Looking for some advice – feeling lost and unsure what to do next.

[PinkPanther80]

I’ve lived in my home for 18 years and have two teenage daughters of my own. Around three years ago, I met my partner and we’ve been building a life together since. He has a 13-year-old daughter who doesn’t live with us but has a room here that I decorated to make her feel welcome when she stays over.
To be honest, it’s been really tough. She can be very challenging – regularly breaking house rules, not coming in on time, swearing at her dad, and generally refusing to engage. I’ve tried to let her dad deal with things to avoid conflict, but I’ve stepped in a couple of times when it crossed the line, especially when she’s been verbally aggressive.
She also has a difficult relationship with her mum and has often called her dad to collect her after arguments at home. We’ve tried to be supportive and have included her in holidays and family life, but it's been incredibly draining. She often refuses to get out of bed, joins in with nothing, and sulks or creates tension if plans aren’t exactly what she wants.
The final straw for me came in March. She came home late again, and after being told off and having her phone taken as a consequence, she left the next day — but not before causing serious damage to the room. She stabbed holes in the walls with a pen, ripped bedding, and damaged plaster. I was honestly devastated. This is my home, and I work hard to keep it nice. I felt so hurt and disrespected.
She denied everything at first and then just said she wouldn’t come back. My partner did try to speak to her — he told her he wanted to see her but that her behaviour needed to change. She didn’t reply. Since then, there’s been complete silence.
Her birthday is coming up soon and he plans to text her. She didn’t reach out for his birthday or Father’s Day.
I’m really torn — I don’t know what to hope for. I feel stuck between wanting things to be okay and fearing what it would be like if she came back and nothing has changed. I feel sick with the uncertainty. I’ve tried to be kind and patient, but I don’t know how to protect my home and my own children from being dragged into this tension. It’s got to the stage I don’t think I want her in my home again..
Has anyone been through anything similar? I’d be grateful for any advice or perspective.

I think this is so tough, and I've been there. My step-daughter moved out after we'd cleaned up her room one day, after asking her for weeks, and when the smell got too much. Sometimes I think these 'moving out' incidents are really just a symptom of a wider cry for help at the dynamic that just isn't working.

I don't think there is much you can do - it's entirely up to her father to manage this. You sound like you are doing all the right things.

Was she always challenging from the get go? What is her relationship like with her mum?

She's 13 years old. If you don't want her back in your house you may need to re-think relationship with her Dad.

This is it & she doesn’t live with us but we do include her in everything. Thank you

Yes & no! I think she rarely had rules when at her Dads before he met me so it’s probably a change for her, and her Mum & Dad don’t speak at all, there’s is a lot of venom. Dad now has Mum blocked no contact as she was abusive. She either really loves her mum or is falling out with her, no in between. I think ultimately it’s based around if her mum agrees to everything she says or not 😢

That’s what I’m thinking. Or do I just need to grow up and forgive her? I think it’s the lack of apology & the feeling of disrespect I’m struggling with

Letting someone trash your home like this with zero consequences isn't "growing up" it's being a pushover. You need to stand firm. She's pushing boundaries.

It sounds to me like her life was upended and everything she thought was stable proved not to be. At this age, she'll be pushing boundaries for independence as most kids do. However, this, combined with a self-defence mechanism that she's developed of trying to get everything on her terms means that she's probably a bit of a nightmare at the moment.

Either that, or i'm projecting - looking back on my childhood.

My gut feeling is that she's hurting inside very deeply.

Can you let me know how you think I should stand firm? He’s reaching out to her for her birthday as he’s really missing her obviously - there’s an element of me that thinks she’s going to get away with this & I don’t think I can do that but then I’m conscious we are due to get married & it’s his daughter. Had my daughters done this to their stepmums home (which they wouldn’t) I’d have dragged them round to apologise and fix any damage but we haven’t even had an acknowledgment let alone an apology.

How difficult and stressful for all of you. It seems that this is a traumatised child that needs therapy. If you can hang in there she may grow to appreciate you as the stabilising influence in her life but you all need to be trauma-informed.

