Can I have some advice on my relationship with MIL?

[bluebell82]

Hi everyone, I need some advice on my family situation. I have a lot of pent up anger, not sure why I have it and I know I am being unreasonable at times but I am not sure where it is stemming from.

My mil is so over enthusiastic with our dd1, as soon as she sees her she will pick her up- whether asleep or not- and if she cries she will never give her back to me just tries to settle her herself which really upsetsme especialy as up until recently I was breastfeeding and it would make my boobs leak! When I do try and stand my ground she says things 'well if she likes it then thats all that matters' and 'we'll see'.. when I say that we have plans at the weekedn and we can't see her..

We have had a little disagreement about the christening we are holding in July, we are only inviting immediate family and friends which equates to 25 people and before I get shouted down, there is equal people coming on both sides of the family, we are paying for dinner afterwards so therefore can not afford more than £300... she took great pleasure in telling me that the 'family' are very disappointed in ME and that I should not force religion on my dd- she is being christened not ordained!

We have asked sil to be one of the godmothers and in response she said ' we are glad you have asked her as she didn't get to be a bridesmaid!' We got married 3 years ago and I had my two best friends along with 4 of my dh cousins.. its not like I just had my family!

She invites herself round for a cuppa every week 'i'll just pop in for 5 minutes'.. usually it is 3hrs and I usually have to lie that soemone like the health visitor is coming round..

She is vile to her own mil because when she is round she apparently 'doesn't get a look in'.. My child is not ongoing entertainment..

My dh says that she has always said stupid things and that she doesn't intentionally mean to hurt peoples feelings but I tend to disagree, e's tried to have a word with her but he is such a chicken he basically made out that I wasn't coping and thats not the case at all, I just can't cope with the prospect of spending time with her at the moment she really undermines me.

I know I am going to get loads of replies about how lucky I am but seriously I don't feel lucky I could cry

I'd just go ahead and have a hissy fit at her tbh. Tell her to give back your baby or else in a loud and scary voice. Sure she might think you're bonkers but I bet she wont do it again =)

My dh has managed to make my inlaws think that I have a very bad temper and they're worried about upsetting me so they always behave. Works wonders.

i'm lucky my mil couldnt give a toss about us! lol. I use to think we were missing out but after what i've heard about the m i dont think i am. Sorry she's a pain in the a**

Listen this!! wen she cries when I am doing something like changing her burping her etc they tell her that they have 'child lines number'.. I know they are joking but talk about pouring salt on the wounds.. I might try the scarey mental tact though

You are going to have to shout at her I'm afraid. Tell her she's not on. She clearly has a very thick skin so you have to be blunt. Don't let her invite herself round, tell her when she can come. Shout at her when she picks up DD when asleep (either that or call her at midnight when she's in bed and ask if she likes it ). Tell her if she wants more family at the christening she can pay for them, and yes, you want the whole God thing, get over it. Ignore DH and stand up for yourself and DD. She obviously wants to be involved it's just totally misguided. Give her some intsruction and she just may turn out to be a godsend (no pun intended).

hugs your way bluebell.

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with your outlaws

I'm thinking you need to learn to say "let me think about that for a while" when she's coming at you like a torpedo.
Or "I'll check if I'm free / available / and get back to you". so you buy yourself time to figure out what you want, and to set a precedent that you are in charge of your and your DD's day.

About popping around for tea unexpected and uninvited, you could meet her at the door as you are going out to the shops or go and visit a friend or some errand / walk / library visit. Ask her to let you know when she's free to come for tea, as you'd love her to come for a proper visit, and that the weekly popping in, while it's very nice to see her and all, is actually disrupting your routine, and you'd prefer if she didn't just land in on top of you whenever it suited her.

The wedding / christening expectation battles can be tricky for everyone and a total minefield for some - but you sound like you've been very fair about the numbers and lists, so I would NOT worry about stepping on her toes. Sometimes you just have to stop pleasing people and get on with your own life, your own way. It's your life after all.

Bu the sounds of it this is upsetting you, so do take heed of your feelings and ask her to stick to agreed times for visiting.

it sounds like your DH might have given the wrong impression about you to your MIl and perhaps she's just checking up on you to see if you're OK? But you're the boss of you, and if you don't want her popping over etc, then you do have a duty to yourself to say that this casual arrangement that you've fallen into doesn't suit you, and you'd prefer to see her at a negotiated and agreed time that suits both.

Easier said than done? Eh? Don't worry - you'll find the right thing to say.

At the moment I'm reading and loving the book about narcissistic families - it has lots of coping strategies and is a good read. Here's the link to it. Might be worth a gander?

You could "tell your daughter"

"Don't worry sweetheart, I won't interfere like this when you have a baby..."

