AIBU to have no ‘ride or die’ best mates as I approach 40?

[Readytrew]

Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a bit of late-night overthinking, but here goes.

I’m nearly 40 and I don’t really have that one best friend or close-knit group of mates people always seem to talk about. I have a few people I’d class as friends, some closer than others, and a decent amount of acquaintances through work, parenting, etc. But no one I’d call at 2am in a crisis. No one who knows everything about me, or who I’d call a ‘ride or die’.

Over the years I’ve had periods of closer friendships (uni, early work life) but they’ve all kind of drifted or fizzled. Sometimes mutual, sometimes just life getting in the way. I’m not saying I was perfect in keeping up either. People moved, priorities changed, etc.

Some days I’m fine with it and actually prefer not having the emotional maintenance of close friendships. Other days, I’ll see people posting about lifelong besties or read threads on here about friends supporting each other through tough times, and I wonder if I’ve missed out somehow.

Then I read other threads where friends are flakey, toxic, or weirdly competitive, and I think maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

AIBU to feel a bit ‘meh’ about not having deep friendships at this stage of life? Is this just how things go as we get older, or have I let something important slip away?

I know it's not too late to find more friends either. It's just harder as we get older.

I have 3 'ride or die' friends, one an old schoolfriend and two who I met when our children were little in nursery. I rely on them for emotional support (and vice versa) and good times. I can tell them anything and I keep their confidences. We all have busy lives and can go weeks without contact but I know they're there when I need them.

The thing is, like any other relationship, friendships take time and effort. And that can be hard when life is busy with kids, work, family etc. It also means accepting people for who they are - all of my friends have their quirks and slightly annoying habits - but so do I!

I think people get busy, I've kept up some of my friendships through sending memes 😂 then voice notes came along and now these have turned into mini podcasts - probably only actually speak about every 3-4 weeks.

When we meet it's usually to do things that are reminiscent of things we used to do.

I don't know for sure but I also think in the 40s everyone is going through some kind of personal perimenopausal hell in some way.

I literally have no one. I spent my 50th on my own feeling very sad, no cards, no presents, 2 birthday texts. Plan something you love and enjoy every second :) Happy birthday

Happy 50th birthday @sunshine47 🎂

I hope you mark it in some way for yourself...do something you always wanted to do or get something you always wanted

OP I don't have one either. But I do have other relationships...someone I could call for different things...not one person for everything.

Some are better at emotional support...some who would help out practically...etc.

And I am trying to be better at being the one people can lean on to. For different things.

I never understood this 'phone at 2am ' thing. Literally anyone I know would help out in that sort of emergency - my boss, any of the neighbours, all colleagues, all family, every Facebook friend. Because they would know I wouldn't be calling them unless something very bad had happened. It's no real judge of a friendship.

@Nevertrustacop i'm the opposite

I don't understand the 2 am thing because I think most friends (when I had them) would be unhappy if they got a call at 2 am. Maybe not the closest ones, but say I had appendicitis or something at 2 am.... I think most people would just think I should go to hospital on my own. Everyone's got to get up and go to work or deal with children, etc.

I think you're meant to call family in that situation. And I don't have any really. My mother would have helped, but she is 86 now and would be literally unable to help.

@Readytrew not sure what to say really. I went into my 40s with friends I thought were brilliant. And they have definitely helped me a lot over the years. They've now disappeared. So my 50th is going to be depressing. Probably. I'm slowly getting to know new people but I don't have much faith in it turning into real friendship.

I do see the 2 am thing as a bit of a social media invention. Or it's a real "best friend plus emergency" scenario.

But this is like people who don't save suddenly realising they don't have a pension.

I find it weird that throughout school, work and as a parent you didn't make any really good friends.

I thought I did but they all wound up taking advantage of my good nature. I’m now much more closed off to people.

I have one friend like this and he’s of the opposite sex. I worry when he dies I’ll be completely left alone. He’s the one I talk insane rubbish too, am most myself with. We’ve been there for each other for 25 years. I have called him at 2am when I found my ex husband had an account at an extra marital affair website. He continues to remain calm and offer advice/perspective. I do think he is my safe place particularly through the recent loss of my father. I can count on him. I appreciate this friendship more the older we get. I’m late 50s. He’s late 60s. I don’t have girlfriends like this. I would equally be here for him although I think he’s more resilient than me in life. The thought of losing him like I lost dad worries me a lot. I’m probably overthinking due to grief but yeah, I don’t have anyone else like this. I think we are both on the adhd spectrum and just get each other.

