AIBU to have no ‘ride or die’ best mates as I approach 40?

[Readytrew]

Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a bit of late-night overthinking, but here goes.

I’m nearly 40 and I don’t really have that one best friend or close-knit group of mates people always seem to talk about. I have a few people I’d class as friends, some closer than others, and a decent amount of acquaintances through work, parenting, etc. But no one I’d call at 2am in a crisis. No one who knows everything about me, or who I’d call a ‘ride or die’.

Over the years I’ve had periods of closer friendships (uni, early work life) but they’ve all kind of drifted or fizzled. Sometimes mutual, sometimes just life getting in the way. I’m not saying I was perfect in keeping up either. People moved, priorities changed, etc.

Some days I’m fine with it and actually prefer not having the emotional maintenance of close friendships. Other days, I’ll see people posting about lifelong besties or read threads on here about friends supporting each other through tough times, and I wonder if I’ve missed out somehow.

Then I read other threads where friends are flakey, toxic, or weirdly competitive, and I think maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

AIBU to feel a bit ‘meh’ about not having deep friendships at this stage of life? Is this just how things go as we get older, or have I let something important slip away?

I know it's not too late to find more friends either. It's just harder as we get older.

I don't have that circle of if friends either.
People I know are always going on nights out, holidays together that kind of thing.
I don't have that kind of friendships. People are friendly,but I'm not the one getting invited to these things 🤷

Exactly! And the vast majority of your life isn’t a 2 am emergency, anyway,
.

No op I dont have that either. Friendships weird in your 50s only a small few make an effort now. People are flaky. My sisters group are nice but 2 way efforts to keep it going.

I can relate to this. I'm friendly and outgoing but don't have close friends. Learning to accept this and build strong bonds with my DC, they are where I focus my energy.

I didn't have that at your age, some old school friends who lived in other parts of the country but at the time I was busy with young kids and my marriage.
Now divorced in my 50's and dc almost flown the nest, I do have a close group of friends mostly through a shared hobby. We go away together and I know I could call any of them at 2AM as they could me.
Life changes and it's never too late.

I find it weird that throughout school, work and as a parent you didn't make any really good friends.
This type of passive-aggressive comment is unhelpful - it doesn't matter if you find it weird.

I had this thought the other day - the reality hit me that I have no one I could call if I needed something urgent, it made me feel really down for a while as there have been some friendships I thought would be that then for whatever reason I've been ghosted. However I look at it a little that you can't force it but you can put your energy into those around that do care like partners and kids.
I do see posts on Facebook though and feel sad still as I don't have that nor will I ever now realistically and that does include family too. Just makes me even more determined to try and nurture a great relationship with my kids!

Was wondering the same thing

No, it really isn't the same thing

It's increasingly common to see that people had friends and they all disappeared. It's also increasingly common on here to see people saying they don't want to deal with their friends anymore.

I would never have made it through life without friends! I've been on a long journey, - well documented on here - trying to manage now, and I have sort of reached a good place. But it is really weird to realise that the next medical emergency means no one to help out.

Im 43 and very introverted <antisocial>. I’d probably say my Dd1 is my bestie day to day and be quite truthful. However thinking about friends I have one friend who says I’m her ride or die and she definitely relies a lot if there’s a crisis or she needs help with something I’m good at. I’m not good at asking for help and not really good at sharing much, was brought up to be very private, so she unfortunately knows little about what’s really going on below the surface in my family life at the moment, so while I do enjoy her company I wouldn’t say ride or die. (Not meant to be horrible, she knows I struggle with opening up and sharing etc)

Trigger warnings for lots of life events. My other friend I met at a time when we both were young and vulnerable, I literally held her together through a life crisis, helped her through a legal battle and save her marriage which suffered because of the fallout from this. Rebuilt her mental health which was understandably destroyed and her physical health declined. Then a battle with infertility, 2 house moves and bereavement. She in turn helped me get out of an abusive relationship, find “me” again, health battles, marriage, preemie baby (and has been her life long favourite person too), baby loss and almost dying myself, a life changing accident and permanent disability and now a seriously ill DC and possibly losing our livelihood. All by early 40s. She’s my ring at 2am and she will answer with “do we need to hide a body” meme ride or die. We don’t fit the stereotypes, neither of us are beautiful, we are both antisocial, neither have money and we swear a lot, life has been a shitshow but it’s not a cliche to say I would do anything for her. It’s on paper that should anything happen to both DH and I that’s who DDs would go to because I know she’d be there in a heartbeat and raise them like I do and nobody and nothing would stop her!

I have 1 ride or die friend and we have been together since we were 6 and we are both 40 in the next couple of months. We don’t live close but if either of us needed anything then deffo there for each other. I have other friends but not like this one she is an absolute queen ❤️ maybe you just haven’t found that one you just click with it. Friends like these dont need effort or prompting you just know.

Oh that's really helpful (rolls eyes).
Telling someone you think they are weird is neither helpful nor constructive. TBH I find it amazing YOU'd have any close friends given you are that insensitive and judgemental!

I wish I could send you a hug

Because life happens. People move cities, jobs, divorce, ill health etc.

You can outgrow school friends and lose regular touch with others, not so hard to understand.

I agree, I've always thought this!

Reading through these comments has made me realise that although I have some close friends, I don’t have a friend to call for that 2am emergency. It would probably be my DH or my adult DC.

I have faced some pretty dire events in my life; childhood sexual abuse, domestic abuse, bereavement, premature birth, serious illness in dc, sudden serious illness in myself. Each time I have sorted it on my own, later with my husband. It’s as if I had it drummed into me as a child that I had to be self sufficient, I can’t seem to share bad situations with friends. I have always encouraged my children to share their feelings and worries with close friends (& us of course).
I am the friend who has been there for my friends & family for the 2am call. I just don’t feel I could ask in return.

I consider myself fortunate that I have so many friends. I have no brothers or sisters so my friends are extremely important to me. I have one friend, we’ve been together since we were 3. Some of my friends have truly gone above and beyond to help me for which I’m
forever grateful. My mother was the same, even at age 88 she still got 50+ Christmas cards and she kept in touch with so many people.

I think friendships like any relationship has to be worked at.

I have a feeling that there are thousands of really nice, slightly shy/ introverted women sitting all over the UK with no way of finding each other!