DH wants to put our lives on hold for IVF - AIBU?

[Dazedandconfused6]

DH and I live in a lovely, family-owned rental flat in the city. The low rent lets us save a lot, but it’s too small for a family. For that reason we’ve been house hunting in Surrey for more space while still being close to London.

After years of infertility, we started IVF this year. We’re mid 30s and were told our chances were great, but we’ve since had multiple failed cycles and I’m a poor responder. We will likely need to fund several more.

DH now tells me he wants to pause the house hunt, saying a move would make IVF more stressful (logistically and emotionally), and spending money on a house could limit how many IVF cycles we can fund. His view is we stay in the flat until IVF works (or til we give up), then move.

But I’m struggling. IVF could take years or never work… yet he expects us to put everything on hold indefinitely? I worry we’re freezing our lives for a future that isn’t guaranteed. And if we wait, house prices could rise and leave us with fewer options.

WWYD please - wait and focus solely on IVF, or carry on with life and buy the house?

I would carry on with life if it was me. But then I was never desperate for kids.

If you choose this route and he is desperate for children, be prepared for that to come to a head at some point

How badly do you want children? You are in a time crunch being in yours 30s in regards to fertility so I can understand your husbands POV however a child in a small flat would be hard, and harder to move from if the funds have been depleted. Is there a middle ground? A cheaper home or less of a deposit and a IVF round. You’re thinking worst case scenario these rounds fail, which is understandable and the money will be used up, but it may only take 1/2 rounds you just don’t know. If children is something you truly want right now I’m on your husbands perspective. You have a secure home, regardless of size, to start a family.

I don't think it's "putting your life on hold" if the main reason for the move is because of your hopes for future babies. It's pausing at a crossroads to see what's coming.

While you stay in the flat with low rent, you have flexibility that is valuable.

I can tell you that it can feel heartbreaking to live in a house that was chosen for the sake of a baby who never came (for us it was secondary infertility after we planned for #2 but I then had a series of miscarriages).

Live your life to the full where you are. It is not on hold. When your IVF is successful you will be fine in the flat at first - plan to move when the baby is 18 months old.

If that day sadly never comes, make new plans where you chose where to live without the shadow of might-have-beens hanging over you.

Have you discussed how many rounds you are willing to do? I'm very into stats so worked out odds and number of rounds as well as re-assessing how I and DH felt after rounds.

I didn't want to get sucked into spending a fortune and going through the physical and emotional turmoil without having a point where I'd draw the line. I knew I'd be tempted to 'just try once more'.
I don't think you should put your life on hold but maybe there's a compromise of x more rounds then have a break and focus on moving before seeing how you both feel?

It's hard, both on you and you're relationship so wishing you lots of luck.

If you want kids you need to prioritise them now. If you don’t mind not having them, move in with other things. IVF is a bind and quite gruelling, so you may have. Limit on the number of attempts you are willing to make, after which you move on. And you may need to discuss the what if scenarios around not succeeding. No children / adoption / separation. It sounds like he really wants to be a Dad and may not be able to cope with giving up on that dream just yet.

I agree with this. Moving out to a family oriented place is going to backfire if you don’t get pregnant.

He's right. Stay put. See what happens. You might not need a bigger house. If you do you'll have ages to look.

We went through something similar but slightly different - moved out of London (back to our home town) into a house, tried to start a family and…nothing.

It eventually took us 6 cycles and 7 years to have our DD, and during all that time we said if we’d known what was coming we’d have stayed in London for longer. Better access to clinics for appointments, more stuff to do that isn’t all child/family centred, like-minded colleagues and friends who were still child-free to socialise with.

Back home we were surrounded by all our friends and family constantly having babies while we got left behind.

Not saying this is what will happen to you, but it’s worth thinking about access to clinic appointments, the commute for work and the social environment you’d be going into if you move to a more rural area - ie if you move somewhere that’s full of yummy mummies is it going to make it tough if you still can’t conceive?

Of course, if you feel you’re ready to leave London full stop and long for a house/countryside etc for its own sake then it makes sense to move. Could you do a ‘halfway’ move somewhere not so far out and smaller, so you can still get into London easily? Xx

I tend to agree with him. Sounds like he really really wants children so wants ivf to be the priority and in his kind I guess you guys don’t need a bigger place until you have a child.

IVF is very stressful as is moving house, I would want to avoid doing both at the same time if at all possible. Have you discussed how many cycles you'd be willing to do so you can work that into your budget for a house?

I did put life on hold for IVF because I felt like my life was on hold until it worked or not.

