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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband met work colleague without letting me know

34 replies

GreenFatball · 26/06/2025 07:09

I’m at a loss… my husband has been having a mid life crisis which I don’t believe was an actual thing till he started. Very distant just asking for space to sort out what he wanted, we’ve been together 30 years so I think he’s after passion and excitement where I’m just content.there’s been no friction just living as normal with the knowledge something not right Anyway he came home from work a couple of hours later than usual didn’t ring waltzed in and said I’ve been helping Claire do some work and drinking beer in my office as if I should have known and not worried. Then he went to do some chores on Saturday due back at 12.00 text at 1.15 I’ve gone to pub be back soon then turned up at 6.30 and stated he had met Claire for coffee because she was upset (so like 5 hours) and he didn’t tell me because he knew how I’d react. He said it’s as simple as that they not having an affair he likes her a lot and they good friends. I just can’t get past the time they sat chatting whilst I was as home waiting I’m obviously jealous and insecure because of his distance recently but he’s basically said so what do you want to do? I have spoken to him I just wish he had apologised or shown some regret of going because of how it’s made me feel I still have a knot 5 days on … should I just try and let it go? and if so how … I’m so angry

OP posts:
Eldermileniummam · 26/06/2025 07:12

OP this doesn't sound good and no I don't think you need to let it go but I also think the more you question him the more he'll use that as an excuse to continue. Do you have the sort of relationship where you can talk about how you both feel?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 26/06/2025 07:22

You're in a very difficult situation because he's being very disrespectful by not letting you know where he is and spending a lot of time with this woman.

When you say 'midlife crisis', what's he doing?

Shade17 · 26/06/2025 07:23

It’s never a 50 year old, 20 stone Dave they have to help out is it?

Steelworks · 26/06/2025 07:26

The first working late situation, fair enough . Sometimes you do get caught up with work and you could write it off as a one-off.

However, the ‘doing some chores’ situation, which was obviously pre-planned arrangement to meet Claire, is crossing a line, and then to spend all afternoon out. He may see it as a platonic friendship, but it’s crossed over into an emotional affair - there’s a fine line.

If I’m going out all morning or afternoon, I tell my dh so they don’t worry where I am, know whether I’m in for a meal etc, not disappear for a large chunk of time.

He needs reading the riot act, and explaining how disrespectful it is to you. Tell him, even though it’s not physical, he’s having an affair, or at least acting like he is. Out of curiosity, have you seen his phone? Are they messaging a lot?

Cerialkiller · 26/06/2025 07:28

Let me guess, she considerable younger then you/him. Fairly attractive, is either single with children and 'struggling' or is in a toxic relationship which she can't get out of etc etc and just needs a (older male) shoulder to cry on. He is in a senior position to hers.

He's in danger of becoming a walking cliche if he isn't already.

KPPlumbing · 26/06/2025 07:33

Claire can be upset on someone else's time...

I would ask your husband what's going on - both with Claire, and with the bigger picture.

What is he craving? Can you make some changes and reach a compromise together that makes you both happy?

Original poster
GreenFatball · 26/06/2025 07:34

Unfortunately it’s not our strongest area we did try last night to talk over other things but when I mentioned this incident he just says it’s done what do you want me to do or say? I just want every detail now even though it won’t help, did he hug her, would he like an affair with her what did he speak about for 5 hrs, did she mention he ought to leave as this wasn’t arranged? I don’t think their having an affair but their relationship makes me feel off

OP posts:
ShoeeMcfee · 26/06/2025 07:35

Maybe they're not having an affair, but it looks like your DH would like to have one, I'm sorry, OP.

Thingamebobwotsit · 26/06/2025 07:36

Yes, sorry OP this is either the beginning of an emotional or physical affair, or he would very much like one. Men are just as susceptible to limerance as women.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/06/2025 07:37

He's having an affair. Sorry. it couldn't be more obvious if it was tattooed on his forehead. Absolutely classic script here. And when he says "what do you want to do?" it almost sounds as if he's trying to push this to a flashpoint so he can leave.

No you shouldn't "let it go": it's hugely disrespectful. You need to leave or get him to leave, I think you know that already, right?

The question is how ready you are to do that. Do you have kids? Do you work? Is there somewhere you can go?

Original poster
GreenFatball · 26/06/2025 07:38

I’ve not seen his phone he changed his passcode a while back because he changed all his passwords because he had duplicates. she did text him Saturday morning as it showed as a notification when he was in the shower alarm bells ringing lol

OP posts:
SamDeanCas · 26/06/2025 07:40

If you’re not comfortable with him spending time with Claire then you need to tell him. Tell him how it’s making you feel and then judge his response and actions.

I’m all for people having friendships, and in some cases a great friendship can be between a male and a female, but never to the detriment of the main relationship.

If he insists on spending further time with Claire then you have an issue, and will have to make your decision based on him choosing to spend time with his friend/woman over your feelings. As a pp said, I very much doubt he’d choose to spend 5 hrs talking to Dave or helping him out with chores and not tell you.

I think him telling you, is him justifying it to himself, he can’t be accused of lying etc. Keep her in plain sight.

Conniebygaslight · 26/06/2025 07:53

He’s acting as if this in completely normal and acceptable OP so you second guess your feelings about it and it’s working. Completely manipulative. This is neither normal or acceptable.
He definitely wants an affair with her if he’s not already. He’s behaving appallingly towards you. I’m so sorry.

Changingletters · 26/06/2025 07:54

Of course you should be angry. He is going on dates with this woman and supporting her emotionally. He's having an affair - emotionally and possibly physically.

