DH wants to put our lives on hold for IVF - AIBU?

[Dazedandconfused6]

DH and I live in a lovely, family-owned rental flat in the city. The low rent lets us save a lot, but it’s too small for a family. For that reason we’ve been house hunting in Surrey for more space while still being close to London.

After years of infertility, we started IVF this year. We’re mid 30s and were told our chances were great, but we’ve since had multiple failed cycles and I’m a poor responder. We will likely need to fund several more.

DH now tells me he wants to pause the house hunt, saying a move would make IVF more stressful (logistically and emotionally), and spending money on a house could limit how many IVF cycles we can fund. His view is we stay in the flat until IVF works (or til we give up), then move.

But I’m struggling. IVF could take years or never work… yet he expects us to put everything on hold indefinitely? I worry we’re freezing our lives for a future that isn’t guaranteed. And if we wait, house prices could rise and leave us with fewer options.

WWYD please - wait and focus solely on IVF, or carry on with life and buy the house?

I would prioritise IVF both in terms of time and money. New houses and towns will be there your whole life. If you don't have a child you may make different decisions anyway. You have a limited window of time to conceive.

I say this as someone who had 7 rounds of IVF.

This. What is the point of moving if you don't know what sort of move you are making? Just stay where you are for now.

IVF is such a slog. Wishing you all the best with it. I personally needed to make my life as stress free as possible while we were going through it . There were so many decisions to make about IVF that I don't think I could have trusted my judgement to make decisions about something as huge as buying a house.
We set a limit of 2 self funded egg collections (hate that term still) after our 1 NHS try before we would reassess what to do next.

We had three rounds of IVF and did move from a city centre flat to a house in the suburbs while going through infertility. It was a bit different in that I didn’t like the area the flat was in (I had moved in with my husband) and we were both fed up of living in a small and very hot flat with no outside space during Covid so we wanted to move regardless of how the IVF turned out.

We chose a house that was well below our maximum possible budget and took an offset mortgage to keep funds available for further treatment if needed. Things worked out well for us in that the IVF was eventually successful - personally I’m glad we decided to move when we did, but only because I didn’t like where we lived previously. Though, if I’d had a crystal ball to know the IVF would work I wouldn’t have chosen the house we live in now so from that point of view I think it would’ve been better to have waited until either the IVF worked or we decided not to pursue further treatment before choosing a house.

I think if you are otherwise happy there’s a lot to be said for staying where you are; good access to and choice of clinics, ability to save money for treatment and flexibility to choose a suitable next home once you know what your future is likely to look like. Good luck with your treatment

Thanks so much everyone, it’s really put things into perspective for me about the benefits of staying put for now. So glad I asked!

I would wait to be honest. It’s really hard when you feel your life is on hold but unless you would make the exact same decision on where to live and what size house regardless of kids it’s not worth it in the long run. We did the opposite - bought a small 1 bed flat in London when prices were high as I thought they would just keep getting higher - we knew we needed to do IVF and were told the chance of success at my age and with my egg reserves was less than 10%. I was impatient to buy, loved the flat and decided in my mind and based on what the doctors said that kids were unlikely but if we did end up having a baby we’d sell again down the line. Turned out IVF worked on the first cycle and we had to sell the flat less than two years after buying, losing a lot of money on stamp duty in the process. Should have just been patient and kept renting. Good luck with your IVF btw, fingers crossed it works in the end!

Don’t underestimate the effects of stress and unhappiness on the success of IVF. Whilst house moving is stressful, there will be more stress for you in feeling stuck in a flat, or that you “must” get pregnant in order to be allowed to progress your life.

Id move if that’s what you want to do. There are expensive areas of Surrey and cheaper areas. Compromise on this, not moving altogether

Then you should stay where you are until you know if IVF works or not.

So many troopers on this thread. I’m going onto my 5th and final IVF cycle soon.
op, I was in the same boat as you. I decided to move though because I also felt like I was keeping my life on hold. It’s a tough one and I may regret moving, it felt right for me at the time though.

Wishing you all the best for your 5th round - I hope you get a positive outcome 🤞🏼