to want to feel loved?

[EverydayHeartBreak]

Do I have unrealistic expectations? I know life isn’t a romcom movie but I feel permanently broken hearted and rejected at the moment and I need a reality check please.

32yo, 3 kids, DP “cares for me”. He says he does love me, but he isn’t “in love” with me. This came to light when our youngest was a few weeks old and he announced he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore but obviously he would stay for the kids. I thought I could love him enough for the both of us, but we’re nearly six years down the line and I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for him to love me back but it’s just never going to happen.

No kisses or touch, although I do get a hug if I insist on it, sex is very much present, but it’s sex rather than loving or tender. No affection, or compliments, or effort.

We do just get along, no arguments, he does more than his fair share of the housework/childcare, we’re quite an efficient team at day to day life. The children would be devastated if I left and I feel like I can’t do that to them for such a selfish reason, to in all likelihood just end up alone. (Not to mention the reality and logistics of juggling 3 kids alongside full time work).

But still. I can’t help dream about what I might be missing out on. Is this what all relationships are like in the long term? Does long term love exist at all, or am I being childish and should just settle for calm and stable.

I thought I could love him enough for the both of us

This is really sad. You deserve so much better. 32 is still very young, you’ve got a lot of life to live. I can see why it’s convenient to stay with him, but I’m not sure whether I could.

What a piece of shit he is. I hate him for you.

Don’t stay with this cruel hateful man OP.

Good lord don't put up with this! Also don't let your children grow up thinking this is what love/family looks like.

OP, you are still young and it's really sad that you're thinking about settling for this for the rest of your life. This is NOT what all long term relationships are like - I've been married 35 years and I would say we are still 'in love'. If you stay with this man, chances are he will at some point meet someone he falls in love with and leave. If I were you, I'd call time on it now and concentrate on co-parenting as amicably as possible. You're young and will meet someone else who is prepared to have a full and loving relationship with you!

You’re far too young to settle for a life like this. Children will be fine. You’ll work it out. Start making longer term plans

I once got told i love you but im not in love with you it was at that moment i knew it was over.
Been single now for years and i love it i got to find me again who i was and what i really wanted and liked.
I learned how to love me again for who i was when i was done loving upon myself i let others love up on me.

Your far to young to say fuck it this will do you have many years of fun to come op.
I still get my ons.
And the ex well he`s just not important to me anymore i look back now and think you done me a favour.

This is heartbreaking to read 😢
Cruel at its finest.
Please leave this man, you're so young there is more to life than living like this.
God, your self-esteem must be on the floor.

I'm single now because I was in a similar relationship. It's hard on your own but better. I'm a bit cynical at the moment but I still believe there are good people out there.

Don’t settle.. move on

Your dp isn’t being fair to you, or you being fair to yourself, by having perfunctory sex and staying together for the kids. This doesn’t sound particularly ‘caring’ and makes for difficult reading, so it must be even harder to live it.

Had he not changed his view in 6years since he said he isn’t in love with you? Does he still say / believe this?

You’re 32 - are you going to last til some somewhat arbitrary future date for your kids (youngest turns 16is the oft cited one) before you’ll allow yourself happiness and freedom?

If you’re both aligned that staying together matters to you (and you might well be), then what can you both do to improve the relationship (eg counselling, shared activities, open relationship,…)? If you agree you aren’t happy together you can still Coparent in a constructive way. Neither of you need to accept blame, shame or fault for the dissolution of the sexual / married relationship and it does not need to diminish your friendly / parenting relationship at all. The longer this goes on the more you possibly jeopardise the latter.

I could have won Cynic of the Year after my last relationship ended. I was so over it - relationships, men, in-laws, feigning interest in a man’s hobbies. Just done.

Exactly 15 months later I met DP. My inner cynic kept him at arm’s length for the first few months - as a ‘FWB’ - but he melted my cold, English heart and now we have evolved into something more, and I’m, well, in free-fall ☺️.

So yes, they’re out there.

Advice to the OP: you’re 32, get out of this depressing mess.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It’s strange that a few people have mentioned this being cruel, I always thought of the situation as him being very kind to stay with me even though he wasn’t in love. Maybe I need to reframe that slightly in my head.

At the moment I’m not sure I could ever trust anyone who said they loved me in the future- I’d be wondering how long it would be before that disappeared. My self-esteem is on the floor, I guess I’m starting to believe I’m just not lovable.

It’s also great to know there are people who love each other. That it isn’t an unrealistic fairytale.

