To treat younger sibling differently to older sibling was at same age?

[Bringinguptherear]

I have two DS three years apart (8 and 11)

For ease and harmony I generally treat them both pretty similarly so the younger sibling gets rolled up into activities, responsibilities and freedoms I wouldn’t have given the older one at the same age.

Talking to a mum of a friend of DS8 who is their eldest, I fear she was quietly appalled at some of my parenting. For example leaving DS8 in the house alone while I go to the shop for 5-10mins (he likes it and is sensible) - would never have left my eldest at that age but DS8 has got used to being left for short periods with his older brother so it didn’t feel like a big step.

Is it just natural that a 8yo who is the youngest in the household will get dragged up a bit faster than one who is the eldest? Or should I be doing more to lay different ground rules for my DC?

I definitely may have had lower expectations of the older one probably because certain things feel like a big step as a parent as much as they are for the child (like leaving them alone in the house for the first time) and once you’ve done it once it less of a big step the second time.

Maybe there’s also a path of least resistance as well - like it is easier to make them both have equal share of responsibility for tidying their room rather than give the older one more responsible chores.

They are just different kids though - younger one can (even ignoring age gap) do some things more easily than the older one. Younger one can be given a set of instructions and follow them. Older one will usually do the first instruction then get waylaid. So it’s being ability appropriate not just age appropriate.

Well it makes absolute sense that if DS2 is at the same maturity level as DS1 you would give them similar responsibilities. Both of mine seem to delight in being as irresponsible and uncooperative as possible 80% of the time, particularly when they know we're in a rush, so I think you should class it as a win.

I was raised with my sister despite a 2 year gap. If anything i was the more precocious, I would talk for her sometimes. When we got to teens we really became aware of the gap. My parents enforced stricter rules about going to discos etc. Just because you treat them the same now doesn't mean you need to continue to adulthood. They will become acutely aware of the gap especially in secondary school. I think what you are doing is fine. I do however think one to one time is vital, regardless of age. I have twins and organise separate outings all the time, even just going to a cafe

Yes I am sure that the gap between 8 and 11 is going to feel a bit different to the gap between, say, 12 and 15.

I'm the opposite, my youngest dc is 11, he's not doing things his older brother (now 13) was going at 11. I think it depends on the child. My 11 year old isn't as mature as my 13 year old was at the age. He's not immature as such, he just doesn't seem that he wants to grow up. For example, all the other year 6s walk home, or to the car, my son still wants me to meet him at the school door. I do it because in September he has no choice but to go on the school bus to secondary school, so I'll make the most of it whilst I can and if it makes him happy then that's fine. Myself do, and my older son went for a walk around the village, ds 11 didn't want to come. We were gone an hour and he rang 6 times to see how long we'd be.

Yes me too - and I still think it’s very unfair now!

I treat my two (there’s a five year gaps would be difficult to do otherwise) as individuals. Happy to explain to youngest “you’ll get this freedom when you’re older/ ready for it”, and to the eldest “he’s youngest than you, not yet ready for this responsibility you didn’t have at his age”.

Also factor in very different personalities etc where needed and appropriate.

I’m the eldest of three, and my youngest brother is four years younger, so actually a very similar gap to my two, but treated all exactly the same once past babyhood. For example “oh I’ll just cook this simpler dish for ‘the children’ whilst we have adult food” - I didn’t want a children’s option but I was thought of as the difficult one for wanting the what was really the default food because brothers were fussy.

We were all put to bed at the same time throughout childhood which meant I lay in bed for hours awake - and I have difficulty with sleep now as I have a dread of not being properly tired when I lie down. I’m also naturally a night owl.

We were allowed to have girl/ boyfriends to sleep over all when the middle brother started to want it (we were also over 18 by this time but I went to a Uni with super long holidays so inevitably wanted boyfriend to stay).

YANBU. I have definitely been more relaxed with our youngest, and she’s done things earlier than our eldest. I see this as a positive. I think it’s impossible to parent subsequent children exactly as we did as first time Mums when everything felt brand new and anxiety inducing. Don’t beat yourself up over it 😊