To feel fed up with the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice?

[MyBusyTurtle]

FTM here. My baby slept 6+ hrs at night early on, but rarely napped during the day. Every time another parent asked how I was and if DC sleeps I mentioned it and said it was challenging. Then I'd get a reply somewhere along the lines of “oh wow, well mine still don't sleep through the night" or “ugh I hate you” (half-joking, but still).
Meanwhile, the lack of naps mean I'm struggling to eat and do anything, or even rest — because surprise, I don't just start immediately sleeping when he has his night sleep!
But their advice always? “Sleep when the baby sleeps”… except I just told them he doesn't sleep...
Now at 4 months, he still doesn’t nap unless rocked for an hour+ and now wakes through the night. He also started hating being in the bouncer or baby carrier and just wants to be attached at the hip. Bet they’d be thrilled to hear that 🙃

Anyway. Mostly just wanted to vent, I know it's a grass is greener sort of situation. But if anyone has tips on how to get my 4 month old to nap during the day please share 🫣 I sing, play, rock, walk, read, try to do wake windows and it's just a massive battle each time that I usually lose

You have my sympathy. It's not an easy time. The only thing that worked with my sons was a car ride. They would conk right out. Sending hugs 🫂 💐 🙏 ❤️

Mine liked a quick walk in the pram then when asleep I wheeled him into kitchen amd sat near washing machine. No idea why but it worked. Have snack/tea ready so you dont need to use the kitchen and risk waking baby.

Also when it was hard I would go to bed at 9pm, dh would do a feed at 11pm then baby would wake a few hours later so at least I had a chunk of sleep by then. On weekends we took turns for a long lie. Might not be practical if breast feeding but mentioning in case it could work.

My first DS was like this, it was really hard at first, he would only nap for 30 minutes max a couple of times during the day, evenings were a nightmare, forever thankful for my late MIL who came over most evenings just to give me and DH a break. By about 5 months old, he seemed to really like going out in the pushchair, so I would literally go out 3 times a day, not a lot of housework got done and dinner was usually something simple, I did rest and eat whilst he was feeding, I think I got a proper 7 hours sleep when he was around 10 months old. I admit it put us off having another DC and DS2 came when DS1 was nearly 4, he was a complete opposite, loved to sleep, would sleep all afternoon and still go to sleep at 8 pm. OP you have my sympathies.

Yanbu.

I have a childless aunt who wanted to know what interesting new hobbies I was taking up, and what creativity and art I was including in my life, since I had all this lovely free time for maternity leave.

I explained that on a good day I might have perhaps 15 minutes where I wasn't directly tending to my non-sleeping-baby's needs.

She responded that 15 minutes should be plenty of time to make a bit of daily progress on a creative project of some kind.

I was too flabbergasted to explain that this 15 minutes was my availabile time for such trivialities as going to the loo, brushing my hair, stuffing a sandwich into my mouth etc, and it wasn't a 15 minute block but perhaps 8-10 opportunities of 90 seconds to 2 minutes.

She still reckons I wasted a golden opportunity. I still kick myself for being too inarticulate with incomprehension of her ignorance that I didn't do anything to help educate her.

Clean when the baby cleans, cook when the baby cooks etc. Stupid advice.

Car rides, pram adventures and also setting up a safe playpen type area where your baby can make fussy noises and roll about (not entirely always super happy) while you catch up on chores etc so that you are more likely to have time to go to bed earlier later on.
A baby sitter to walk baby around the block and to the park.
A friend swore by a mechanical musical rocker.
Join a local playgroup to make a nearby net work of support.

Yanbu. I was too wired and stressed to do that. I needed to eat and do the bare minimum of laundry and tidying in peace.

It’s daft advice. My youngest would only nap when taken for a walk in the pram. I will say though don’t completely neglect your own needs- no harm will come from 5 minutes of whinging whilst you eat a sandwich.

I used to take mine for a drive to get him to fall asleep in the car, then carry him indoors and lay him down. Or go for a walk and then he'd sleep in the pram. Then I'd park him in the hallway still in the pram and leave him sleeping for a bit so I could have my hands free at home. He was not able to nap in the day otherwise, he needed movement to go to sleep. We used to time going out to places so that he'd get a nap in the car also.

Interestingly as he grew up it emerged that he's autistic and very sensory seeking so I feel a bit vindicated now that he needed the rocking/driving/walking in the pram. Family were incensed that I couldn't just put him down and leave him to nap.

Okay a follow up question about naps during car rides and pram walks.

DC starts crying once his car seat is in the car and gets so upset when driving. Like red in the face, silent wind up before the wail sort of upset. We sing and verbally console him, even hold his hand if I happen to be sitting in the back, and nothing really settles him. He just seems to tired himself out after 15 minutes and drops off. Only know this because we mostly have to take the freeway to get anywhere and we can't pull over to check him.

For pram walks, he starts off fine then the same sort of crying begins, usually a block from home. Sometimes he drops of to sleep if I keep walking but sometimes he doesn't. It makes me feel horrible if I keep walking just to see if he'll sleep.

