To still feel so hurt

[Whiruntheworld]

i ended my LTR relationship around 8 months ago, we have 2 wonderful children together and I can’t help but think I have failed. I had very good reasons for ending the relationship, he immediately got into a relationship with the woman I shouldn’t have been worried about as it was just his best friends sister. They seem to be having a great life, monthly holidays, nights out etc, i
am still here carrying on our old life and looking after the kids. It just doesn’t seem fair but would I swap lives with him…no? Why does it hurt so much?

Wounds hurt when they are healing

It’s just really hard that he gets to carry on with his life like nothing happened.

I am back at my parents and feeling like such a failure, I’m due on my period so I don’t think that helps. Money is tight so I have applied for a council property but I just don’t see how my life will end up better

Things aren’t always what they appear to be on the surface - he could well be brave facing it to his mates

He should be looking after the kids 50% of the time

They are constantly on holiday and seem to be so happy. My son was at football training last night and when his dad rang he was in the pub and I could hear her in the background, my son would love him to take him to football but he never has. I left him because of how selfish he was.

He has them 2 nights per week

I suppose it would be nice to hear from
people that have been through this and come out the other side, stronger and happier. Or to maybe hear from the woman who the man got with straight after and it wasn’t as rosy as it seems…

I'm so sorry. You will feel better eventually but it does hurt a lot at first.

Have you started to claim child support and other benefits? The chance of a council home is pretty slim, I would think. Do you get on well with your parents? Are they happy for you to stay?

I do get on well with my parents yes and I am very grateful that they have offered to do this for us.

I left him because of how selfish he was

Then you know that you’re better off. Are you more sad over his lack of input with the children? He needs to step up there

How do people just move on so quickly? It is more annoying that he said I really didn’t need to worry about her!

He was out most days of the week at various hobbies, weekend long festivals with the woman I need not worry about, I feel so stupid

It hurts because although it was your decision the fact is he took the piss out of you and then rubbed it in your face but he’ll undoubtedly take the piss out of this new one too though. They don’t suddenly change who they are!

which you know is pretty piss-poor, right? Don't defend him for that. His kids will one day realise he only bothered with them less than 50% of the time and instead enjoyed holidays like a teenager.

But regarding how you're feeling, here's the thing. It's been said for a long time and I've seen it to be true over and over; men and women deal with relationship break-ups very very differently.
Women feel the hurt straight away, and they take a long time to get over it. They seek out comfort and opportunities to talk it through and they get this from friends, family, online, comfort food, one night stands, etc. Then eventually, over time they start to feel better and they move on.
Meanwhile, men enjoy and embrace the new life, and they tell themselves they are just fine, they throw themselves into new and exciting things, they get new partners much quicker etc etc, but the novelty and the excitement doesn't last too long for men and they come back down to earth and begin to long for the familiarity and comfort of their old life and old routines and regret what they've done.
At this point, a man will often go back to the women, but 9/10, it's too late, she's done her grieving and her thinking and she no longer wants him. And that's when it really hits the man.

So don't worry, his time will come, and by the time it does, you'll have figured your shit out and you won't feel this way any more.

He's trying to save face, that's all, op.

It's ego and narcissistic anger - he's giving you a big two fingers up and plastering his new fun life to make you feel bad. It soothes his ego and any hurt he feels that you dumped him (because: how dare you?!) .

Give yourself time, focus on self care, your children and building a new life for yourself, it will make such a difference

Ask yourself honestly - do you think a life of living it up constantly with some girl he hardly knows is really sustainable?
It's whirlwind. It's not his life now. He'll come back to Earth with a bump at some point and you will have bult an actual life by then.

Use the paltry 2 days he has his children to do something nice for yourself. Get out, make new friends, start a new hobby, do something you never could have done while you were with him.

I promise things will get better and your only regret will be how much time you wasted with someone who wasn't right for you.

Really?

It’s just really hard when you’re in it though isn’t it, hopefully I will come out the other side and be much happier

I just don’t understand how people can jump straight into a new relationship if they loved somebody, I did love him with all my heart and it was the hardest decision ever to end it but I couldn’t allow him to take the piss out of me any longer

Because that's what some people do to heal the hurt, they cover it up with something else. But as I said, it's not sustainable, it will all come crashing down and you, having allowed yourself to feel your feelings in a healthy way, will have moved on.

Good for you for doing what's right for you, and probably what's right for your kids. I promise that one day it won't hurt any more and you will be so happy you did what you did.

Sometimes I question if I made the right decision but I suppose him
moving on so quickly solidifies it. I could never go back after that.

You're questioning that now because you're lonely and worried you won't be happy again and thinking that you probably should have settled and put up with his crap and it would have been better than this.
But people don't end relationships they're happy in. It's hard enough to end relationships you're unhappy in. You did it for a reason and when the mist clears, you'll see that

Thank you so much

I am that person who has been through it and come out the other side. My ex left me and moved in with a girlfriend within 2 weeks though he still insists it wasn’t an affair. At the time I was devastated. She was younger, no kids, beautiful and they seems to go away on trips and were always out for dinner- something we never did. Fast forward 9 months and they had finished- she was jealous, high maintenance and not actually very nice. She then made his life a misery for another 6 months. In the meantime I decided to do online dating which was terrifying and I was nervous about as I’d heard so much bad reports about it. I lucked out and met someone, we chatted for months before meeting and built up a friendship- as I was still recovering from the divorce. Anyway 3 years later we are together and happy. My ex has flitted about between girlfriends. Sometimes things do work out better- though it might not feel like it in the early days. Have faith op x