To ask if you've thrown one of your teenagers out? How did it turn out?

[SpanThatWorld]

I had a torrid time with one of my kids. Disrespect, crossing of every boundary we set, excluded from school, drugs, criminal behaviour.

People said, "I'd throw him out." But there was nowhere for a 16 year old to go.

I was reminded of this this morning with another thread asking for help and everyone queuing up to say that they'd tell their teen to leave. But none who had actually done it.

So... did you tell your troubled teen to leave home? What happened next? How are things now?

A friend of mine got chucked out by her parents at 18. They were very religious and she didn't want to obey the rules. IIRC she had her A-levels - got into university - I think at one point she lived in a commune.
She ended up with a doctorate specialising in speech therapy/other forms of communication for very disabled people.

It's near on impossible to throw them out unless you don't care that they end up on the street or another equally precarious situation.

Gone are the days of cheap accommodation they can afford. I was asked to leave my parents at 18, it was fine I moved into a bedsit. Now I would struggle to pay for that if me and dh split and I have an alright job.

I forced my eldest to leave after she began to physically abuse her much younger siblings Prior fo this she abused me for years. Noone ever talks about this dynamic. I felt as though I was living with an abusive partner thst I could not ask to leave/leave.
She was suffering from mental heslth issues but I had to protect the other children.
She went to live with family members.
I continued to see her and went with her to her weekly CAMHS sessions.
6 years later and she will graduate with a first class honours degree in two weeks. She came home in her last year of sixth form. Things weren't great but they were a hell of a lot better than before. No aggressive behaviour, violence or threats.
Since she went to university she has grown up, reflected honestly on the past and apologised for her prior actions. I told her I'd already forgiven her years ago.
She is self aware and takes responsibility for her actions.
Our relationship is great and I am thankful every day that we are in the place we are today.
I don't think.anyone understands this type of situation unless they've lived the nightmare of walking on eggshells around your child and hiding upstairs in a barricaded room with two little ones pretending we are having a disco to drow out the screaming., shouting and smashing noises.
I made a choice in a very difficult situation and I was judged harshly by some.
I was/am a single parent and I believe this wouldnt have got to the point it did if I'd had another adult in.the house.

Dp's parents went the other way and moved out leaving him to run a house and pay bills at 16 whilst looking after his

13 year old brother. He doesn't speak to them now.

I was thrown out at 18 and I went though a lot of bad stuff as I had lived a sheltered life and I wasn’t ready for the big bad world.

On the plus side I did grow up and learned to manage my finances.

I harbour a lot of hatred towards my parents and brother for doing this, especially as my brother was able to live at home rent free until he was 30 and buy multiple properties.

Now that I am a parent myself I just can’t imagine doing this to any of my children as I know the bad feeling that comes with it and I never want them to experience what I did.

Best of luck to you xx

People always say that, chciken them out I wouldn’t stand for it
equivalent to LTB

but if you don’t want them to go fur th er adrift into drugs debt maybe even sex work
I really think that has to be a last resort

@House0fBamboo What? 😱 Did they get reported? Surely even decades ago leaving a 13-year-old would’ve been considered abandonment.

@Wouldthisbotheryoutoo I agree , it has to be a last resort.
However, these situations don't always have a drug, debt and/or sex work angle.
I'd be interested to hear your opinion re what happened in my family in my post above.
It's not black and white. Allowing a teenager who is physically and mentally abusive to other siblings ro remain in the family home could likely be seen by social services as 'failure to protect.' An abusive presence in the home is not acceptable regardless of gender, sex and age.

A friend kicked her 16 year old son out as he was taking drugs, dealers coming round etc and it was unsafe for his younger siblings. She was divorced and was able, with some difficulty, to persuade his Dad to take him in. Her plan if that hadn't worked was to send him to stay with his grandparents, who lived in a village, so away from his friends and dealer.

