Looking for some advice – feeling lost and unsure what to do next.

[PinkPanther80]

I’ve lived in my home for 18 years and have two teenage daughters of my own. Around three years ago, I met my partner and we’ve been building a life together since. He has a 13-year-old daughter who doesn’t live with us but has a room here that I decorated to make her feel welcome when she stays over.
To be honest, it’s been really tough. She can be very challenging – regularly breaking house rules, not coming in on time, swearing at her dad, and generally refusing to engage. I’ve tried to let her dad deal with things to avoid conflict, but I’ve stepped in a couple of times when it crossed the line, especially when she’s been verbally aggressive.
She also has a difficult relationship with her mum and has often called her dad to collect her after arguments at home. We’ve tried to be supportive and have included her in holidays and family life, but it's been incredibly draining. She often refuses to get out of bed, joins in with nothing, and sulks or creates tension if plans aren’t exactly what she wants.
The final straw for me came in March. She came home late again, and after being told off and having her phone taken as a consequence, she left the next day — but not before causing serious damage to the room. She stabbed holes in the walls with a pen, ripped bedding, and damaged plaster. I was honestly devastated. This is my home, and I work hard to keep it nice. I felt so hurt and disrespected.
She denied everything at first and then just said she wouldn’t come back. My partner did try to speak to her — he told her he wanted to see her but that her behaviour needed to change. She didn’t reply. Since then, there’s been complete silence.
Her birthday is coming up soon and he plans to text her. She didn’t reach out for his birthday or Father’s Day.
I’m really torn — I don’t know what to hope for. I feel stuck between wanting things to be okay and fearing what it would be like if she came back and nothing has changed. I feel sick with the uncertainty. I’ve tried to be kind and patient, but I don’t know how to protect my home and my own children from being dragged into this tension. It’s got to the stage I don’t think I want her in my home again..
Has anyone been through anything similar? I’d be grateful for any advice or perspective.

I think standing firm at this stage of her life is to not live together with her dad. I can't stand having someone here trashing my home. You can continue the relationship and it'll be better for your mental health if you aren't her stepmum.

Does this mean that she wins though and gets to do what she wants when she wants? I think he would be likely to say he didn’t want to move out. I also actually don’t think he could afford to live alone (not that this is a reason for him not to move out!). The sad thing is we get along so well and he’s also great with my kids. My girls would be devastated if he moved out, they are also really hurt by how his daughter has treated the home & also him since it happened. This step parenting is tough!!!

You are apparently drifting into marriage with a weak, inadequate parent in the same way that you drifted into living with a weak, inadequate parent.

You seem completely fine with the fact that he’s ‘punished’ his daughter by withdrawing contact since March — trashing her room suggests huge distress, hardly surprisingly, if her resident parent is problematic, and her non-resident parent just stops parenting her for months at a time. She’s not your child, obviously, so this is not your parenting problem, but I can’t see how you think this is going to resolve itself. You seem to be blaming the child’s mother for not frogmarching her over to apologise, and the child herself, but not your partner.

This kind of extreme behaviour in a 13 year old needs more parenting, good, loving, boundaried parenting with structure and consequences, not less!

You have teenagers yourself, OP. Can you imagine a situation in which you simply don’t get in contact with them for several months? And yet you’re contemplating marrying someone who is fine with that?

Thank you for your perspective. This is why a group like this is great for the differing opinions. It doesn’t sit right with me at all hence my post here. I’m not fine with it which is why I don’t know what to do. If my children hadn’t spoken to their Dad since March I wouldn’t be happy at all but then again as a Mum I’d try to get to the root cause of the problem and try to work with Dad. I just feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall with it. It’s also worth noting this hasn’t ever happened with Dad before in terms of him not seeing her - we had her weekly; a couple of times a week and holidays both abroad & in the UK and this has been constant since he split from Mum 4 years before he met me. Dad isn’t fine with this he’s really not, but as he can’t have a conversation with Mum about structured boundaried parenting which we’ve tried to implement, it’s ended up with us in a worse position than we started.

Where’s the dads boundaries when he’s had two live in partners in such a short space of time in his child’s life?

I can’t really comment on what’s happened before he met me, I just want to try & make everyone happy again.

I'm not sure what you are thinking ,that he shouldn't contact her? That would be outrageous . Based on this I don't think you should be together as it sounds like his daughters needs don't work with your family. He is ineffectual and shouldn't just be able to move on with another family while he can't sort things out with his own daughter. I'm afraid she should be part of the package if you want to be with him.

I agree with some of PP that the DD needs compassion and support - if she hasn't had boundaries from either parent that will be hard to implement now, but it needs to be tried. I also agree it might be wise to postpone the wedding and for him to move out and focus on his relationship with his DD.

I think you should give up on looking for an apology. She will know deep down that damaging property is not ok, that how she behaved was wrong. But she will be too young, naturally self-centred as all teens are, and unable to see the bigger picture yet and will thus only be able to see justification for her behaviour. Forcing an apology doesn't make a genuine apology or teach the person apologising a lesson. It further fuels their resentment.

I have a DD who exhibits v difficult behaviour. She knows it's wrong and would be the first to point it out in others. But I have long ago given up looking for apologies because I know she knows right from wrong but I also know that in the moment she just can't stop herself because she's overwhelmed. It is very hard to hold boundaries with her and sometimes we have to adjust and temporarily drop a boundary or just not have one for something most parents would. But we make that cost benefit decision, sometimes in the moment, based on the information we have. And sometimes she apologises spontaneously. Particularly when we succeed in not escalating things in the moment and not immediately jumping to 'punishment' after an incident.
Compassion can go a long way - for both you and for your step DD. It sounds like you care and want the best for her but understandably don't want your own children to be impacted.

I wish you luck, it's a tough situation, but try not to see her as the enemy or the perpetrator, but as a young person in need of compassion and support.

It must be extremely hard to have your home destroyed like that, i get that.
I have a very difficult teenager girl, I have shed many tears over her. You seem obsessed with an apology and her facing consequences. You have not mentioned his child's perspective and seem very content he's not contacted his daughter in 4 months. He's moved in with a woman with 2 kids and has a volatile relationship with her mum. Can you not understand that this child is in pain?
We had to have ss involved, it got so bad. The best thing that happened was a meeting with a child psychologist who made us relearn how we thought about her daughter. Every bad action she showed us how much in distress she was and crying out for help. As parents, that's our job. Our relationship has thrived.
Dad needs to move out and work on his relationship with his daughter, not his woman and her 2 kids. He needs to step up. Show some empathy to this child who is screaming for an adult to put her first and help her. Put her first, whether that means stepping away from your relationship.

It’s not great she trashed your home but these things can be fixed. She’s probably just an angry teenager and takes her anger out on him. I definitely wouldn’t be marrying him next year. Imagine if she left her mum to move in permanently with you how would your relationship be then? He needs to make her a priority if that means moving out he should you can still be in a relationship where he spends his free time with you and your dc. Even if she apologised it doesn’t mean she won’t do it again. Your kids are going to end up resenting you if things get worse. She might actually behave better when it’s just her and him she won’t be thinking of his happiness she’s thinking of hers at this age. You can always get married when she’s an adult surely there is no rush.