To not eat food I don't enjoy?

[Frequency]

I genuinely do not know if AIBU. I accept that I am being ridiculous. I also understand that my attitude towards food is probably not healthy.

My mother has taken it upon herself to start buying me groceries. I don't ask for it and I don't know why she is doing it. She says it is to help me because I am busy and stressed with my new (I am busy I am not stressed, I am enjoying my new role)

The problem is she is buying food I don't especially like or enjoy, and then she gets upset when I don't eat it.

I have tried telling her I don't like the food she is buying. She got annoyed that she was wasting money. I have tried thanking her and pretending I like the food she buys, but then she will root through the freezer and find it uneaten, or she will see the kids eating it and get upset.

I have tried saying yes when she asks me what I want and being very specific and explaining that whilst other things are very similar I do not like the similar things I only like the ones I ask for (think frozen ready meals vs fresh ready meals or porridge you cook in a pan vs those instant pots) She will find something else on offer and get that instead. I have tried offering her money for the food so she can buy what I actually like without feeling like she has to find things on offers, but she refuses to accept it.

She is now not speaking to me after offering to call into a shop she was passing that she knows sells protein bars I like. I insisted on giving her the money for them because, as far as chocolate goes, these are expensive.

When she dropped them off, I thanked her and said I didn't have any left because DD had melted my last one by accident after putting a hot kettle right next to the box I usually keep them in, and I don't like them after they have melted and reset because the texture changes. She then told me she had carried them on top of hot pizza
I didn't get annoyed (or I didn't show I was annoyed), I laughed and told her it was fine. DD likes them when they are melted; she will eat them. She left without speaking to me, and then I was inundated with text messages about how I don't appreciate her and she is only trying to help, and why am I making it so difficult for her?

Bear in mind, I am not asking for any of this food. I keep telling her to stop buying me food because of how fussy I am. I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do. How do I get her to stop?

So I have voted here that you are not being unreasonable as I thought it was an odd thing for your mum to do, and was going to suggest that if she wants to help you, you could suggest that she does something else for you such as helping out with your washing or ironing, that you would find helpful. But having read through the thread it looks as if other posters are picking up on specific things you have said about your diet from other threads - so really if that is the situation it’s a bit unreasonable to expect people to respond here to what seems to be a simple situation but is far from being that.

Stop it being a big deal by taking anything that you don’t like to the food bank so then it’s out of your face and she won’t find it either

Does your mum go to any support groups for families of disordered eaters? She may find helpful advice on supporting you without engaging in a battle for control of what you eat.

She’s accidentally joining in your disordered eating.

The issue here isn’t her, or you, it’s disordered eating.

She doesn't, but that might help her. I'll look into that.

Worry around you and your ED has obviously had a massive effect on your mum. Try to have some compassion for her, as she hopefully had for you when your food-related habits were scary for her.

A great idea about the support group for families of those with disordered eating.

Would it be possible to sit down and talk about what’s really driving it for her? To gently discuss her concerns and how you are doing now?

Sounds like she’s trying to get you to break your food rigidity because she’s worried you’re getting back into your ED. You do sound very fussy and restricted - eg porridge for the stove can be the exact same as in the pots. Except the latter usually has some added sugar.

Do you think you find comfort in very specific and limited foods? If so then you know she’s trying to push you to eat different foods because you’re in danger of being in active ED again.

I would tell her thanks, that you don't want groceries buying for you.

Blimey that's not going to help at all! Do you think she's actually going to start eating it just because someone else bought it? If my daughter ate that I'd probably sit her down and have a gentle, supportive chat with her to see if there's any way I could help

I couldn't really vote, I thought this was going to be 'I don't like peppers so refuse to eat them' (which is correct cos peppers are repellent) & was ready to hit the YANBU. But it's so much more complex than that for the both of you.

I had a customer I'd never met before, a complete stranger, unload to me about her daughter's ED the other day. She was so calm about it but was clearly absolutely broken - cos it's no one's fault! From a mum's POV it probably never stops being terrifying, which isn't your responsibility but probably requires a little understanding on your part.

Good luck to you both & pp suggestions of support group for her sounds excellent.

This sounds familiar. My mother in law is like this and she is the queen of disordered eating.

I think you need to be honest with her, tell her "you know I have had eating issues in the past, so this generous buying for me is actually not helpful. I need to choose the right food for me in order to eat sensibly and healthily. I am sorry if that makes you feel rejected but I must do the right thing for my health."