His Dad was a very laissez faire parent, so he probably kept up his bad habits there, but is doing some bar work, so he has some structure.

Another friend paid her 18 year old daughter's rent in a house share while she was in college near their home, to avoid the constant rows at home. The daughter was motivated to continue in college so her mum would keep paying her rent. It worked out OK in the end, and they have a reasonable relationship, and the daughter is close to her younger siblings.

If a kid is just 16, I think family is the main
option. If there is violence against parents or siblings, then I think it should be possible to get social services to house them, though it'll be a major fight to get them to take responsibility, but if a young person is homeless, they do have a duty of care

What did her Dad do during this?

I am wondering the same thing op. We have 19 year old DS who has crossed every boundary there is apart from violence towards us. We're exhausted and just don't know how to continue. Can't afford to pay for a room for him and have a feeling that he would end up on the streets if we chucked him out.

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 Unfortunately he is deceased but you have missed the point of my post.

I was thrown out at 16 by my step dad, its a long complex story but my mum couldnt do anything to stop it. I ended up in a hostel for 16-24 year olds, introduced to the world of hard core intravenous drugs and casual sex, a world i was completely sheltered from before in my middle class, financially stable, big house family environment i grew up in. i had to drop out of my a levels as attending was impossible. I ended up pregnant before i was 18 with a man who would beat me on a daily basis. I all but lost contact with my sisters for years. My life was chaotic until my mid-20s. I turned it around early 30s getting a degree and a stable career. But now in my 40's ill never own my own home or really have true financial security. I have a good relationship with my mum and sister now, but only because my step dad died and i was able to rebuild it.

I have 3 children now. My eldest is in his 20s. Hes a nightmare 90% of the time. I would never kick him out regardless of how hard he is to live with. As the life long knock on effects are massive. Hes more likely to learn and become successful with guidance. In his mid teens he was aggressive with me, would smash up my house, and steal from me daily. Hes not that bad now, but hes still difficult.

Oh wow, that’s incredible. Wow, you sound like such a great mum, I think my life is hard sometimes! This puts things into perspective.

That sounds like a nightmare that you’ve navigated and somehow emerged with this compassion for your daughter and relationships all intact. I genuinely don’t know how I would have coped in your situation as a lone parent. Very difficult.
Really bravo 👏

How much is a private room in your area? Does he have a job?

Or could he go work somewhere with accommodation included? e.g could you get him into somewhere like PGL or Haven just for the summer to give you all a break? At least he's over 18 on this front (they employ 16 and 17 year olds but won't have them stay)

If you have any younger children who are at risk, if you haven't already you could contact social services. They may assist with supported housing for him. There are places for 16-24 year olds, sometimes run by the organisations like the YMCA but one often needs a referral from social services. You can also go direct to YMCA in some areas so it's probably worth checking out for your area. T

If he was under 18, it would be more straightforward as social services would have a duty of care if he was at threat of homelessness and refer him. Unfortunately, as a PP has pointed out from personal experience of a unit, it could mean they are at risk of exploitation by others. But I think it's best to get them in the system under 18 as there's limited help afterwards.

@partygarden thank you for your very kind words.

My parents wouldn't have my brother back home when he was 19 or 20.

He went to prison for 4 months when he was only just 18, for ABH. They had him back when he was released, but a year or so later, he had an episode of severe mental illness. My DF was working abroad for a few months at a time, so DM was dealing with it pretty much on her own. DB used to get very abusive and threatening to her.

He was sectioned for several months, our parents were approached as part of DB's discharge planning, and they flatly refused to have him back. He was allocated a council flat a few miles away.

They had him back a few years later though. He had another manic episode, blew all his money, ended up back in hospital for months and his flat was repossessed (he'd bought it under "right to buy"). When he was discharged, they let him live with them (DF had retired by this time), but after a couple of years he bought a dirt cheap property 100 or so miles away with what was left of the equity from his flat. Parents died aprox 10 years later.