If you do both I would probably try and have a break for the actual moving part so that you're not on hormones then. I was an emotional mess when I was on stims and moving would probably have upset me and then I'd be worried that being so upset would somehow affect the chances of success and got more upset.

This ^ absolutely

@Dazedandconfused6as someone who experienced infertility and IVF I know how stressful and exhausting IVF is. I’m sure you already know that the likelihood of success is usually highest in the first 3 rounds of IVF, which doesn’t mean that further rounds are bound to fail, but does mean the odds shift. Personally I would get on with life as much as possible, don’t let IVF dominate any more than it already does. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

I deliberately arranged a gap between jobs, focused massively diet etc and had x6 failed cycles followed by a miscarriage.
Decided for a last go when clinics reopened in Covid, nightmare busy at work and had to leave at 5am to get to clinic before work. Full expectation failure, older, quoted 4% success. Guess which one worked?

Fertility planning is hugely consuming - can I book this trip, where will I be in any cycle, not wanting to commit to stuff or explain to friends and family why you are being hazy. I would ask where you are personally? Do you need the headspace or are you over putting your life on hold for something that may not happen?

I agree with the pause and the one thing after another. And which house suits you is almost always going to depend on your life, of which the kids question is a major factor, so no point putting that specific cart before the horse in these circumstances.

From my experience I'd put a limit on the number of cycles and reassess once you've got there, wherever you are. I also took big time gaps between cycles to emotionally recover, but that was just what worked for me. Wishing you the best of luck.

Would you still want to move to a bigger family house if you don’t have children? Surely it makes more sense to see if you need a bigger house first?

I'd buy but go for something modest that would enable funding more IVF OR lots of holidays and a fun life depending on what happens in the future. Rather than stretching the budget for a large family home.

I know it's one of those annoying things that people say ("it'll happen when you least expect it...") but if the IVF does work, it'll probably do so at the most inconvenient time so I'd try and take advantage of a bit of sods law!

He sounds sensible and it's more 'wait and see' than putting life on hold. You're still living, in a great spot by the sounds of it. Doesn't make sense to live that yet and buy a family home not knowing if the family will happen, that could make the house feel like a mistake and reminder of a sad thing, rather than waiting and buying the right place, hopefully for a family but who knows at this point. IVF alone is enough reason to stay put without the stress of moving and with a more affordable rent. The housing market is unpredictable and not a reason to buy right now if you've already waited this long.

This

I funded 5 private ivf cycles to get my one and only ever bfp. Mini blondes is now 8

i was in a3 bed hiuse so no issues

but had friends similar to you

In a flat. Wanted kids. They ended up buying a 4 bed house , hoping for 2 kids and spare bedroom

she never fell lreg ans gave up at 4 cycles

perownllg I would have carried on. I get it hard having myself 4 failed but if this cutie failed we would have tried no 6

she now in a huge house rattling with empty rooms that was meant to to be filled with kids and laughter and isn’t

yes we all hope ivf works. Often it doesn’t

stay in flat. Save money. Keep doing cycles. If need be move if preg or move into an adult house if don’t

good luck

Thanks for this, you’ve made some really good points. While the areas we are looking all have great links into London, they are definitely family oriented areas where we’d be surrounded by families and would potentially feel isolated if we weren’t going to be successful in having children.

I also think your DH is right. Focus onthe IVF whilst you have the financial flexibility. Moving house can be very stressful... why put yourself through more stress... Maybe postpone it for a year and then take a view.

It's not really putting your lives on hold.. you'd be working on your IVF and moving forward with that.

Wishing you all the best, with whatever you decide

I’d stay in the flat too, it sounds like you are only moving if you have children. I’d reassess in a couple of years I think.

Would the area you’d move to be different if you don’t end up having children? If yes, then wait to move as you don’t know what will happen. If you’d move there regardless then that’s different.

Re whether we’d move regardless, we both feel we’re probably ready to move out of London but the whole move to Surrey has been with having children in mind. If we weren’t to have them, it’s fair to say our minds may change slightly on exact location (for example, because school catchment wouldn’t be a concern, and we’d likely be happy in a house with less bedrooms)

I think its sensible to stay put to be honest, for the time being. Keep things settled and affordable, and then see what happens. Moving house is such a massive ballache and I think if its avoidable then I wouldn't try and do IVF around the same time. Two of life's most stressful events right there.

I had IVF in our small terraced house with no garden, but I had plenty of money as life was cheap. I had my friends around me, I lived not too far from the clinic. It was good. I was very lucky and it worked first time on the NHS funded cycle and we moved house into a more family friendly home when DD was 3. I probably would have stayed in that house had I not become pregnant - it was a good little house that suited me fine and I had plenty of disposable income to live a fulfilling life.