This is what I was thinking. Her mum's attitude has affected her and she sounds disturbed. There's no easy solution but I would think that she needs counselling.

I’d be prioritising my own DC. I’m sure they feel like their boundaries are being trodden on by your partner and his DD.

I would suggest he moves back out, try to rebuild his relationship with his DD who is clearly having a very difficult time being thrown around by all the changes.

She needs stability as do your DDs.

You mean your partner hasn’t contacted his own daughter since March?

Personally, I wouldn't let her stay in my home until she apologised for wrecking the room like that. I'd talk about it with my DP in advance but I'd expect my DP to be on side over this. She needs boundaries and to know lines have been crossed, and instead it comes across like her dad is just so desperate for attention from her that even though he tried to set boundaries, he's now willing to chase after her instead of being a parent to her.

I think you could be right with this and as we don’t have the support of her Mum I think we struggle to be able to positively influence her

Thank you, I feel so much better for the support from this group already

And this is the hard thing as we could not have an adult conversation with her Mum about it. Her Mum hasn’t encouraged an apology etc.

And this is what I thought I need to prioritise my own children but also if I’m going to be his wife I need to support him & her too! I just feel a little selfish saying this and he has been supportive and tried to show her this behaviour is wrong but it all seems to have gone worse since ss they arent in contact.

Sounds like both her parents have failed her miserably - including her father

Yes just once to say he did want to see her but that they needed to talk about what happened: she didn’t reply and he has since been in hospital with an injury so I’m also worried about his mental health as his head seems to be in the sand over it all.

That is what I have said and to be honest he’s been on my side over it but I think he does worry what the future looks like. She’s also posted on line about her Dad being the s!!test Dad ever so it looks like she doesn’t think she’s done wrong, my fear is he’s letting his heart rule his head so whilst I bet she’s his daughter and of course he must reach out to say happy birthday and try to sort it I can’t help but think she’ll see this as an opportunity to think she’s gotten away with it: don’t you think he should continue to reach out?

I’m not going to disagree with you: I think we are now dealing with 13 years of a child having never been told no.

What a horrible dilemma for you OP. To me your SD probably needs some help due to the split between her parents which sounds acrimonious. If you decide to stay with your partner I'd say he has to handle the relationship and you have to tell him there has to be some ground rules: no wrecking things, civility, she needs to go to some therapy. However, I do think you potentially have years of this.

Do you really want to stay with your partner and his daughter (because they come as a package)? I would say there is no shame in saying it's too much too handle, you can see it going on for years and you don't want the constant drama from her. You have my full sympathy though, it's very difficult because you try to be supportive but are constantly kicked back, meanwhile her dad seems to sit back and bit quite passive.

I think you should call off the wedding for now, tell partner he needs to move out and find a place where he can have his daughter and start to parent her properly just the two of them.

It's not fair on her or your kids to be combining homes at this point in time, especially with her so volatile. She needs stability and a place to call her own. So do your kids. The reality is she is never going to feel like her room at your house is truly her home. My mother moved us in to her partners place when I was a similar age and although he was perfectly nice and we were allowed to decorate our rooms, it never felt like we belonged there.

If he really loves you and his daughter he'd agree to this. It doesn't mean your relationships has to end, if you both work at it. Lots of people have long term relationships without living together and blending families. Once she's older or has left home for uni or to houseshare then if the relationships is still strong then you & he can marry and find a home together.

Thank you for this I honestly feel so much better as my friends are obviously telling me to think of myself and I was worried about what other people would think so it’s good to have this support. It’s worth noting too that mum & dad have been split for around 8 years but they just can’t get on. Mum just bullies Dad telling him when he was having her which days etc so it didn’t go down well when we got together and put a routine in place. It’s such a mess. I get on great with my ex & his wife I don’t know why this can’t be the same.

They do come as a package hence my quandary. Our wedding is next year and I do want to stay with him but I don’t want him to be unhappy with the constant drama from his ex & daughter. I just know this will continue & he is passive he’s anything for an easy life but sadly this is why he is where he is in this situation:.