to feel like I’m picking between children over relationship with DH

[Ihatebeingme0]

I’ll start by saying this isn’t the first thread about all of this before anyone jumps on me but taking all the other drama out of the equation please can I ask what you would do if :

You had broken up with ExH for a year and during that time he had lived in a flat share that wasn’t suitable for the children to visit so he’s been staying at the home 3 nights per week whilst I stay with my mother

DS 15 absolutely heartbroken and desperate for ExH to come home

Hasn’t coped at all and says he will move in with his dad as soon as he can / will never accept a new person in my life etc

DD 13 ASD and very awkward relationship with ExH due to them being very similar
Little conversation between them as neither can initiate it as DD sees DS as being his favourite as they share lots of hobbies - in reality it isn’t that, it’s because their special interests are the same thing

Doesn’t want him to come home - says 3 evenings a week is too much already and she shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable in her own home

Please help

To echo what everyone is saying, of course it still feels awfully entangled when you're sharing a home. You might not be staying at the same time, but it's clearly confusing the children.

Either he needs to find a suitable place, bring the children to a family members, or stick to day visits.

You need to be single and sort your head out.
The actual mess of what is truly going on will make you ill and then your children will really suffer.

Put your children first, this thread is just so not the complete picture.

Stop going to your mothers.
Stop allowing him stay in your house making your daughter uncomfortable.
Tell your son he can move in with dad if he wants but he doesn't get to dictate your life.

This chaos continues because your son and husband have all the power.

Stop it.
Your poor daughter.

I’ve read your other thread OP and I can understand why you are so conflicted. But I think you need to stop trying to find the answer to it all right now. It sounds like you are understandably feeling emotional and highly anxious about the impact of things on everyone else. But there is no ultimate answer that will lead to happiness to all concerned. So stop trying to find it. I think you need to press pause on the new relationship. Maybe it will lead to something long term or maybe it won’t but this is not the time to be trying to work it all out. If he’s the man for you, he’ll wait. You need to be ok without a new relationship. And you need to focus on supporting your kids through the break up.
I think you should speak to a counsellor/therapist to try unpack things. The ex needs to stop coming over, it’s confusing for everyone. You all need space to digest things and find a way forward. No one is going to be fine with everything immediately. That’s impossible. It’s going to take time, lots of emotions and lots of conversation as you navigate this new path.

I’m not surprised your DC are confused and upset. Your boundaries are not strong enough with the ex for the DC to understand theirs.

Put your own oxygen mask on first OP,
sort this out for you so you don’t have to keep accommodating your feckless ex in your space which is also upsetting your DD.

Stop the stays in your home, that's ridiculous. He finds a place to live where DS can stay over and DD if she wants. If DS chooses to live with him then so be it.

Don't let him stay at your house; it's not fair to you or your daughter. If he genuinely can't get his own place to live where he can have the children with him 50% of the time, can he maybe host them during part of the week at a family member's house - like his mum or dad or a sibling?

I'd be as confused as your daughter is about the difference between her dad and brother sharing lots of hobbies vs her dad's and brother's interests being the same thing. But either way, he's her dad. If he can't or won't parent her, don't force her to see him. But absolutely do make sure he pays the child support due.

OP, you literally have a thread from full of perfectly good advice. It's really insulting to people trying to help you that you won't listen to it. That suggests to me what you want to do isn't what people are saying so you're reposting looking for different answers. You're not going to get any clarity if you keep filling up your head with lots of advice and not taking it onboard, just continually reposting. The longer you let this go on the more everyone involved is hurt, let that be your impetus to just make clean breaks with both men and heal your relationship with your son.

They didn’t interact much
He would try now and again to make conversations but not too hard and when she didn’t speak back, he left it
I micromanaged it for them really

You don’t let the children make the decision for you.

Generally speaking, once you’ve ripped off the sticking plaster and left, it’s better not to confuse them further by getting back together.

I remember your last thread and your ex was horrible to your DD. She was glad he moved out, and he is an ex for a reason.

Your DS will have to accept relationships fail.

I’d be knocking the three nights where he comes to your house and you camp at your mum’s on the head straight away! Why on earth would he be in a rush to sort his own shit out when he’s playing you like a fiddle. Stop that.
Wrt your children, your DS has to learn to accept that relationships sometimes fail. It’s life. I’d be working on that to be fair.
Right now they’re in No-Man’s-Land. You need a complete split and help the children to move forward.

Are you the poster currently unplanned pregnant for her new boyfriend who started off supportively and then became a massive red flag?