I'm in my 20s and have never really had any ride or die friends. I've made good friends at school, uni, and work but they have all been very situational friendships - not much connection outside of the fact that we are just spending lots of time together. Plus I lean to the introverted side of life.

Oftentimes I overthink this as well and panic about my lack of friendships, but I also know that I really suck at balancing life and probably won't prioritise them as much as I should.

I've recently had a baby so it makes the loneliness a bit more pronounced. I've been inspired by a few work colleagues who just invite people out for activities and stuff and make friends easily! So I have tried to be more outgoing in introducing myself to others and trying to make good convo with minimal smalltalk. One day, I'll get the courage to ask someone out for coffee or something haha

Not unusual. Loads of threads of a similar nature

You up with the baby now

I have some good friends but I wouldn't dream of phoning any of them in an emergency, and I don't have any family, so would just have to deal with anything alone. If my exDH lived in the same town he would get the call, but he doesn't.

There is a difference between friends and someone you know you can rely on in any circumstances, and while my friends would no doubt say they would be there for me I just wouldn't call, they have their own families and lives.

i have had some great friendship groups over the years, some great coworkers that I’ve been friends with outside of work, old drinking pals from uni, old flatmates etc…We are in touch occasionally and always happy to catch up but quite often it’s years in between seeing them. Maybe a WhatsApp once or twice a year. I’ve a family with young kids, 3 siblings, 7 nieces and nephews and my dad and work full time. I just don’t have the time for close friends and feel fulfilled with my current set up. I’m also incredibly comfortable in my own company. When I finally retire I think I could quite happily fill my days pottering and if I miss human interaction I’ll join a club or a class. If someone called me at 2am, I’d be there for them regardless if we had spoken in the last year. If I needed someone at 2am…I’d probably look to family first but even the neighbours in my street wouldn’t hesitate to help. I bet you would be the same OP!

I have a few mates who I enjoy spending time with, but no 'ride or die'.

My husband is my confidante. And if I need someone burying at 3am, he'd do it!

Apart from that, I'm pretty private / secretive and don't want anyone knowing all of my business.

With mates, but without really close friends, I never have any drama, but do have a nice social life. That's the balance that works best for my personality type.

I know it's not the point of your post but IME people don't answer their phone at 2am anyway.

I did have an emergency/crisis in the middle of the night once and no one answered.

I've got several friends. I like them, we meet up, we have fun. But it's so different to the intense friendships of youth, where your friends are everything.

What does "ride or die" mean?

Have never heard this expression before. I have old friends who live further away who I see about twice a year, not many local friends these days though, but nice close family relationships.

I haven’t had that close a friend since my early 20’s, my only ‘friends’ now are work colleagues and a relative.

I have probably 3 ride or die friends. One I would class as a best friend but in reality we’re not. I have another friend who has moved away and I’m always the one texting her etc. My absolute best friend went a bit crazy over lockdown and started being an utter bitch to me so it had to end. It does get to me that I’m not really anyone’s best friend but it’s ended up that way and I have people around me so it’s fine.

My best friend died 9 years ago and my other friends have turned out to be frenemies. In my 50s and I swither between caring deeply and not caring a jot. It’s a strange thing.

I Googled - a ride or die friend sounds like what I have with DH, or how I would support DDs in an emergency, or other close family. I wouldn't have the energy to be that devoted to a friend as well, nor expect a friend to be that devoted to me.

I'm mid 60's and I don't have those type of friends either.

I have one, who I love dearly. I'm utterly crap at friendships and she's similar but we'd always be there for each other. Other than that it's DP and adult DC.

Having said that I would try and help anyone in an emergency if I could, I wouldn't hesitate.

I have one close friend who I can truly be myself around but she’s got a busy life and doesn’t have time for me. We see each other 2/3 times a year despite being only 2 miles away.

I’ve tried so hard over the years to make good friends but it’s just never gone beyond the surface.