love you but I and we can’t live like this. I/we deserve our own life. I’m not asking you to choose because I choose…me. I’m not doing this with you like this”

I’d pointedly watch “You, Me, and Dupree” tonight as a three, and have The Chat tomorrow!

Your DP get defensive because he feels guilty for leaving his DB but it wasn't his fault, your DP needs to understand if his family had behaved decently him going away wouldn't be an issue. The real problem for you is they said it would be temporary, for you that meant a couple of months, for your DP that meant as long as it takes, which could be years.
Poor MH or not it's not helping his DB to stay up all night and sleep all day, he needs to engage with the MH services and start to make a life for himself, that's something you and your DP should be encouraging.
The crying because you'd gone out without him is the most worrying thing for me Op, he can't see you as a couple, he begrudges you any of your DPs time and until that changes this is going to crash and burn your relationship with your DP

OP, take a tip from me and move out. I really can't see the situation changing any time soon. I've lived with someone with mental health issues for years (not dissimilar to the ones your describe) and it is utterly soul destroying. Your DP will always choose to support his brother if push really comes to shove. Eventually your relationship with your DP will break down in an unpleasant mess, you will leave in an emotionally damaged state - and get all the blame! Think very seriously about this. This isn't likely to be temporary and the brother is playing the situation for all it's worth, but your DP will never accept this.

Your DPs brother sounds like my neighbour. I find it difficult just living next door with chain smoking and that kind of guilt tripping and emotional distress. I couldn’t imagine living in a house with him.

This might sound quite nasty, but his brother isn’t your responsibility and he’s not your partners either. He doesn’t really sound well enough to be discharged to be honest and clearly needs a lot of extra support which you can’t and shouldn’t have to give.

I think you need to explain to your DP how this is impacting you. I’m sure he will say ‘he’s my brother’ and obviously feels guilty for leaving him to go to Uni but he needs to understand how this is impacting you.

Maybe your DP needs some therapy as well to help him let go of the guilt? You could even suggest joint sessions so you have a safe place to say your side with a mediator who can control the conversation so it doesn’t turn into an argument. It would give you some alone time with DP to talk properly as well, as I can’t imagine having these types of conversations with his brother hovering about is easy.

I couldn't live like this. I'd be saying that the brother needs to make plans to leave, or you will...

Therapy won’t work - DP is waaaay too in the thick of it at the moment. Couples therapy also a big no - not the OP’s cross to bear and it’ll just blur things. Down the line, DP should definitely go to therapy because whatever this is is SO much bigger than the brother at the OP’s house

I think this is really good advice. Could you suggest this to your DP? This is providing his brother with a purpose and helping him to back on the right track. Surely your DP would be open to doing this?

Can you move out and see how that goes? May make DP realise he needs to do something about his brother

YANBU. People with BPD can be so draining. I feel for them, I really do, so I hate to say it but they can inflict so much misery on the people around them. They can have such high expectations of people, it can be difficult to please them, they can flip from being happy to sad, calm to angry, best friend to enemy. Some will lie for what seems like no apparent reason, it is for them to have their needs met but that doesn't make it any easier for the person having to deal with it.
This is going to drag down you and your DP and potentially destroy your relationship if some firm boundaries aren't put in place ASAP. I would want him to have a firm timeline for moving out. The hospital should have arranged accommodation for him if he had no where to go at discharge. Maybe the MH team can help with accommodation now.

I'd move out

Your DP's lack of respect for you, his partner, is astounding

To answer a few questions – he does buy some of his own food and makes most of his meals, so he’s not expecting us to cook for him. He doesn’t contribute to bills or anything though, and doesn’t help out much around the house unless asked directly. There’s no real structure or expectation around it, which I think is part of the issue.

We did talk about the smoking a few weeks ago because it was getting ridiculous – constantly out in the garden chain-smoking, and the smell was clinging to everything near the back of the house. DP agreed with me but then basically said we can’t stop him. Brother says it helps him stay calm and “regulate,” so now it’s like we just tiptoe around it. I hate it but I also don’t want to be the one to “take away” one of the only things he says helps.

The thing with him crying after we went to the cinema… it honestly floored me. He was genuinely upset, not guilting or trying to be manipulative – he kept saying we’d abandoned him and that he felt completely alone. I don’t think he was putting it on, I think he really felt that way. It was awful. I felt terrible but also like – what are we meant to do? Never go out just us again?

I think the comment above about the word “temporary” meaning two very different things to me and DP is really bang on. I thought it meant a few weeks, couple of months tops – DP I think sees it as “however long he needs,” which at this rate could be years.

BIL sounds manipulative, he will never realise on his own he needs to leave.

You need to find your anger and assertiveness and set a deadline, OP. A month would be max for me.

I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate this. I would move out.

He can live with his brother and they can go halves on all the expenses - him living there whilst you financially pay for his bills/rent is ridiculous - occasionally paying for food is not enough.

Even if he paid a full 1/3 of expenses I wouldn't do this. In fact it might make it worse because he'd have even higher expectations of what he can do.

This is crap for you but anything you say makes you the bad guy.

I think move out, see if you can and want to carry on the relationship whilst in your own space.

It's interesting you say he felt genuinely alone and abandoned when you and your DP went out without him, that's very childish and I don't mean that unkindly, I mean an adult might feel bored or lonely but they wouldn't use the word abandoned. The DB absolutely needs therapy Op, he's stuck emotionally at the child stage and he's not going to become capable of living alone until he gets past that.

I would move out, find my own space, and leave your partner to deal with it. This is no way for you to live. Have your name taken off the tenancy if you can.

Honestly I think you need to tell him that if BIL is staying indefinitely then you are going. I'm not the biggest lover of ultimatums but you've essentially been bullied and bit by bit they're taking away more of your rights to comfort in your own home. You're miserable and you're paying for the privilege.

It's not going to be helping his brother either if everyone is tiptoeing around him so much that you're not communicating anything to him. I think you need to be able to have a clear conversation with the brother that there is a time limit on his stay and that you two need to be able to have time together as a couple without being made to feel guilty about it, but that you're happy to socialise and do xyz things with him.

You sound lovely OP - empathetic and generous. But the situation you're in would be a dealbreaker for me. It's very hard to share your home and partner with another mentally ill adult, even when that person is your own child. It changes the quality of your relationship and your life, and I couldn't live with the ongoing intrusion you describe. It's a very, very big ask from your DH. It would be too big for me.

Best of luck with this - you're in a tough position. I hope it works out for you all.