To not want to gibe up my new found freedom to look after my bitter dad?

[IPreferShoesToIssues]

Apologies if any of this sounds familiar, but I am at the end of my tether with my dad.

Backstory: My mum died when I was a teen. He started going out with someone else within a week, and they stayed together for 35 years. During this time, whilst I stayed in contact with my dad, and we had a relationship, he spent all his time with her and her family. I spent 1 Christmas with my dad in 35 years, and he went on holiday with her and her family all the time.

In the early years I went to Uni, and I never went back. I met my DH and travelled the world together, even living in Australia for a big chunk. He didn't care, in fact I got the impression it took the pressure off him, he seemed relieved. I once was at his house when his partners DGC where there and they asked who I and my DC where and then preceded to get cross when they realised my DC where his DGC. I have lots of stories like this.

Anyway, I just got on with my own life which sometimes has been a struggle with no mum and dad to support me. I have a lovely life with DH and DC.

We moved back to the UK and I hadn't even unpacked when my dads partner (I'll call her Step Mum SM) was on the phone to me telling me it was my responsibility to come look after my dad as he had the flu. I live 250 miles away,

Anyway to the issue. He is now on his own as she has passed away. He is an absolute nightmare. He is telling anyone who will listen that he is on his own, no one comes to see him, he doesn't speak to anyone for days and days. This is not true as he has 3 DSC running round after him, a load of friends and my other siblings and their adult families helping him out. I just had an argument with him as he slagged off my brother saying he didn't do anything for him, despite my DB being there 3 times last week. He has already been through a couple of girlfriends since his partner died and is on a downer as the latest ones are "grey and don't look young and have wrinkles". He's late 80's FFS.

Even though I live a fair crack away, I invite him here all the time, as does one of my other siblings. He told everyone he was going to be alone at Christmas and as a result he got 2 calls on Christmas morning from neighbours inviting him over as they couldn't bare him being alone. He had 3 offers, including mine and my local sibling, but he chose to go to his step kids.

Finally, he saves his anger, bitterness, sadness and "my life isn't worth living" for me and 1 of my siblings. The other is not interested. My sibling gets it the most. It is like they are a punch bag.

I just said to my DH that in the last 3 months I feel like I have got my life back as my DC are older and don't need me as much. I am working more, I am getting fit and healthy and I just feel like I am going to have to give up my job to go sort him out 250 miles away. He refuses to move, or get help and instead just wants to be bitter and reserve that for his blood family only whilst his DSC only get the generous Disney Step Dad. They all think he's great. Our spouses, so not related to my dad, say his behaviour is ridiculous and he is a big baby and that we should have dealt with him years ago, but how? We do not know how to handle him.

AIBU to be really upset with his behaviour but not want to give up my own life to look after him? As a result of his continuing behaviour I am a nervous wreck and I feel like I am going to have a mental meltdown. My family are upset and say my stress is affecting everyone. I and my sibling just feel we are stuck in a non win situation, between a rock and a hard place, and it is only going to get worse as he gets older.

Why are you posting this? You obviously aren’t going to give up your life to look after him, unless you’re an absolute pushover. You don’t need mumsnets permission

You owe him nothing

So many of my friends have real problems with their parents such as dementia or cancer. My Dad has no ailments and has never been ill a day in his life apart from a bad cold, yet he has us all stressing out over him because of his behaviour.

It's all about not having a good looking woman on his arm. If he did, I wouldn't hear from him. He is actually really busy, and has a really good social life. In fact he often blows us off as he doesn't want to not go to his bowls/ club social/ night out. But then he'll tell everyone he sees no one. What he actually wants is for us to go over 12-2 when he is in-between social events. He is fine every day of the week except Sunday when he is in tears, and depressed because he is home alone and everyone else is with their families. He does get invited to BBQ's or for Sunday lunch at one of our lots but most of the time says no. I'll call him on a Sunday and he'll basically be on a massive sad or bitter rant and my whole day will be ruined.

Don't call him on a Sunday or at all. Put his number on silent or even give him a different number. Just ignore him. He doesnt need you running around after him and all you're doing is making your own life and family miserable. The sibling he is using as a punch bag has the choir to ignore him.
I'm one of 6 siblings. In the past 2 years my mum has developed advanced dementia. She was always foul to 2 of my siblings so they have nothing to do with her. Oldest sibling has made the choice to visit her weekly, he doesn't get to decide how I feel or what I want to do
One thing that helped us was a 'group chat' so that when she developed a habit of trying to play us off one against the other we were on it before she even knew we were. It lessened the issues.
Leave him be and get on with enjoying your life

Well said!