Is this normal? If we try to rock him to sleep, he also gets really upset, but it seems more like he's throwing a tantrum before finally settling and going all goo-y and cute

This will be my new reply 😂 thank you for the laugh

Thank you for all the advice, it makes me feel way more sane.

Mine would only sleep in the day when in the Baby Bjorn and with me vacuuming....so not really sustainable! The sleep when the baby sleeps advice used to piss me off too - I bloody wish!

It can be so hard - don't doubt yourself. Most people are well meaning in their advice - its just that every baby is different!

And ultimately, it will not hurt your baby if he cries in a safe place for a short while. So do grab a quick shower. Strap them safely into their bouncy chair or similar, put in the bathroom so they can see/hear you, and have your shower. Singing loudly to either distract your little one or to drown out their crying!

Ditto eating. They will be fine in a safe place for 10 mins while you make a sandwich, even if they are mithering.

Sleeping - it will improve, but that is meaningless right now I'm sorry!

I hate the phrase "happy mother happy child", but it is important to ensure your well being. Make sure you are eating and showering, even if sleep is a distant memory.

It all sounds very normal. You need to lower your expectations and just focus on getting through. I never managed to nap in the day unless someone else like my mum was holding the baby!

@MyBusyTurtle you might find this product helpful - it didn't exist when my baby was little but when I read about it I wished I'd had it for those times that the baby will only sleep if the pram is being trundled along

It's daft advice. Once I am up I am up. If the baby has several naps or just falls asleep, I can't just drop everything go and change and go to bed. I wouldn't feel rested anyway. I'm not a cat. It takes a while to wind down to sleep and I can't do that multiple times a day for the sake of 20 mins.

However these women who claim they 'don't have time' to shower, eat or poo are ridiculous. You put the baby in a safe place, and get on with it. If it cries, it cries, it won't die.

I think for some people they do need that sort of ‘permission’ that it’s okay to sleep in the day. I’ve done it plenty with both kids, but some people get really caught up in having to catch up on housework or do x or y when it would be of greater benefit for everyone if they went to sleep. I had a bad overnight sleeper with DD2 but I quite often would nap when she did in the day and that really helped. I did drop everything (assuming I wasn’t also looking after DD1) and didn’t change clothes or anything!

Obviously won’t work for everyone, but a lot of this advice is broad strokes stuff and you take what you want and leave the rest.

Full agree for always making time for a shower, toilet, and having a cuppa. But this kid turns into a gremlin at the sight of food. I swear he develops athlete level hand-eye coordination when it comes to trying to snatch my sandwich (dodging sandwich snatching >>> hearing crying in bouncer/crib imo).

Not sure if I have read right but if your kid is 4 months old, you can keep him away from you while you eat. He isn't that mobile yet that he can climb up onto furniture and grab your food. Just don't have him on/near you while you eat.

It’s ridiculous advice. Mine would sleep in the car - great, so I can now sleep too. Except I’m the driver…

Theres a different between whingeing and crying. Mine would be very whingy if she needed to sleep, and rocking etc would make her more cross. It was better to keep walking with the pram through the whinging and she’d then drop off. Depending on house layout, I’d then head home, park the pram on the patio, make a cup of tea (kitchen looked out onto patio) and have a sit down.

Try to do as many chores whilst they’re awake as possible, as it then gives more downtime if/when they do nap. I used to put the baby bouncer next to the dishwasher and narrate emptying it (whilst feeling like a right idiot!). They can hold things like a plastic sieve or wooden spoon and wave it around.

They won’t self-destruct if you put them down to have a shower, go to the loo or eat. I used to make sure mine was fed and had a clean nappy, then go in the shower where she could see me. Once she could sit up ok herself, I’d stick her on the floor of the shower whilst I showered and she’d mess around with the flowing water whilst I got washed.

I used to hate this advice too as my first would only sleep on me, which means I can’t sleep as I can’t put them down. My second would only sleep whilst moving in a pram or car, as soon as I stopped they woke up. So again, I can’t sleep.

I took cosleeping naps with my baby 2/3 days (any more and it would interfere with night sleep).

He definitely slept better if I was genuinely asleep too, like he took cues from my slower heart rate and breathing maybe.

And I DEFINITELY didn't use naps for chores! They were for mindless scrolling etc.

For showering/eating/chores, I'd do it with him in a sling or a bouncer with fairy lights or a bumbo chair up high where he could see me.

I still don't use naps for chores, he can help me, or sit on the sofa with a snack and some music whilst he's awake - or hinder/help.

The under 2s are not a time for immaculate housekeeping.

Cry when the baby cries, as the title of a recent graphic novel has it.

But he's so cute 🥺🥺

Honestly, I find eating more relaxing to have him sitting on my lap rather than having him cry elsewhere. I don't even want to think about what he'll try to get up to when he's mobile 😂

Contact naps only over here as baby would never ever accept being transferred into a cot/crib/Moses etc.

This means that since DD was born nearly a year ago, I have never had a nap!

Drive when the baby drives!