This is a good suggestion. Get the food out of your house. Let her think you ate it.
Don't discuss it - refuse to talk about food. Always change the subject if she starts talking about food.
Just accept the bags of shopping she brings with a brief and minimal "thanks", say nothing more, then talk about something else. If she mentions the shopping, simply don't reply, don't respond to it and instead change the subject again. If she asks a question about what is in the shopping bags, just don't reply. Have a few other topics in mind ready, like local events, family members etc.

Stop fighting her about the money or trying to get her to stop shopping - that is just falling back into the old damaging patterns. Just don't engage.

Your mother has absolutely no business rooting around in your freezer. She is behaving as if it were her own house, when she should be behaving like a guest - because she is a guest in your house.
This shows she has no concept of your boundaries. Perhaps you have no boundaries with her, because you were never allowed to develop any.
But again, don't fight her, just disengage. Don't discuss it.

You need to break the cycle of her trying to control you, and you trying to regain control by controlling your food intake.
You will have more success in building your boundaries in silence than by continuing to fight her.

I don't think any of us can know or can comment on whether in fact you are unwell at the moment and she can see you spiralling and is trying to help, or if your mum is a bit bonkers.

The problem here is your eating disorder.

Your mum is trying to help. It may not actually be helpful, but she understandably wants you to eat a healthier and more varied diet.

I don't know what the answer is, as I've never had to deal with a close family member with an eating disorder.

What I would take from this is that someone who loves you is obviously extremely worried about your current eating. I'd reflect on that. It might be an indication that you're not coping as well as you think you are.

She needs to be less invested in your life. Keeping her at a distance should help.
Be less available..

I can understand her wanting to help you ( not that you need it) and to feel useful, but buying stuff she knows you don't like or sulking because the children eat it is silly. If she won't listen, I personally would keep letting her know that it won't be you eating it.
My friend was in her 40s and her mum still kept buying her clothes (very expensive clothes at that) She wouldn't give my friend the receipts to stop her returning stuff. Some mums find it hard to let go, it seems.

But we don't know what the mum is buying her. It might not be healthy food at all

It's obviously coming from a place of concern for you but it isn't helpful. You'll have to have a sit down, serious conversation with your mum and tell her not to buy you food, you are an adult and perfectly capable of sorting your own food shopping. Then refuse any food that she brings you and keep on refusing it until she stops. If she gets the hump and stops speaking to you, that's on her - you are not responsible for her behaviour.

This.

This is a really good idea.

OP, my mum does similar. But it’s all reduced stuff. Too Good To Go etc. so I get mountains of out of date doughnuts one week, mountains of out of date spinach the next.

If she thinks it’s useful, she could keep it? But she doesn’t. She palms it off onto me and also gets upset when I don’t use it.

I don’t really know how to deal with it either.

Is there any chance she's ill or suffering cognitive decline?

If not then it's just a power trip. She wants to feel needed but only on her terms. My mother can be like this. She's forever offering to 'help' with my house (because my housekeeping standards aren't up to hers) and then when she arrives instead of actually doing anything useful she decides she's going to tackle my study, for example, and messes up my papers and reorganises my desk drawers so I can't find anything and moves furniture round into stupid locations.

The only solution I have is just to breezily but firmly refuse absolutely all offers of help and then just endure the sulk that follows until it passes (usually when she has a new bright idea for how to improve me as a person). In your case this might involve just immediately handing back any food she buys with a polite but firm 'no thanks, I don't need it and there's nowhere to store it'. She'll probably be a nightmare about it but you just have to let that wash over you until it passes.

Of course she’s worried about you. You are a disordered eater who has a history of not eating enough and being hugely restrictive over what you will eat.

if the bit about only eating frozen chicken and veg and the kids fending for themselves in terms of shopping and cooking is true too, that’s massively concerning. Her attempts to help are perhaps cack handed but come on, you know exactly why she is behaving as she does.

I appreciate she might be worried, but I don't understand why now, as other than starting a new job, nothing has changed. My weight is staying stable, and I am eating. I am not anywhere near underweight and haven't been since I was in my early twenties.

The rigidity around what I eat isn't about comfort, as such, it is about control, knowing that I am going to eat X at Y time takes all the stress out of food and eating. I decide I will eat X, I eat X. Simple. I don't need to worry about how many calories are in it or if it will trigger a binge or if it fits with the rest of my day, I just eat it. I don't have to think about it or stress about it.

If X is not available, that can sometimes cause me stress. Sometimes I can find something else to eat, sometimes I skip that meal, but I can usually make up for that by eating more later in the day. When I have that control, I can manage my eating without losing too much weight and without food impacting on the rest of my life.

Bringing me Y to eat when I have decided to eat X is never going to help me, even if I was struggling.

@BeachPossum. If you read the full thread, it seems a bit more complex than that.

You need to explain this calmly to your mother. Or show her this thread.