Oh dear, poor you. Sounds like a classic case of MIL wanting a second chance to be a mum.

When I look at the photos of DS1 as a newborn, there is one of me with him and about twenty of MIL, even sitting on the hospital bed with him as though he's her baby!

I'm lucky with my MIL, though, she's not pushy and does respect me.

Try to be very matter of fact and unemotional (I know it's the last thing you feel like being). If you need the baby for feeding etc just SAY SO, very clearly. Be directive, do not let her invade your space.

I would really advise you against extreme action that would mortally offend her because in a while, particularly if you have another child, she might be EXTREMELY useful to you for childcare.

She's just over-excited about a new baby, it's bringing back her memories of being a new mum.

zazen thank you for your response, just read the back page of the book on amazon, very interesting, my father died of alcoholism 2 years ago and I was his main carer, the book seems very insightful!

I know I have to find my own way with my inlaws its just so draining

Janni that is exactly the same as our photo album- she has never taken a photo of me and dd they are all of her or just of dd on her own, doesn't really bother me though, just feel that it is another little spiteful move on her part, she has got picture of dh and dd all over the house, it feels like something out of the hand that rocks the cradle...

She sounds like an absolute nightmare! Number for childline? Tell her you've got the number for an old folks home and her place is booked!

No really, lighten up. I'm 12 years into parenthood and at the start I felt EXACTLY as you do about the in-laws. they drove me NUTS.

Over the years though, they've really had their uses, which is why I caution against doing something to really offend them. they love the grandchild, they just don't know the boundaries. The childline thing is their idea of a joke (poor, I know). My FIL used to joke that I was Cruella de Vil because I limited sugar/TV.

It is really really hard when it's your first baby and you're trying to find your way around parenthood, but the in-laws will be useful to you when you want a quiet w/end away with your partner and no kids, so keep them onside

Sorry - 'lighten up' was NOT to the OP, but to posters telling her to take extreme action.

The bit about her just popping in.
A great tip I read here on mumsnet was to always answer the door with your coat in your hand.
Depending on who it is you are either just coming in or just on your way out!

this site has the best support and advice for people with MIL

Get a sling. I have yet to find even the most determined child-napper who will dare to reach in and dig about in a sling to take a baby away from its mother. Worked a treat for me!

Love the tip about answering the door, I really am going to use that one! Good luck, remember you and your baby are the important ones here.

Rather sickened by your mil talking about you "forcing religion" on your dd. The decision on the nature and extent of your child's religious upbringing is for the parents only and that remark was extremely impertinent. Also contradictory: she doesn't want dd christened, but she does want all the family invited!

From what you say, she is nosy, bossy and impertinent. But I agree with others who say you need to assert yourself without being as rude as she is, and not too confrontational.

Develop strategies to keep her at arm's length. Do not tell her about decisions until the very last moment when she will not be able to change them.

Incidentally, as a matter of interest, did she try to muscle in and name dd for you?

Your MIL and mine must be clones of one another.

When dd was a baby my mil tried exactly the same stunts as yours - snatching her off me and refusing to give her back even though i was b/f her.

I was terrified of the woman. I couldn't say anything back, no matter how rude or insulting she became, my mouth would always go dry and i'd shake. Then one day she'd behave insensitively as usual and i just lost it. I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom with dd and told dp I wasn't coming down until she'd left.

DP was such a wuss and found it so hard to stand up to her, as ever, but eventually (after 2 hours) she did leave. I then set about making some house rules. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, for better or worse. But through it all i've had to keep forcing myself to stand up to her and i now find it much easier. The trouble is, she does not 'get' subtlety. You have to beat her over the head (metaphorically speaking) to get what you want. I have probably become nearly as scary as she is in the process!

Just speak your mind next time she pisses you off. To hell with the consequences. you have a right to expect that she follow your rules and not the other way around when it comes to your child. She doesn't have any authority over you, and she has to earn your respect just as much as you do hers, just keep telling yourself that.

Firstly, don't feel bad about your anger. No one has the right to tell you you're lucky because your MIL bothers with you. That isn't the point here at all. Your feelings are as important as anyone else's in this equation and you're justifiably upset by your current position.

MILs are hard work a lot of the time and have real issues with boundaries. My mil states that HER mil was an interfering old busy body who wanted to control her life. Ah...the irony! I felt like asking her if she'd had lessons from her, but she just wouldn't hear it. Literally. The woman has selective deafness.