My uncle was thrown out of home at 17. He has gone on to become phenomenally successful in financial terms, but beset by feelings of inadequacy, rejection & sadness which have dogged his subsequent relationships.

My former boyfriend was thrown out at 14 (to live with his grandmother). He took his own life at 21.

On the basis of this experience, I do not recommend throwing teenagers - or vulnerable young people- out of home, while appreciating how very difficult & distressing they can be.

My stepsons mother chucked him out just before he turned 16. It was for a trivial thing he’s a good kid. Think along the lines of leaving butter out of the fridge. I had gone to pick him up and she was in full swing screaming at him and threw him out. Whether she meant it or not he never went back home permanently and has lived with us for over 2 years. In the meantime she has married her boss and turned what was his room into his office so he couldn’t go home even if he wanted to. She took my fiancé to court for 6 years when he was a baby to stop him seeing him…didn’t work out very well for her. My stepson has flourished, finished high school with various qualifications and is starting college in August. He is happy and settled. He didn’t speak to her for a long time, he has zero respect for her but does visit occasionally. We do encourage him to see her, she is still his Mum but we have nothing to do with her

Yes- his behaviour was becoming a danger to his siblings. He was 17.

We paid for a small flat nearby. He was allowed to bring washing home, and stay for dinner, provided he was respectful.

It’s not a situation I ever thought I’d be in, and it broke my heart.

On the upside, we are 20 years down the line and very close as a family. He became a dad last year, and is wonderful with his son.

We overcame, and I’m proud of him.

I was thrown out at 16, i know a few people that were

I was thrown out at 16 by my dad and stepmum, my mum had died when I was a child. However I was not violent, still in school, didn't do drugs or commit crimes etc. I was a victim of emotional abuse and neglect in the home and my "parents" didn't care for me. I grew up middle class. They did get me a flat although I don't know specifically how the financial side of it worked but I know most of the rent was paid by housing benefit and I received £45 a week in income support (i believe my stepmother probably fiddled with the system to get me these benefits).

I left school at 17 with barely any grades. I did manage to get into uni which I then dropped out of twice. Tried college too but also dropped out of that. Spent time in some student flats shares etc before moving into homeless accommodation around 19. I was very lucky in that I never stayed in a hostel but the council did put me in a b&b for a while before I got a furnished temporary flat. I had a suicide attempt around this time too. I just about kept my head above water, claiming jobseekers allowance, getting jobs in retail or bars which didn't really last long. Got into debt over the years. Dabbled in drugs in my early 20s but nothing too major and managed to not get pregnant (even though at the time I didn't think it was the worst idea).

I'm now 36, in a stable job in finance, married and about to have my first baby. But I carry the trauma every day and have not spoken to my dad or stepmother in years and don't ever plan to.

I had to leave at 17, completely unprepared as I’d had a quite privileged, protected (in some ways) upbringing.
i took drugs, dropped out of college and had a baby at 19.
all good now, but it messed me up for a long time.
in previous jobs I have worked with young people who live in supported accommodation. They are generally awful places, with drugs, violence and lots of mental illness.
i feel that I could never do it to my own children.

Thank you to everyone who shared their difficult situations.

In my case, we live in London so paying for a nearby room wasn't going to happen. Hugely competitive - young people need a job, proof of income and references even to get a room in an HMO. Places with a lower bar for entry are dismal and desperately unsafe.

Family were sympathetic but couldn't risk taking him into their own families. My stepmum had him for 6 months but eventually she had to tell him leave and he swaggered back into our house.

It's been a slow progression. He's now speaking to us without aggression but I still look at him and wonder where my little boy went. My other kids turned out ok. I have no idea what happened with this one. It's broken my heart. I will never be the same. As a PP said, you cannot know the pain until you've lived through it.

The Mumsnet answer to everything is take away their phone, switch off the WiFi and then tell them to move out.

It just doesn't work like that.