Can I have some advice on my relationship with MIL?

[bluebell82]

Hi everyone, I need some advice on my family situation. I have a lot of pent up anger, not sure why I have it and I know I am being unreasonable at times but I am not sure where it is stemming from.

My mil is so over enthusiastic with our dd1, as soon as she sees her she will pick her up- whether asleep or not- and if she cries she will never give her back to me just tries to settle her herself which really upsetsme especialy as up until recently I was breastfeeding and it would make my boobs leak! When I do try and stand my ground she says things 'well if she likes it then thats all that matters' and 'we'll see'.. when I say that we have plans at the weekedn and we can't see her..

We have had a little disagreement about the christening we are holding in July, we are only inviting immediate family and friends which equates to 25 people and before I get shouted down, there is equal people coming on both sides of the family, we are paying for dinner afterwards so therefore can not afford more than £300... she took great pleasure in telling me that the 'family' are very disappointed in ME and that I should not force religion on my dd- she is being christened not ordained!

We have asked sil to be one of the godmothers and in response she said ' we are glad you have asked her as she didn't get to be a bridesmaid!' We got married 3 years ago and I had my two best friends along with 4 of my dh cousins.. its not like I just had my family!

She invites herself round for a cuppa every week 'i'll just pop in for 5 minutes'.. usually it is 3hrs and I usually have to lie that soemone like the health visitor is coming round..

She is vile to her own mil because when she is round she apparently 'doesn't get a look in'.. My child is not ongoing entertainment..

My dh says that she has always said stupid things and that she doesn't intentionally mean to hurt peoples feelings but I tend to disagree, e's tried to have a word with her but he is such a chicken he basically made out that I wasn't coping and thats not the case at all, I just can't cope with the prospect of spending time with her at the moment she really undermines me.

I know I am going to get loads of replies about how lucky I am but seriously I don't feel lucky I could cry

elasticwoman she did acually try and get us to name our dd before we were ready, I was 20 weeks pregnant and she went on holiday and bought back a t-shirt for dd with the name Grace on it- lovely name but we had only been toying with the idea of calling our dd that... after that she poo pooed every name until I stopped discussing names and even then we got the 'what are you going to cal her'...'such and such asked the the other day what you are going to call her..'.. 'wouldn't it be nice if you called her...' I can go on!!!!

I have to go round today ....

Hi Idina.. the bridemaid thing was thoughtless of me, but he has sooo many cousins who all asked me to my face if they could bridesmaids and they were only little, I couldn't refuse but I did want my two best freinds as well eqauting to 6 bridesmaid.. he doesn't get on with his sister so it just didn't enter my head at the time.. I didn't have my sister either, not sure why but I felt a bit like princess diana with 6 bridesmaid!!

Bluebell, did you learn from the name experience never to discuss anything with mil which isn't already a fait accompli? If you tell her anything on which a decision hasn't been irrevocably made, she will try to make it for you.

You just have to tell her. If dh won't, then you will. For your own peace of mind and happiness. I cut off ties with mine when my child was v small as I was anxious, angry and filled with hatred. Now I no longer see her, I feel stronger, happier and at peace with myself. Good luck.

I think that zazen's advice was very sound. Opening the door with your coat on your arm is a good tactic, or looking at your watch and saying it will have to be a quick cup of tea because you have to be out by 3pm etc. It will improve when your DC gets past babyhood because they won't want to keep still. Cutting off ties is unfair for all, especially your DC.

I agree with AbbeyA about cutting off ties being unfair. There are cases where it's more than justified and Bucharest has clearly decided it's the best move for her, but family's family and our dcs sometimes miss out if they don't have a grandparent or two kicking around.

I really don't like my MIL too much, but my daughter loves her and she's the only nanny we have in easy spitting distance.

As dd's gotten older she's started to spot some of the flaws in nanny's persona too, which is a bonus.

She now calls her 'mad nanny'...something I'm ashamed to say we encourage. In our defence, it allows us to diffuse some of the more potentially explosive situations that arise from time to time and it enables us to discuss some of nanny's more bizarre thought processes logically and calmly, so dd doesn't think they're normal.

My smart DD has already figured that curtain twitching and neighbour-spying is a nanny thing and is not good. The same applies to seeing the bad in everyone, thinking that everyone out there hates you and not expecting too much from the world.

My MIL must think I'm as much of a trial as I think she is, but we tolerate each other for the sake of DH and DD. I hope you manage to come to the same place with your own MIL at some point as it makes life much easier.

Have only read the oppening post but...

"e's tried to have a word with her but he is such a chicken he basically made out that I wasn't coping and thats not the case at all"

Who is "e"? If it is your husband the bloddy idiot is making the problem worse, by putting the blame on you he is actually given her every excuse and permision to undermine you.

I strongly recommend you to insist in him being truthful to what is happening, and to draw the limits for her. Unfortunately, unless he is on your side she will continue to be a nuisance.

That's what eventually separated exDh and I.