If your mil tries to justify her beahviour by saying the baby's happy enough, say that's fine, but I'm not. Blame it on the baby blues if it helps you get your message across, but say calmly what you want her to do (or not do) and tell her that you're struggling to cope with the current situation. Tell her you know she understands and you appreciate that you can count on her for support. then tell her that if she can do x, y and z and leave w to you that would be so great. Use a bit of flattery...even if it's unwarranted...cos at the end of the day, when your dc is older you might be glad of a little help.

I tolerate my mil and she often drives me nuts (irrationally so) but she takes my girl (now 7) for a day a week, sometimes overnight, and it really gives me and DH a break....so yes...you need to be careful, but you also need to get what's on your chest off it. Oh...and you need to realise that you'll probably never have a great relationship with this woman, but you just have to make it work for you...not her!

Good luck with it all....

She sounds very like my MIL. I've had ten years of snidey abuse from her and recently read an e-mail which she sent to my DH (neither know I've seen it but I have a copy) describing me as "evil" and "mad" and how I had come into their family and ruined her perfect life (er, except she got divorced, had treatment for alcholism and lots of other troubles years before she even met me).

TBH, reading how she really feels about me has made me feel a lot stronger, as like you, my DH always says "she likes you deep down, she means well, she's just a bit tactless". Now I know her true feelings in her own words I feel a lot better about keeping up my policy of an arm's length relationship (she used to spend at least two full days a week at our house plus all holidays but now it's every other weekend unless a special occasion like birthday).

One thing that I did query when reading your post was why your SIL wasn't a bridesmaid but his cousins' were. Not trying to judge you, it just seemed a bit odd.

My MIL is simelar. She hated me 'stealing her son' and 'trapping him' with having DD. She offered to pay halves with my parents for an abortion! (I never though of that I was happy to be pg!) She then was all over DD like a rash when she was born. At the hospital every day, all day, ignoring me yet all over DD. She turned up daily and refused to ring as she 'shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her own son!'. She constantly whined about not seeing DD enough even though we saw her all the time.

She asked to take DD (as a baby) abroad and we said thanks but no thanks and MIL said 'well you are denying a holiday then for DD'. Never mind that she could have paid for us all to go but oh no it had to be her. She took over our wedding, took ONLY pics of DH and her family, she has none of me. She invited who she liked and messed up the flowers so that only her family had them. I could write alot more but 10 years on I have learned that the only thing that works is to keep MIL at arms length. She sees DC and we are all civil but I never allow her to be rude to me and insist on boundaries such as calling before she visits. I also never gave in to her demands that DH should go round with the kids on his own (so she could pretend I didn't exist). Her fave quote is to DH 'but you and me are THE FAMILY, your wife and kids are your EXTENDED family,'DH was totally scared of her for ages but no stands up to her, this has made the most difference but we had to split up to get to that part. People like this (if you MIL is) rarely change and will probably not accept you.

"shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her own son" - well yes she should if he lives in a separate household, and that household expects it. Being the parent of a dependent child is not at all the same as being the parent of an independent adult.

Agree that there is very little likelihood of this woman changing or seeing that she could be at fault in any way.

I wouldn't get into open confrontations either, as I have been drawn into heated rows with my MIL and it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference to her way of thinking or behaviour.

Just keep your distance and work on a "the less I see you, the more I like you" policy. Although I have to disagree with (only one) part of jellybean's post in that I have always been very encouraging of DH taking the children to his mother's house without me as I feel that the only problem is between her and I and this type of set up allows the wider family to run more smoothly.

Sorry no advice, i'm in roughly the same boat, but not as bad.
She does pick DD up and won't give her back for ages.Even when she needs feeding.
eg, me, come on then DD lets give you a feed (i'm bf) she then goes to DD are you going to have something to eat now? Mummy's going to feed you, etc, this goes on for about 10 minutes, i look at DH he shrugs, and say just take her, so i have to forcibly take MY DD from her nanny.
i hate it. Why won't she just give her to me???!!!
Same with nappy changing.
she did used to pick her up when she was sleeping.
Or as i was settling her in her moses basket down here she'd go and stand over her and watch, then she woke up. since those times DD has never had an afternoon nap, i can't get her to sleep.
i'm going to watch this thread intently for ideas, have also added that link from paros to read later.

Sorry for butting in on your thread bluebell82.

Hi,

Just wanted to ask if we share a MIL? Sounds exactly like mine when DD was born.

One time I had just finished BFing and was putting myself back together when MIL held her hands out and said to DD come on you, come to mummy. Even FIL looked at her as though she had gone slightly mad and said "She really isn't your baby you know".

If it helps at all, I think it was also a difficult time for MIL as it was kind of an end of an era for her, (i.e her baby, my DH, now had his own baby and I just don't think she handled it all that well at the time.) Things have improved now. I still think she's mad as spoons but in a nice way.