UhhhhhhhOK · 26/06/2025 08:01

Tricky. I like to hang out with my workmates to have breathers from household dramas (male and female)

Perhaps invite Claire over and suss out the situation? It would save a lot of questioning and conclusion jumping

Fantailsflitting · 26/06/2025 08:02

I'd be getting legal advice, taking copies of financial information and preparing to serve divorce papers. His level of disrespect for you is staggering. If you started this type of carry on with a much younger colleague he would not be accepting. I suppose you could have a chat to Clare and explain that you'll be letting their mutual employer know about their behaviour and your husband drinking alcohol at work - assuming you don't need him to be employed to pay maintenance, buy you out of the house etc. Don't get angry, get even is my motto.

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 26/06/2025 08:07

Shade17 · 26/06/2025 07:23

It’s never a 50 year old, 20 stone Dave they have to help out is it?

Exactly this.
He's had his head turned.
Utterly disrespectful and finding ways to blame you for your completely reasonable reaction. How would he feel if the tables were turned?
Watch out for more of this 'blaming.'
Classic script 💐

Endofyear · 26/06/2025 08:08

OP if he's not having an affair with her already, he wants to. As hard as it is to accept, the whole 'wanting space' and 'trying to work out what he wants' is all code for he's got the hots for someone else.

If I were you I'd be getting my ducks in a row - make sure you are going to be financially stable if/when you split. I honestly think he will leave at some point so make sure you're prepared.

GabriellaMontez · 26/06/2025 08:09

Totally disrespectful of you.

What's your situation? Could you easily leave or split?

Id be asking him to have a think, about how he wants things to be going forward. If he wants to continue to prioritise claire, then he should start thinking about going separate ways and all that will entail.

Echolalialia · 26/06/2025 08:11

Either an affair has begun or he’s very focused on making it happen. It’s obvious he wants to - he’s distancing himself from you and getting very close with her.

Sorry OP. Get angry and say how predictable and obvious he’s being and it’s not ok. If he wants to go he can fuck off out of the house.

Start thinking about what life could look like without him.

Didimum · 26/06/2025 08:18

He’s got one foot out the door and using his ‘I need space’ as an excuse not to come to the table in your marriage.

Sorry, you don’t get that sort of space in a marriage. It’s not legitimate.

Nor do you get to stonewall your partner’s feelings and deprive the marriage of your attention and dedication while you feed the feelings, ego and social time of another woman.

All bullshit. It’s two card time. 1. Marriage counselling, to which he attends with purpose and dedication, or 2. Divorce solicitor. Let him pick.

Totallyaddictedtoshoes · 26/06/2025 08:29

I’m sorry to say I’ve very recently been in this position. They were having an affair and I got the same old trope of I deleted her messages cos I’ve been talking to her about being unhappy and I don’t know what I want any more, I need time and space to work my head out. Of course he hadn’t mentioned a word to me before I confronted him with suspicions of an affair. He changed his passcode on his phone and told me it was to “test” me as he knew I would try and check it, he told me I was controlling for asking him to step back from contact with her outside of work. After 7 hellish weeks living together after having discovered proof of the affair and how bad it really was, whilst I tried to give him said time and space, him refusing to talk to me about his unhappiness, refusing to try anything to fix it, getting angry at me when I kept catching him out still meeting her and contacting her (he told me dozens of times he had asked her not to because he needed to “work on himself”), he finally moved to a rented house and within 10 days I was dumped by email (after nearly 23 years together) and told he was in a long distance relationship with the OW.
please don’t be me OP, it has utterly destroyed me. I wanted to help him thru what I thought was a mid life crisis (probably is tbh), supported him, said I could work past the affair…. I fought. It was all in vain and the pain I endured due to his manipulation and cruel, selfish choices and behaviour has been so damaging. Your DH has shown he can’t be trusted and he isn’t giving you the respect you deserve. Get as much info together as you can now and please put yourself first, because he won’t.
Look after yourself, it’s a gut wrenching feeling I know.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/06/2025 08:30

Hi OP

This doesn't sound good sorry. It's classic 'the script'. He isn't having a mid life crisis, he is trying to have an affair, if he isn't already. And he is re-writing your relationship history in his head to make it easier to justify.

He also sounds extremely dismissive of your feelings. Disappearing for 5 hours to spend time with a friend that had not been mentioned before, without telling you, is really disrespectful and most people would be upset but his 'it's done now what do you want me to do' is pathetic and shows he has no valid excuse or reason but doesn't actually care how it makes you feel.

When you say he said he 'needed space' to work out what he wants...did he mean in terms of your relationship and to work out if he wants to be with you? If so how long has this been going on? What's he actually doing to work out his feelings (apart from trying it on with someone else to see if he likes them better) - any counselling or anything? In these situations men often leave their wives having while they try out an affair and then get everything in order. Please don't let him treat you with this little respect. I'd check his phone. I'd ask him if he had made a decision yet and if not I'd be telling him its not fair to expect you to love in limbo indefinitely, its clear from the distance and his behaviour that he doesn't really respect you and you think it would be best if he moved out for now. And start getting legal advice and collecting financial info just in case

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/06/2025 08:30

I think fretting about the details of his behaviour is fiddling while Rome burns honestly. He wants out of the marriage, I know you don’t, but unless you’re willing to put up with ever increasing mucking around you might as well be on the front foot and get tthe best deal.

Pull your joint financials, see a solicitor, make a plan, when you’re ready, let him know it’s done.

GintyM · 26/06/2025 08:35

You’re not jealous or insecure — you’re reacting like anyone would when their partner disappears, lies by omission, and then acts like you’re the problem for caring. It’s not about Claire, it’s about the disrespect. No apology, no real explanation, just a shrug and “what do you want to do?” after 30 years together? That’s cold. You’re allowed to be angry. Letting it go is only an option if you want to — not just to keep the peace.