To think “chosen family” is a concept people use when they want loyalty without accountability?

[ByTealPeer]

I get that some people have toxic relatives and need to create support systems. But I’ve also seen people use “chosen family” to build echo chambers where they expect unconditional support but offer very little reflection or accountability in return.

You can’t just collect people who always agree with you and call it family. That’s not loyalty - that’s curation. AIBU to think “chosen family” is sometimes just a way to make yourself feel righteous while avoiding hard conversations?

Perhaps you have a nice family though. And not an abusive father.

I personally would rather spend time with people that I care about.

I've never heard the phrase "chosen family". But from what you're saying, isn't it just the same as having friends?

As with everything, it depends who is saying it.

sane person saying it, it’s a sane idea.

gaslighting narc saying it, it’s been co opted into their world view.

I’m actually no-contact with my family and have an abusive father. That’s why I take issue with the idea that ‘chosen family’ is always this wholesome concept, sometimes it’s used in ways that shut down honest dialogue or accountability.

Not sure why you’re objecting to “curation”. Surely we all curate our friends? Why would the friends close enough to be considered “chosen family” not be curated? And how would that even work - picking random names out of a phone book or something?

Hmm, I think its actually a stranger concept that some people think they are allowed to say whatever they like to another person, and dont go about it in a nice way, or go on about the same point repeatedly, or decide to impress their unwanted opinion on someones personal choices, just because a combination of people shagged several years ago and therefore you are related....

Agreed.

Your chosen family are the people you choose to fight with and for, who you make sacrifices for and love and yes - where appropriate you do hold them accountable.

I think you’re fixated on the wrong thing here. I’m not even sure what your issue is, OP? Who isn’t maki ‘n their “chosen” family take accountability and for what exactly?

Also, what does accountability really have to do with this anyway? How many people don’t hold their actual family accountable..? Accountability isn’t the first thing people usually think of when talking about what makes someone family.

I have no idea what you’re talking about!

I think either can be true OP, entirely depending on the context!

Some people have toxic relatives and need to create support systems - True

I’ve also seen people use “chosen family” to build echo chambers - I think this can be true especially for some young people caught up in certain ideologies

This is a really weird take @ByTealPeer .

The concept of a chosen family is not nefarious or selfish. It’s the basic foundation of any friendship or support system that works for all involved.

I think there is something going on to a specific to you situation if this is your outlook.

Are you talking about people you know and/or know of in real life, rather than people posting the term on the internet?

If so then presumably it’s up to the individuals involved to manage their relationships and decide how much to do or not do for each other.

That’s just called ‘having friends’, OP.

(And no one’s friends ‘always agree with them…?)

There’s definitely accountability in my chosen family! My chosen family is both geographically and emotionally closer to me than my natal family.

My partner, my best friend and many of my close friends are all very much capable of tough love. If anything, I’m more likely to get it from them than my natal family because they know me, my character and what’s going on in my life much better.

My family is fine, but I’m only really close with my DM and DB and DSIL. I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc but I live thousands of miles away and see some of them once a year but most I only see every few years at weddings and funerals.

To some extent, but that’s not the essence of it imo.

What it’s really about, like every other progressive idea is or becomes, is the idea that you can have the easy things in life without the difficult things. Families bring amazing support, but are also awkward things where people often don’t get along and make you do things you don’t always want to do? Simple, just collect some people you like and call that a family instead.

Hoe come actual families tend to be like that? Shhh, that’s not important right now. Probably colonialism somehow.

Maybe unpick your logic here?

I agree I'm finding the thread nonsensical.

I have an awful narc family. So I don't even like using the word family. Chosen family feels a bit cringe for me. That might be a me problem of course.

I don't think you can create the bonds and loyalty of a healthy family you are born into tbh. It feels cult like when I hear this chosen family concept

I have chosen to love and have very deep connection with animals. I love a few friends dearly. I love my own child. That's it.

The chosen family phrase feels silly.

It’s not a cult 🤣

I can understand that the concept may sound silly or weird to some. But at the end of the day if someone finds themselves away geographically or emotionally from their family it’s really not a strange thing to develop those same relationships with other people. It’s been going on forever the only new thing is that it’s recently been branded Chosen Family™️

Here’s another example… 2 people get married and for whatever reason Spouse A is not close to their family and then gets close to Spouse B’s family. Not weird right?

Another example: Susan moves to another country… for whatever reason isn’t close to her family. She starts to get to know her elderly neighbors who don’t have kids of their own. Over the years Susan helps out her neighbors, the neighbors help out Susan, they start to celebrate holidays together they start to develop a closer relationship. Etc. Now Susan may or may not still be in regular contact with her traditional family but it’s a weekly phone call that stays very surface level. At the same time she’s much closer to her neighbors who she’s actively sharing her day to day life with.

there are so many more examples of this type of thing that just grow organically. To be fair I’d side eye anyone putting an ad on FB Marketplace looking for a Chosen Family ™️ that would be weird 😁

I’ve also seen people use “chosen family” to build echo chambers where they expect unconditional support but offer very little reflection or accountability in return.

I've never seen this. Can you be less abstract and give an example? Because it's nothing like my understanding or experience how people use chosen families, which tends to be a much more positive thing to mean that they've managed to find people who love them and will go the extra mile for them (and vice versa) even though they're unrelated so there's no duty/unconditional love compelling them hence it's a choice. And often those people didn't get that love from their bio family, quite the opposite, so it's a blessing. It's not something they've actively set out to build in order to confirm asshole ideologies and have people running around doing their bidding, which seems to be what you've seen.

Yes, but you’re overlooking the key point of family — it’s by definition not chosen. Spouse A opts to be close to Spouse B’s family, just as he or she opts to marry the spouse in the first place — it’s a choice basked on liking and/love, not a given from birth. Likewise Susan befriends her older neighbours and they celebrate Christmas together — still a choice. Therefore not family, which, by definition, is not a choice.

’Chosen family’ is an oxymoron.

Surely lots of us have ‘chosen family’, but that doesn’t mean there’s no accountability. A husband/wife/partner is family that we have chosen for ourselves

Better to fluff it up than have to explain every single time why you have nothing to do with anybody you share DNA with, though.

OP, is there a specific scenario that has inspired this thread? Because it’s a bit hard to make out what your objection is and why.

That’s a very literal take. Most people aren’t going to get hung up on the label that until 3 or 4 years ago nobody had ever heard of.

All adults pick their friends (curation of chosen family) and I don’t see any problems with that. They generally pick people who will support them (a very important quality in a friend) and friends generally don’t want to upset other friends so don’t hold each other accountable unless it affects them. What I mean is you might not tell your friend that she picks losers as partners but if her child is violent towards yours then you would probably act even though it upset her.

In a way, yes, but it also involves casting a judgement on the biological family and there's an implication that there's no contact with them.