School run – what's fair?

[ScoolRunnings]

My son (6) has been accepted at a selective school about 5 miles from where we live, as have 2 of his classmates. 1 classmate has a younger sibling who will still be attending our local school, same as us. The other classmate has an older sibling who already goes to the school which is further away.

I was discussing with my partner about sharing school runs with the 2 other families, and said that the parents with 2 children at the school should maybe take on more school runs as we only have 1 child at the school, and another who needs to be dropped off at the same time at another school, as does the other family (single mum). He thinks that the fact that we have another child isn't really their problem, and that the school runs should be divided equally. What does the internet think? I don't mind being told I'm unreasonable and would rather know now!

I would go into any arrangement with a very open view that it's a great idea but let's see how things go once the DC all start in September. You may all want to take your own children to start with. You don't know yet how things will go with sports fixtures, clubs, appointments, sickness, times when one of the DC goes on to swimming lessons straight from school...

Possibly suggest to the other parents that for the first term you keep it fairly flexible and then see how it's all working for everyone. No reason why, to start with, you can't have an arrangement via a What's App group when you can message to say 'I'll be taking Wayne to and from school on Monday and Tuesday next week - if you want me to take Wendy, Woody and Will just let me know and they can come with us'. Hopefully someone else will then volunteer for other days so you all get a break.

Reassuring to know that you have some contingency/back up - worth keeping a good relationship with other parents for.

Never mind doing more runs than you, I wouldn’t get involved at all if I was the one with 2 children at the same school. They’re currently doing the school run everyday already, so nothing really to gain from getting involved apart from saving one or two drives a week?

Being approached with a CF suggestion like yours would ensure I didn’t touch the situation with a barge pole

Ever heard of using legs to get to a bus stop?

divided equally because you have one kid, who will get sick and you will skip school run on days he won’t go, whereas those who have two kids are double likely to do school run when one of their kids if off.

Your child is your child so you take them to school.

I can't imagine ever asking or allowing anyone else to take my children to school. My husband and I have always worked our work hours out so one of us always dropped off and picked up. It's a special part of the day and a massive part of being a parent.

You having a child else where isn't her problem, surely you thought through how you would get your children to school when you applied?

I’d agree with husband… family with two children at further away school don’t actually need to do the shared school runs as they don’t have the issue of being in two places at once.

Will you and single mum take the younger ones to local school while the other does the drive?

We have done several shared school runs and a few things are needed to make it work.

• a similar approach to time keeping and arrival time
• excellent communication between the parents
• a generosity of spirit on picking up slack when others can’t. This buys flexibility and understanding both ways and makes everyone’s life so much easier. And generous extra lifts must always be repaid with an extra lift in return when needed
• a totally fair split

A similar taste in car music helps but isn’t essential

We have a successful car share arrangement.

Any out of school club days we pick up our own child (unless both are doing a club).

Then we do 3 runs each (so in effect 6 of the 10 journeys) but that’s because my child does a lot of clubs and theirs doesn’t. We choose the same days each week and have a group chat. If someone is sick you pick up / drop your own. If a club is cancelled one will offer and it’s equal.

With three families and 10 runs - I’d suggest a Permanent 3 runs each family and alternate Friday afternoon pick up. And for primary I’d suggest 5 each.

3 way car-shares are a nightmare, and once your younger children start there will be 6 kids needing transport so won't fit in a standard car. I would try to set up a simple arrangement with one other family.

However, either way the arrangement should be per family not per child. The point of liftsharing is to save on a car journey. The two-child family isn't saving any more than a one-child family, it's not like they'd otherwise be doing two separate round-trips to take each child separately, so they shouldn't contribute any extra to the arrangement.

I did a 3 way car share for work once and it was very important to all of us for it to be fair as we were all on limited income and the route involved an expensive toll. It gets complicated because it's not as simple as everyone taking turns in strict order. Sometimes people are off sick or doing something different (hockey practice?) that means they go separately, and then the share is only between 2 not 3. It will be even more complicated for you as you will need to track mornings and afternoons separately. You will need a spreadsheet thar records every day for each journey who drove and who was in the car to keep track, or after 2 terms there will be one person whose contributions are out of proportion to how much they have benefitted. It's so much easier with 2 - you simply take turns, and don't need to keep track of the days when you go separately.

I have just finished a liftshare arrangement with another family for a secondary school 7 miles away (we had been sharing since Y7 and they have just finished Y13)

We never based it on number of children (I eventually had 3 to their 1) just shared the journey as equally as possible, I still have a child there and am really going to miss them.

Things to think about

What happens if it is your turn and either you or your child is sick, or has an appointment? Can you phone on the day and another parent can do it?

What happens for long term sick?

What happens if the have slightly different schedules ie school trips, sports events or after school clubs, how much flexibility will you have.

All being said it has made my life a lot easier for the last 7 years as the people we shared with were as willing to be flexible as we were.

This!

There’s arguments to split lifts in many ways.
who has the trickiest/youngest children?
Who starts work soonest after drop off?
Who has the most reliable car?

The only fair way is split by family.

every parent should do an equal share but I can tell you, this will be a recipe for disaster. Sort out your own school run and make sure you don't rely on others.

I think it's petty and unhelpful to suggest they take more journeys if the have more children tbh.

What happens if the designated driver's child is sick? I take my son's friend every day but he gets the bus as a back up plan if my son has been unwell. Occasionally I've taken just his friend if he has forgotten his bus pass.

Offer to split equally, if they then respond that they are willing to do more as they have more children then bite their hand off.

But it’s unlikely as the correct thing is to split equally. In the absence of sharing you’d each have to make one trip, they wouldn’t drop one off then turn round and do another trip to pick the other one up and drop them off. On any given day, one of you will save one trip.

In short: your husband is 100% correct.

Agree with yr DH

If these are friends I’d go with what makes sense for people - the days that make sense or the journeys. I’d be pretty worried about getting this group of children on and off various transport options though. And confused about the other children fitting into this. I wouldn’t expect number of children to play a part really.

agree with many that this might get really complicated quickly so hope you are prepared to do this on your own every day at some point.

I would see how it all pans out at the start of term re-evaluate at half term.

could get complicated one dc has football practice on a Monday another has orchestra on a Tuesday and another has rugby on a Wednesday . Include matches, parents evenings and other appointments

Agree with others that committing to these things can be absolutely fraught with problems.

If you do need to do it, I’d do one run each for three days and then each get your own children to school for the other two. This will be less likely to cause resentment/allow some space if there are issues between the kids and give you an easier way of getting out if you need to.

I mean are you all able to fit all kids in each of your cars? 4 kids in car seats.
at 6, the likelihood of any of them still be able to rearface is lower. And will need high back boosters at least so none of them should be using the front seat. If the younger one can still rearface and airbags can be turned off in all cars, great but can all cars fit 3 car seats in the back?
a car pool can seem like a great idea but you’ve got think of safety too. If it can’t be done safely then you’ll all need to drive your own kids

I agree with husband. The journeys should be split equally although a 3 way car share could be quite tricky and you will definitely need to put in place a plan for if a child is sick or not going in otherwise it just gets messy and resentment may build up if one parent bails out more often than others. Personally I would still commit to doing the school run even if my child wasn't going in. I shared a school run with one other parent for a year and it ran like clockwork as we still did the run if our own child was staying home and on the rare occasion that one of us couldnt do it, that one would pay for an uber To take both kids.

Your children are your responsibility. You can’t dictate what other parents do! 😂

I don't think anyone is dictating??

OP says the other parent should do more as they have 2 kids there. They cannot dictate that. There ya go.