Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not eat food I don't enjoy?

54 replies

Frequency · 27/06/2025 07:59

I genuinely do not know if AIBU. I accept that I am being ridiculous. I also understand that my attitude towards food is probably not healthy.

My mother has taken it upon herself to start buying me groceries. I don't ask for it and I don't know why she is doing it. She says it is to help me because I am busy and stressed with my new (I am busy I am not stressed, I am enjoying my new role)

The problem is she is buying food I don't especially like or enjoy, and then she gets upset when I don't eat it.

I have tried telling her I don't like the food she is buying. She got annoyed that she was wasting money. I have tried thanking her and pretending I like the food she buys, but then she will root through the freezer and find it uneaten, or she will see the kids eating it and get upset.

I have tried saying yes when she asks me what I want and being very specific and explaining that whilst other things are very similar I do not like the similar things I only like the ones I ask for (think frozen ready meals vs fresh ready meals or porridge you cook in a pan vs those instant pots) She will find something else on offer and get that instead. I have tried offering her money for the food so she can buy what I actually like without feeling like she has to find things on offers, but she refuses to accept it.

She is now not speaking to me after offering to call into a shop she was passing that she knows sells protein bars I like. I insisted on giving her the money for them because, as far as chocolate goes, these are expensive.

When she dropped them off, I thanked her and said I didn't have any left because DD had melted my last one by accident after putting a hot kettle right next to the box I usually keep them in, and I don't like them after they have melted and reset because the texture changes. She then told me she had carried them on top of hot pizza Hmm
I didn't get annoyed (or I didn't show I was annoyed), I laughed and told her it was fine. DD likes them when they are melted; she will eat them. She left without speaking to me, and then I was inundated with text messages about how I don't appreciate her and she is only trying to help, and why am I making it so difficult for her?

Bear in mind, I am not asking for any of this food. I keep telling her to stop buying me food because of how fussy I am. I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do. How do I get her to stop?

OP posts:
Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 07:59

This is very very very odd

Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:02

Do have a history of eating disorders and your mother is concerned?

Original poster
Frequency · 27/06/2025 08:03

Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 07:59

This is very very very odd

I know it is. I don't understand why she is so fixated on bringing me groceries. I am perfectly capable of doing my own grocery shopping.

OP posts:
Bjorkdidit · 27/06/2025 08:03

I agree it's odd. If you can't have an honest conversation with your own DM and she can't actually listen to you and take on board your very reasonable requests then I don't know what the answer is.

She says she wants to help you but it's not helpful to buy things you don't want and ignoring you when you say to either not buy it or buy things you do want instead.

Does this seem typical of her, or 'off' in some way?

Original poster
Frequency · 27/06/2025 08:09

This is very typical of her. She can be overbearing sometimes. She means well, her "help" comes from a place of genuine love, but she can go too far and then get upset when her efforts are unappreciated.

OP posts:
Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:09

You have a history of disordered eating? Anorexia?

GluttonousHag · 27/06/2025 08:12

You don’t explain the statement in your OP that you know your ‘attitude towards food is probably not healthy’ — why not? I’m assuming this isn’t because you don’t like the texture of melted protein bars.

Original poster
Frequency · 27/06/2025 08:12

Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:09

You have a history of disordered eating? Anorexia?

I do, yes, but my weight has been stable for a while and at the higher end of the BMI scale.

I do accept that some of my food choices are influenced by my past illness, and that would be worrying for people, but I don't understand how buying me food I neither like nor ask for will help?

OP posts:
Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:14

Frequency · 27/06/2025 08:12

I do, yes, but my weight has been stable for a while and at the higher end of the BMI scale.

I do accept that some of my food choices are influenced by my past illness, and that would be worrying for people, but I don't understand how buying me food I neither like nor ask for will help?

Show quote history

Well there we have it

She’s your mother and she’s worried maybe because she sees you spiralling again

it is odd? Yes, very very much so. But now we know you have had serious eating disorders and continue to suffer (?), it seems a little less odd

latetothefisting · 27/06/2025 08:14

It is incredibly weird, even more so the fact that she isn't even happy if the kids eat it! You'd think that if she was tryingnto make things easier for you that would still be a big help.

As youve acknowldged yourself, I must say that it did jump out that you seem to have some issues around food but, tbh, if she's been like this throughout your life (ignoring your preferences, imposing her views on you, sulking and crying when you try and stand up for yourself) then I wouldn't be surprised if the reason they started in the first place was influenced by her - lots of eating disorders come from wanting control rather than weight etc.

Have you tried buying her a random load of food you know she won't like and dropping it off?
Say "felt guilty about all the stuff you've been buying for me so thought I'd return the favour!"
If she says "but I don't eat x y z" go back at her with the "You're so ungrateful i spent my time and money getting this for you!"
Sometimes when people are this oblivious and unempathetic they need to literally experience the other POV in order to understand it.

Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:16

You posted I have no clue how much it costs to feed a family of four these days. I only eat frozen chicken and veg and the teenagers make/buy themselves

if this is true, which I presume it is…. Your mother is bloody worried

nutbrownhare15 · 27/06/2025 08:16

It sounds like if you tell her to stop she ignores you and if you are firm with it she won't speak to you. So the issue is she makes it difficult for you to hold boundaries. Are you prepared to firmly but kindly say thanks for trying to help mum but no more food as it means you are going to get upset with me over it and I won't be accepting any more and stick to it as in don't accept any more food. And every time she tries to break the boundary send her your original message. But I suspect she does this over other stuff too? Might be worth looking up FOG for the children of difficult parents

AlwaysBeingMe · 27/06/2025 08:18

I would arrange the right time right place for an honest conversation

AprilShowers25 · 27/06/2025 08:18

It sounds like your mum has some disordered thinking around food as well, in that she is trying to ‘feed’ you. I do think your mum is in the wrong with her behaviour but I think I would tell her again nicely that you really appreciate her buying you things but you are ‘too fussy’ and it’s going to waste. If she still keeps on you will have to be more direct and say it is causing you upset and stress.

latetothefisting · 27/06/2025 08:19

Can you have a clear conversation with her saying "I know you're worried about my health but I've learned how to manage it the best way that works for me. Buying food I don't want to eat but feel under pressure to makes things harder for me, not easier. I know its coming from a good place and want to assure you i am eating well but it's something I need to manage myself."

Can you show her that you've got an online delivery set up so that you are getting regular food delivered. Or have her round once a week for a family meal so she can see you eating healthily? Basically anything that can reassure her.

Serpentstooth · 27/06/2025 08:20

You are an adult. Thank your mother for her kindness and bin the lot when she leaves. When she asks you how it was tell her you didn't like it and had to bin it after onè bite. Or say it was fine, whichever suits you best. She is far too over-involved in your life if you've asked her to stop and she won't.

Original poster
Frequency · 27/06/2025 08:20

Buying her food she doesn't like would be impossible. The only food she doesn't like is chocolate cake, which she will eat if she is offered, because it is wrong to waste good food Hmm

She doesn't "believe in fussy eaters". She thinks they are just being awkward.

It could possibly be because she is worried about me, but even if it is, it is still not helpful.

OP posts:
Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:21

If my daughter was eating

it is a chocolate protein bar for breakfast or high protein cereal or porridge, no lunch and chicken, cauliflower, and broccoli for dinner with a sugar-free jelly and a muller light or protein yogurt for dessert, then a low cal chocolate bar and an Options for supper

then I would probably be wanting to buy her groceries to ensure she eats too

Kolatop · 27/06/2025 08:21

I don’t know why everyone is making out that this is so “odd” of you. Maybe other posters don’t feel this way about food, but I’m certain everyone would feel this way about something - I’m not sure why people can’t just transfer that scenario.

If it were clothes and she kept buying clothes you didn’t like and getting upset you don’t wear them, people would understand it. If it were music and she kept buying CDs you didn’t like them getting upset you’re not listening to them, people would understand it. If it were paint colours and she kept buying colours you didn’t like and getting upset you didn’t paint your house that colour, people would understand.

I don’t know why people don’t understand that some people like food. They enjoy food. We can have a limited amount in a day and we don’t want to spend that amount on something unenjoyable. If it were a choice between eating it and starving, we wouldn’t starve (just like you’d rather wear ugly clothes than go naked) but when nice food is readily available, why would we eat food we don’t like?!

This isn’t odd at all.

Edit: Cross-posted. This is two sides of the same coin. You’re undereating, undernourished and have extremely restrictive eating. As a result, she doesn’t take you seriously when you don’t like foods. She dismissed your opinions as “weird” and doesn’t take them into account. I assume she was always like this because it’s well known that eating disorders tend to be a desire to have some control. She’s probably worried you’re not eating enough but is also not worried enough to put aside her view that you must eat what she wants you to it. It’s the battle most mums have at the toddler stage.

stuckinthemuddiestwaters · 27/06/2025 08:21

YANBU

She is inserting herself into your life in a way that you don’t want and then getting upset when you’re not as appreciative as she thinks you should be. This is her issue!

The hard bit is stating your boundaries and being OK with her being upset with you if she doesn’t like them.

Jollyjoy · 27/06/2025 08:21

This isn’t a situation posters can really comment on, we don’t know how you eat and why your mother is worried. But eating disorders affect families and not just an individual, her behaviour may make sense depending on the level of your disordered eating.

Hotchocbombe · 27/06/2025 08:24

Given the Op has started multiple threads about her very serious disordered eating… safe to say the mother in this scenario is very concerned about her daughter (and grandchildren possibly)

4forksache · 27/06/2025 08:25

“Mum I know you love me and that’s why you are doing what you are doing, and are trying to help me but it's not helpful to buy things I don't want and then you ignore me when I say to either not buy it or i ask you to buy things I do want instead. If you really want to help, you must listen to me so that you are actually helping me, otherwise we are both just getting upset for no good reason“

Floranan · 27/06/2025 08:27

She’s your mum, I’m a mum of adult children, and I probably noooo almost certainly drive them made. I buy them food all the time I do try to buy them what I know they and their families like, but I do get it wrong sometimes (mind you they have said they like that I buy the posh brands not the cheap !). I buy weird things ie my son will be round later and I’ve got his a little tub of Cornish sea salt and garlic I saw it got one for me and thought “. Oooo he would like to try that and bought it” he also has a Battenberg cake 😂 and jam tarts because my DIL loves them. Weird thing to buy but I was in Tesco and saw them and thought of them.

i think your mum is just trying, like I am probably, to still be part of your life, to still feel needed maybe. Maybe she sees you busy successful running a home being an adult, and feels she still needs to be needed.

minnienono · 27/06/2025 08:32

Your mother is genuinely worried about you and doing the only thing she can in this situation, ensuring you have food. She’s probably worried about your dc as well. It may not be the best way to help but when we mums see our adult children struggling our powers to help are limited. I send my dd food (history of disordered eating) though I do send things she genuinely loves and can’t buy where she lives.

read back through your own posts on here and see what you think if it was your dd typing them?

Swipe left for the next trending thread