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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the strange one here?

47 replies

Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 20:37

My husband (20. Years) has now adult children from a previous relationship. We have two together. 14 and 11.

He has massive private pensions and an inheritance - significantly large coming his way. None of this will come to me or my/our joint children.

I earn less (now). But have assets. And will also have a large inheritance coming my way.

We have never shared finances. His wealth, pension etc goes to HIS children. Everything I have will go to MY children.

All the bills etc are in my name. I message him on payday with an amount that he owes and he transfers it.

What he does with the rest of his money is not my concern. And my money is my money.

The adult children are aware of this. We never have to argue or discuss money.

My adult step children, who I love dearly were in my will. However, weddings, house extension, new car etc fell into their lives. So I paid them all equally a significant amount. And now they are out of my will and they are aware of this.

I see so many issues on here with who pays what and who earns what.

I have told a few friends about this and they don't get it. But it works for me and stops a lot of agro.

If one works and one is a full time mom, I can see sharing works. But am I wrong in thinking that that if a couple can equally share the work load (work and family chores) that keeping it separate works better?

OP posts:
RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 26/06/2025 20:41

It clearly works for you and your dh and that's all that matters.

The only weird bit (imo) is your dh not sharing the inheritance between all of his children, that may cause some resentment, but it's obviously something you're all comfortable with, so it doesn't really matter what your friends or random Internet people think.

Motomum23 · 26/06/2025 20:43

I'm a bit lost as to why you alone have to fund your joint children. Shouldn't his will and assets be split 4 ways (presuming there's 4 children) and yours 2 ways for your 2 children?? I mean if you're happy great but I couldn't imagine being ok with my dh funding his kids from another marriage and not our joint kids

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/06/2025 20:43

I don’t get it really. What’s the issue? Are you unhappy your partner doesn’t include his own younger children in his money? Or are you happy with this and struggling to understand why people think it’s weird?

CharlieCoCo · 26/06/2025 20:44

When you say MY children, don't you mean OUR children, because they are his too. So why isn't he paying towards them too?

Floranan · 26/06/2025 20:47

If it works for you fine.

i just question that you have given his children money for setting up life, will he do the same for yours.

also, I think he should treat ALL his children the same, his money/assets should be spilt equally between his children regardless to who their mother is. Your finances/assets should be spilt between any child you gave birth to

he’s basically saying the children that he has with you don’t count in his finances that’s terrible

AbzMoz · 26/06/2025 20:47

I don’t understand why he is leaving to his first kids only and not all his kids, but at the end of the day if you’re happy with it crack on.

I also don’t quite understand how your joint kids can be happy with this unless you both have identical assets and it nets out? I feel this is asking for trouble later if the intent is not made clear.

Curious to ask if I may - does whoever dies last get spousal transfer? In which case the kids are incentivised to back a parent to live longer?

LoveWine123 · 26/06/2025 20:49

My husband and I don’t share finances and we work similarly to you although not so specific as to transfer specific sums of money to each other. Bills, mortgage, etc. it just all kind of evens out in the end. So that’s not really weird in my view. However him not supporting your joint children is definitely not normal. Is the inheritance coming his way from his previous wife I.e. your step children’s mother? That would be the only way I will forgive him not splitting it four ways. And even then…you are giving money to his children but he is not including his own children in his will?

Thaawtsom · 26/06/2025 20:52

Agree with PP that him not intending to share his wealth / inheritance equally between his bio children is weird in my book. But it's not my business. If all of you are happy that's all that matters. Why are you in AIBU? Do you think the situation is U underneath?

NamelessNancy · 26/06/2025 20:54

If your ok with it then that's what matters. Wouldn't work for me though. Inheritances and incomes are not guaranteed. Ill health, disability etc can hit out of the blue. When DH and I married we shared those risks and as such all is pooled/shared.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2025 20:57

Why’s he only leaving money to his older kids? Doesn’t he like the ones you’ve had together?

With separate finances and knowing he’s not leaving anything to the shared kids why have you given his kids anything?

JLou08 · 26/06/2025 20:58

Why is he leaving money to his older children but not his younger ones? The younger ones may have issue with that when the time comes.
The only time I could think this possibly being reasonable would be if his older children had no involvement from maternal family and you were the only mother to them. I suppose you could maybe argue there that all 4 should get a fairly equal inheritance from you as a couple.

callingtown · 26/06/2025 20:59

Maybe the poster means his wealth will go to ALL his children while her wealth will only go to HER (their) children ie not her step children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2025 21:00

callingtown · 26/06/2025 20:59

Maybe the poster means his wealth will go to ALL his children while her wealth will only go to HER (their) children ie not her step children?

He has massive private pensions and an inheritance - significantly large coming his way. None of this will come to me or my/our joint children.

callingtown · 26/06/2025 21:02

Oh… that’s interesting. I think I’d be pissed if my dad made a difference between me and my siblings but I guess we’re all different

purpleme12 · 26/06/2025 21:04

I don't understand
He's leaving his money/assets to his older kids but not his younger kids? Why would he do that?

Rhaidimiddim · 26/06/2025 21:16

I just hope when.you say " will go to HIS children" this is all of them, and not just the ones he had before meeting you.

MounjaroMounjaro · 26/06/2025 21:31

Why wouldn't he leave anything to two of his children? Is he leaving anything to you? This sounds like financial abuse, OP. Unless you are determined to stay with him, it would be financially more beneficial to divorce him and have a more secure future for yourself and your children.

Original poster
Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 21:32

@ToKittyornottoKitty yes I am happy with it and so is he. It is outsiders who disagree.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 26/06/2025 21:35

But he has 4 children so surely he should leave money to all of them?!

Original poster
Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 21:40

My assets are significantly higher than his. He pays half to expenses for our joint children. His inheritance will come from his family not his ex wife. He is older than me so his potential earnings are less.

The adult children who I have a great relationship with will benefit more from their dad splitting his finances amongst three rather than five. And our joint children will benefit from my assets and also my inheritance.

I have paid my three step children a considerable amount, because at the time when they needed it I had liquid funds and he did not.

And he does love all his children the same. Without question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 21:43

@Lmnop22 my assets are significantly greater. So it seems fairer that he shares with his three oldest and I can take care of the younger two. The eldest three have no rights over my assets. Everyone benefits from this arrangement.

It seems unfair for him to split his pot five ways when the younger two are set up for life with my assets.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 21:45

@MounjaroMounjaro no abuse at all. My assets are significantly higher than his. And no I do not get a penny. But I am financially very secure in my own right.

OP posts:
LittleDoveLove · 26/06/2025 21:45

Definitely agree with PP I wouldn’t be happy with him only supporting two of his children at all it’s very strange. From your children’s perspective it looks like their Dad doesn’t care about them as much as his other two, I would be very surprised if this didn’t cause a huge rift between siblings and cause the joint children you have to feel rejected by their Dad.

Original poster
Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 21:48

@LittleDoveLove we are all incredibly close as a family. The younger two are more than financially stable to the point where neither of them would need to work, not that I will tell them that or promote that. He is a wonderful father and all 5 children are treated equally with love and attention.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/06/2025 21:49

Luckymum20 · 26/06/2025 21:32

@ToKittyornottoKitty yes I am happy with it and so is he. It is outsiders who disagree.

The way you worded it in the OP gave the impression he was overall wealthier than you, and made him sound selfish like he has favourite kids, and you are overly generous with his children as well as your own. Maybe if thats how you are explaining it to people that’s why they think your set up is bad. You’ve since painted it totally differently and I think that would give people a different take on it. Overall, stop discussing your personal finances with people outside your immediate family and nobody will have an issue with it.