To treat younger sibling differently to older sibling was at same age?

[Bringinguptherear]

I have two DS three years apart (8 and 11)

For ease and harmony I generally treat them both pretty similarly so the younger sibling gets rolled up into activities, responsibilities and freedoms I wouldn’t have given the older one at the same age.

Talking to a mum of a friend of DS8 who is their eldest, I fear she was quietly appalled at some of my parenting. For example leaving DS8 in the house alone while I go to the shop for 5-10mins (he likes it and is sensible) - would never have left my eldest at that age but DS8 has got used to being left for short periods with his older brother so it didn’t feel like a big step.

Is it just natural that a 8yo who is the youngest in the household will get dragged up a bit faster than one who is the eldest? Or should I be doing more to lay different ground rules for my DC?

Children are different and you can treat them equally without treating them the same but not sure I'd be leaving an 8 year old in the house alone

You need to treat them as individuals really. Letting your 8yo do everything your 11yo does, even if he's not developmentally ready, or stopping your 11yo do things as your younger child can't is not fair on either of them.

As the eldest child I remember fuming about this sort of thing haha. “Why does she get to do that now when I wasn’t allowed until I was 13!!!!”

I do think younger children often get allowed more freedoms earlier yes

Occasionally it works the other way and parents are stricter about some things with younger kids having got it wrong with the older one!

I would not be leaving a child alone at 8 though

I do think you've got to make it a bit fairer, I'm constantly saying to my younger two kids that their elder sisters didn't get to do X at their age so neither do they.

i’ve not had this (yet!) - they’re very close and generally like to do the same things together.

I think this is very natural, and children are so different from one another, so are ready for different things at different ages. I certainly left 2 of our kids alone for short periods at young ages, also let one of them out on his own much younger than the others- he was just much more savvy.

There are definitely things that one gets to do that the other doesn’t, based on their ages. But there is a lot that the 8yo gets to do that the other wouldn’t when they were 8.

I dont push the 8yo into stuff he doesn’t feel ready for - I don’t whether it’s their character or that 8yo is more mature by exposure to living with a older sibling (or a bit of both), but he can take in his stride stuff that older DS wouldn’t have done at the same age. So I don’t want to hold him back simply “because you are 8 and he is 11” if there’s no obvious justification for that in terms of their character and behaviour.

Many parents want to believe this. How can you distinguish it from children just accepting that things are like that "for ease and harmony" and don't feel able to complain.

In some sense it it natural, because it is you who is learning, learning how to give independence, and you are using your skill on the younger one.

So yes, don't make them into twins. Try to find at least some activities when they will get the opposite experience (the older one being the youngest somewhere and the younger one being the oldest somewhere), it will help them long term.

Regarding leaving them in the house alone this is to go to a shop literally across the road .We have Alexa devices that are set up to call my phone if they say “Alexa call mummy” (similarly they can call their dad, neighbours etc). So I can be in contact instantly and back at my front door within a minute. I only consider leaving either of them if engrossed in a calm activity and if they prefer to stay rather than come with me.

I’ve only.just started leaving the 8yo after I’ve been leaving them together the same reason for the last 6 months or so.

I wouldn’t have left my 11yo alone aged 8 but then he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to build up to it via staying at home with an older sibling.

I made sure my elder one never had to be responsible for her younger sister... we didn't leave them together until DD2 had been left alone first.

However... just across the road is very different. I've been further to put the bins out!

Things like if I arrange something for the older one he will want the younger one to come too.

They do some activities separately that are naturally age segregated (like cubs / scouts ) and have independent friendship groups but genuinely they will gravitate towards doing things together when they can.

It's pretty much impossible to be completely fair and not sensible to treat them exactly the same!

When my eldest was 11, my youngest was 6. When the youngest was 11, the eldest was 16. The youngest had lots of access to tech at a much younger age.

Your logic is flawed. There are a number of things that you can’t do because of an arbitrary age.
That 3 year gap is huge if you think of things like sex, vaping, smoking, drugs - and yes - being left home alone.
Age is important in many ways and if you bring them up to not understand that actually sometimes you can’t do X purely because you are not old enough, youngest will really struggle when oldest reaches the age to be experimenting with all/some of the above (and they will, no matter what you try to tell yourself).
When siblings are raised closely and are reasonably close in age, you tend to find the oldest ‘acts down’ a little and the youngest ‘acts up’ a little, and they meet each other in the middle. A child with an older sibling usually will appear more mature/older because of this. However, it’s important to remember they are actually not the same age, and not treat them as such.

And also, 8 is far too young to be left alone.

OP I agree with you completely. Leaving a sensible 8 year old in house for 5 minutes sounds completely fine to me.
Our local library has a sign up saying "Please don't leave children here unaccompanied who are younger than 8." So my 8 year old was allowed to walk there and back (very safe route) - this was only 10 years ago.

Is your elder child starting Secondary this year? They may naturally start separating more after that.

Kids grown up at different rates and I think younger ones do tend to grow up faster, as they will be trying to keep up with their older siblings to some degree.

And leaving a sensible 8 year old in the house for 5 minutes is absolutely fine.

Yes - it’s going to be interesting to see if there starts a being more of a switch in attitude from the eldest to wanting be treated more maturely. If not that, then puberty will probably do it.

Well yes there are legal limits but within that there’s a range of when young people start showing an interest or getting exposure to these things. I’m not expecting thry are both going to start drinking at the same time for instance but in terms of their ages it wouldn’t surprise me if my eldest is on the later side of average and the younger one on the earlier side.

Personally I never touched alcohol or had a boyfriend until I was 17/18 - plenty of kids have done both at 14!

Funnily enough I’ve never really thought about as the eldest being responsible for the youngest, more that there’s been things I feel comfortable with them doing together vs alone.

Like I started leaving them in the house together because the eldest felt more comfortable having company before he felt ready to be completely on his own (not that I thought there was any significant risk involved either way, it just feels a bit scary being alone in the house).

There's a 10 year age gap between our 2 so we don't treat them similarly at all and neither of them object to that.

I think you have to parent each child for who they are and not get bogged down in "fairness". If DS is safe to be left alone at 8 then that's fine. If one needs more sleep than another then that one needs an earlier bedtime, regardless of their age.

Based on what you've said, you've never felt the need to bring 11yo down to 8yo level, and 8yo has been fine at being brought up to 11yo level, so maybe your expectations of your first born were/are too low.

You should try not to, but it's inevitable.

The oldest one is always a bit useless/slow to get going. Younger ones are always a bit more on the ball.

I don't think I've ever met a child who didn't feel able to complain!

Ime children are extraordinary good at pointing out when something isn't fair.

Oh, totally. I have a four-year gap. The younger ones play much more independently in the local park, go to school discos and fairs (often found under a table with a candy floss etc - eldest would've been at home with half a peeled apple after a long nap), watching Disney films or random cartoons, wandering around in a tutu and wellies because I am past making a thing of who is wearing what day to day.

It's quite universal that parents are anxious with their first child and then relax and are more lenient with the youngest.