He is who he is. Don't let him bring you down. Friend puts her mum on soeaker phone on a sunday and carries on with her cleaning etc while her bitter mum eaves on. Friend make hmmm noises. Call done. Friend get on with her day. She just shrugs and says thats her bit done and if she wants to be all bitter and twisty thats her problem

You do not owe him anything.

I’d ring a therapist, not your dad.

For about the last 11 years of my dad’s life my contact with him was heavily reduced. He didn’t deserve that - I don’t think anyone gets what they ‘deserve’ - but I did what I felt able to do after decades of a really draining and complex relationship. I’m afraid I was relieved when he died.

You are his daughter, not a substitute girlfriend. I know too many of these elderly chaps who go through an endless stream of women they appear to regard as interchangeable. You know if he meets another one he will drop you again like a hot potato.

I would simply tell him next time he moans that he reaps what he sows. He has not bothered with you for 35 years so why should you bother with him now. I would tell him you are happy to contact adult care at his local council and ask them to do an assessment and see what support can be offered, but it won’t be from you

Stop worrying and stressing about him, he is not a nice person was not interested in you or your family, you don’t need to worry about him. His step children can sort him out

WHY do you feel you have to give up your job and go 250 miles to sort him out? There’s no rhyme or reason to it. He’s done nothing for you. He never considers you. Your immediate family would hate it if you gave up any of your life to him. You would hate it. If you feel you do need to speak to him, change the subject or say you’ve got to go when he starts whining. Tell him you’ve gone back to Australia and stop giving him invitations to turn down. I’m sorry he’s never been a good father to you. But he never will be.

There is no way you should look after this toxic old man. He is your father in name only. You lost your mum as a teen and he just found someone else and pretty much abandoned you to your own devices. You owe him absolutely nothing. Block your dad and anyone else who is trying to guilt trip you into caring for him. How dare he expect you to provide care for him when he didn't even fulfil his legal responsibilities towards you by caring for you after your mum died.

You owe him nothing - you are much kinder than me. I would of told him a lot of home truths and to get on with having his step children look after the miserable cf.

If you are looking for permission to get on with your life and leave him to his dsc, I as a complete stranger give it! He is with his chosen family, and is only now in his late 80's looking to his biological children. Literally too little, to late.

What comes around goes around. You have your own life. Leave him to his!

Fuck him OP, he sounds like a selfish d**knead, don't like him mess with your mind. You don't owe him anything, and it's clear you don't want to help him (I would feel exactly the same), but that you feel like you have to help him. Go with your gut! Bin him off, block his calls, and get on with enjoying your own life (I understand that this might be easier said than done).

I don't understand why you and your other sibling are continuing to engage with him. You need to stop!

So dont call him in a Sunday? There is a totally easy answer to this which you could see if you weren't being a martyr. Why are you allowing someone who DOES NOT care about you upset you to the extent it's impacting your family?? Give your self some grace and permission to leave him to it.

My father was like this.

The siblings had a chat asking what we were prepared to do in terms of contact and care.

The answer was universally 'nothing' for care and minimal for contact.

I was the nominated spokesperson who had to make it clear that any care he needed was to be bought with his own money (of which he had plenty).

He was very taken a back and found it hard to understand why we had made this decision and was also irritated that threatening to disown us had no power - we frankly did not care about his money, other than that he use it for his own care.

He died during covid, alone. His rented home was a dump because he had refused to pay for the care he needed.

Yes, I feel guilty sometimes but he was a very selfish man whose expectations of others was to serve him.

You sound to have had a similar experience of disaster parents who despite their failings have ended up as a functional happy adult. My upbringing was similar!
You aren't obligated to do anything for this person. Refer him to his local social services department as a vulnerable person and they will do an assessment of his needs. If he needs support, they'll put it in place. He may need to pay for it or use his pension to do so.

Why do this to yourself then? Just leave the old twat to it

Darling woman, you cannot change another person. You are not responsible for your father's feelings in any way. Save yourself! Do NOT set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

He chose the family he wanted. Let them deal with him.

Don’t give up anything in your life for the man who abandoned his own child following her mother’s death.

You don’t owe him a thing. If you can’t see that yet then see a therapist, you owe it to yourself. I’ve had a similar experience and a therapist helped me enormously.

This is what happens to selfish entitled arseholes in old age. Nobody wants to be around them because they tend to be worse than ever. Tell him to get a carer.

Agreeing with what others have said, especially this… Tell him to sort his own shit out just like he left you to do as a child and an adult until you were useful.

To coin a popular phrase here, it sounds like time to drop the rope.