Just to add, I don't have anything to do with my inlaws, but both dh and dc see them every week (which tbh gives me a legitimate break) I have never (yet...) badmouthed them in front of my child, and hopefully, won't have to.So, in a sense, we're all happy. Dh has his happy wife back, I have my dignity back, they get to see their beloved son without his witch of a missis, and all's well in the world......

That seems a good compromise Bucharest.

You have to make it clear to your MIL that you and your family (DH and DC) are not at her disposal. If she would like to see you, then she needs to ring up and invite you round. You in turn need to take the lead and ring her up and invite her round for a specific event at a specific time - behave towards her exactly the way you wish she would behave towards you.

What is it with MILs?? They do, in a huge number of cases, seem lots worse than mothers. Is it MILS who just have sons maybe being insensitive?
Bluebell - no real advice as am kinda in same boat but luckily they live 3 hours away. Maybe just start going out a lot for a couple of weeks and then she'll get the message and you can return to how you were before?
Hate, hate, hate the settling them on their own thing. Totally with you on that. I might start not saying anything but just grabbing my dd back off her soon.
I'm going to attempt to start being firmer so I'll let you know how that goes. Good luck!

As with bucharest, dont have a problem with DH taking kids to see her, only he cant be bothered tho..

The coat at the door thing isn't going to work everytime. It might be really inconvenient to 'pretend' to walk round the block. And why should you have to behave like that?! You are an adult!

My MIL has tried everything in the book but I am not one for bullies and she now (finally!) understands that she has to do right by me if she wants any kind of a life with DH and the DCs. I also disagree with encouraging DH and DC to see MIL without you there. You are an equal member of the family and everyone should be grown up enough to be civilised. They cannot be allowed to pretend you don't exist!

It took DH to hammer the message home though. He basically sat her down and told her all the ways her behaviour was unacceptable and that she was going to lose us all as a job lot. Him doing it meant she could find a way back. If I had had that conversation with her there wouldn't have been a way back iyswim? (As much as I was itching to tell her myself and deep down I think she got I was doing her a favour by letting DH do it)

Practice saying things like 'Don't do that' and 'Give him to me now' with a pleasant smile on your face. Look her straight in the eye while you're doing it. Hold your hands out for him and stand very close. If she persists in trying to hang onto him, repeat the same phrase but drop the smile.

Body language is a very useful tool in these situations. It can help avoid direct confrontation which you may not really want.

Wrt the 'popping in'- if you don't have a coat to hand, don't open the door wide, make sure you block the entrance with your body. Say 'Oh what a shame, I'm really busy right now. Tell you what, next time, give me a call beforehand to save yourself a wasted journey. Must go, I need the loo/ can hear a pot boiling over/ whatever.

It needs practice, tbh. The advice about practicing some stock phrases was given to my mother by the CAB. It's a bit like muscle memory- it'll come naturally after a while.

I didn't even notice.......

I was wondering why we had a thread 2 yrs old! There have been masses of 'difficult' MIL threads since the summer of '08. Only this week in fact!

re: picking up- my MIL used to do that, even though I said she was sleeping. Then DD woke and cried. Luckily DH was there, I said oh its still another hour to her feed and she's overtired, you'll just have to amuse her, I have stuff to do. And then you leave her to it. It didn't upset me at all - she woke DD up, she had to amuse her. Interestingly she will not do it now with DS2 - she can't be bother to settle him.

We also used to drop DD off occasinally at the weekend so she could have some time on her own with her. I am going to work on tues, leaving DS2 (10 weeks) with MIL and bottle of EBM. Hope they have fun together and hope DS2 will cooperate and drink the milk!

re: christening, let her make her own new baby party for all of her friends. let her plan and organise the whole thing. You'll get lots of nice clothes for your DD and you'll only have to show up on the day.

Always put your coat on when you answer the door in case you need to pretend you're going out.

And YANBU. Don't even get me started on my MIL. You have all my sympathy bluebell. And BTW- a christening is NOT forcing religion on a baby. A very rude and hurtful remark.

Firstly the bridesmaid- Your wedding your choice they are called BRIDESmaids for a reason not GROOMSmaids, when your dp is wearing a frock to get married he can have who he likes.

Secondly the christening- But she was happy for her daughter to be godmother very hypocritical IMO your child it is none of her buisness.

Thirdly I have many of the same problems with MIL as you do. Dp will take years to stand up on ds MIL was walking in and doing as she pleased her and my grandmother had a big fight over it because my nan said she was not having me walked all over just after I had given birth. Get used to saying no and keep repeating it till she listens. When I had dd I allowed visitors to the hospital about 6hours post birth.

When MIL came in she saw dd for about 20mins the same time as everyone else had including ds and dp. When I said I was tired and wanted to sleep she argued that she wanted to take more photo's I said no three times and repeated I am very tired. Eventually I threatened to have her removed. Say no and continue to until she listens. Tell her you want your baby back to feed or wind. As for the popping in have a bag of stuff ready and if she pops in just say we are on our way out MIL go out for 5mins and then come back until she gets the message that you want her to ring first or whatever it is you wish her to do good luck.

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FFS who keeps doing this it is way more annoying than trolls must remember to check the date on threads grrrrr.

I know