to feel like I’m picking between children over relationship with DH

[Ihatebeingme0]

I’ll start by saying this isn’t the first thread about all of this before anyone jumps on me but taking all the other drama out of the equation please can I ask what you would do if :

You had broken up with ExH for a year and during that time he had lived in a flat share that wasn’t suitable for the children to visit so he’s been staying at the home 3 nights per week whilst I stay with my mother

DS 15 absolutely heartbroken and desperate for ExH to come home

Hasn’t coped at all and says he will move in with his dad as soon as he can / will never accept a new person in my life etc

DD 13 ASD and very awkward relationship with ExH due to them being very similar
Little conversation between them as neither can initiate it as DD sees DS as being his favourite as they share lots of hobbies - in reality it isn’t that, it’s because their special interests are the same thing

Doesn’t want him to come home - says 3 evenings a week is too much already and she shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable in her own home

Please help

Don’t be harangued by your teens to get back with your ex

what about explaining to your teens why you don’t feel that it’s right you and ex are together

Oh now I’ve read it

tour children can’t force you to live with a man you don’t want to be with

your ex needs to get himself sorted and get a place so he can have his children over

He needs to sort himself out, he’s had long enough.

Well unless he gets a better option than a flat share how is DS going to live with him? I would say to ex-DH that as of September he needs to have sorted accommodation out that will allow DS to stay over or whatever but the staying stops. Is he skint? Does the house need selling ?
But FGS no new relationships until this sorts itself out.

@Thirdcofffgs read it, she feels shes picking between her children not her children or DH

I deleted

Your ex needs to get himself a place to live or just see the kids in the day.

Take out whatever details you want, you still don’t get back with the ex. Your children need help and support, so end the new relationship that’s now working and focus on them and helping them through this time

In reality a 13 and 15 year old aren’t qualified to make decisions about your relationship so take all of those feelings out of the equation.

You need to think about whether in 10 years, when your kids are no longer dependent, you want to be with exdh or not. If the answer is not then stay split up and gently explain to the kids that you’re not getting back together. I’d also put a time limit on ex using your home, as I think that is confusing the issue.

Looking at the children’s feelings I would try and help ds speak to his dad about wanting some overnights and how exdh could manage that; and help dd speak to exdh about doing a regular activity together.

Id also, out of respect for ds feelings, keep any dating seperate from the children until they are independent adults.

Stop your ex staying at your home, he's using those three days to fuck up your children.

Help your son manage his feelings. He doesn’t have to accept a new partner- you certainly shouldn’t be moving anyone in until the dc have left home, anyway.

Your ex staying 3 nights a week isn't helping, it's just messing up your children. He needs to find somewhere else to stay. Sometimes what's best for the children isn't fair for the adults but that's just how it is.

It’s only been a year, your kids are still adjusting to a new normal which still isn’t settled because their dad is staying over and doesn’t have space for them. You need to sort out the longer term contact arrangements and give them time to settle.

Your son is under no obligation to accept a new person in your life, a year after separation is far too soon to be thinking about introducing a new partner to your kids anyway. Your sons feelings may change if he sees his dad settled somewhere new, but if not he’s entitled to not want another adult male in his life or his home.

I don't recall op mentioning that she has a new partner just that her son has said he will never accept one should the situation arise.

Pick you OP.

Either way this situation is not a feasible long term solution and your effectively being driven from your own home to placate one of your children. Your DS whilst I truly feel for him is being given false hope whilst this arrangement exists.

This.

He absolutely cannot be staying at your house. It’s giving your dc no chance to actually get used to the new status quo.

He shouldn’t be coming back to your place to facilitate a relationship with his kids. He needs to find a suitable place to live to create his own relationship without YOU facilitating a relationship with them. Let’s be really honest, would he have a real relationship with DD if you didn’t facilitate it?

She’s had multiple threads about it like she mentioned in her OP, the most recent one is still going where she talked about her new partner, that’s why several of us no about it.

If you love your exH I would very slowly start a relationship again and if certain it would work out allow him to move back in. I would minimise the risk of splitting up again as much as possible.

You cant get back together to suit son and/or exh, there is no answer that will please everyone.

Son doesn't want any new partner. Daughter doesn't want exh back. Just live as you are just now and any relationship should be very slow and not involve the children for a long time.

Your ex will not find his own place whilst he is squatting in yours

Before you split up how did DD cope with DH?

You are making a drama out of this regardless of protestations.

New guy - stop seeing him, it isn't real or you wouldn't be mucking around like this.
ExH - be clear you are not getting back together. Explain why he needs a flat of his own and give him a 1 month timeline to sort it.
Kids - old enough to make their own decisions about where they want to be. Might be better for DD to have a day or evening out on her own with dad each week, and DS see him separately for now.

This.

Confusing, mixed messages.

Some families that split up, have this sort of arrangement, it’s called bird nesting isn’t it? DC stay put and parents split their time at the home

In your situation, I would:

• Put a stop to your exDH staying in your home (although that might mean selling if his share of marital money is also tied up in it). Give a him a fixed time frame to sort something out. After that he can take the kids out during the day/evening. Nesting works for some families (usually with a very clear but amicable break-up and young children), but it clearly isn’t working for your family and it’s just causing the kids to feel confused and unsettled.
• Have a kind but firm conversation with your son about the fact you and exDH won’t be getting back together, but that you still want to support him to have a good relationship with his dad.
• Don’t force DD to stay with her dad if she doesn’t want to (she’s likely to refuse to go once he has his own flat), but suggest to exDH that he does some things 1:1 with her to build their relationship.
• Possibly therapy if either/both children are still struggling to cope with the new situation (try to find someone who specializes in managing change/transitions for people with ASD, even if they’re online).
• DO NOT move anyone else in or make any other big life changes. This can wait until they’re much more settled or leave home. You can still have adult relationships when they’re spending time with their dad but introducing someone new now is going to massively exacerbate how unsettled and distressed they are feeling and will probably effect their relationship with you and your new partner long term.