So he's wanting to have sex with you but shows you no love or affection? And you have three kids?

Sorry OP, but he's a loser. I hope you find the strength to leave him. This must be soul-destroying for you, I am so sorry. You deserve better.

I think either he is very immature and he has unrealistic expectations of what love is in a long term relationship or he’s an arse. I’m not sure which of those he is - or both! You deserve better.

@AbzMoz He hasn’t changed his mind, no.

The latest comment quite recently was that ‘he doesn’t want to not be with me’, which wasn’t exactly the reassurance I was after. I find it horribly confusing.

I just can’t picture happiness and freedom happening for me really.

It’s so not an unrealistic fairytale - it’s what makes life worth living - to give and receive love

Omg leave

Youre so young. There's a life out there for you, with a man who loves you.

It sounds like there won't be any fuss from your man. Leave, set up a coparenting arrangement. Do the work on yourself and then get back out there! ❤️

I think there are probably many, many married couples out there who love one another but aren't "in love" anymore, who aren't romantic with each other but care about one another, aren't passionate but still have sex in half-hearted functional way. People who stay together because they still get on well, feel they're a good team, that they've got a good life on balance and want to remain a family. I think if both parties feel contented with the above then that's a valid choice, and probably makes for a much better marraige than many of the absolute shit-shows you read about on here.

I think what makes this different, OP and why posters are describing it as "cruel" is the way its been communicated. He announced that he wasn't in love with you when were a few weeks post partum, an incredibly vulnerable time for a woman, and does not seem to have made any effort to get the spark back. Telling you that he's only staying for the kids, what's the point of that? I can understand the importance of telling your partner that you're unhappy in the marriage for the purposes of working on it together to improve things, or because you've decided to leave them. But what is the actual point in telling your partner that you're not in love with them anymore and that you're going to stay with them but just for the kids? It's not constructive, it's not like you can really do anything about it so what purpose could this possibly serve other than to make you feel like shit? That's why its cruel.

This came to light when our youngest was a few weeks old and he announced he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore but obviously he would stay for the kids Wow. That’s big of him. Are you supposed to be grateful for that? Did he even ask you if that was the sort of marriage you wanted?

He’s a shit. A cruel, entitled shit.

He told you this weeks after the birth of your child, at an incredibly vulnerable time for any mother. And since then, he’s been getting all the benefits of having a loving family, without having any emotional investment in the person who has made it possible. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to ‘not’ be with you; you enable him to have a very nice life, living in a house he probably wouldn’t be able to afford on his own, with constant access to the DC, without having to organise his own childcare etc, and sex whenever he wants it, all without having any love or care for you. Is he seeing other women?

And what happens when the children are grown? Does he have a plan for leaving? Are you on a countdown to divorce? Will he wait until the youngest leaves school and then announce he’s off, leaving you feeling like you’ve missed the boat in terms of a happy relationship? Because if that’s his plan, then you aren’t settling; you’re being used as a place holder. Or is he suggesting that you stay together permanently? So you can have a lonely retirement too?

I know you’re worried about upsetting your DC. But bloody hell, this sounds a miserable way to live.

Sounds like it’s time for you to make your own mind up, lovely. It sounds like you’ve been lonely for a while and you really don’t deserve this or need to live that way.
Whatever you decide to do, whenever you decide to do it, I will still wishing you strength, peace and that you find the love you seek.

Honestly this sounds actually abusive that he gives you some crumbs of sex and a hug if you ask but says he doesn't love you and has somehow convinced you that he is the one being kind to you. He is not being kind. I wonder if there are other ways he is unkind to you?
^
I'd start by no more sex, actual separation within the household however possible (separate rooms if possible). If he doesn't at least care for you in a loving way then you are not together and he doesn't get to reap the rewards of a relationship with you but put no effort in.

If you do split up (and I think you should), all you need to say is that he hasn't loved you since your youngest was born. That's all the justification you need.^

People are saying you’re too young to settle for this, but I can’t think of it as acceptable at any age! As women we should stick together and tell each other it’s never acceptable to live like this. Your kids will pick up on your unhappiness.

He openly declared he no longer loves you and thinks he's doing you a favour by staying with you.
Obviously you were in shock and didn't know which way to turn as you had just given birth to his baby. What a cruel, cruel, selfish man.
Having stayed with him since then in the hope that he may fall back in love with you again, has has resulted in you being conditioned to live with a partner in a relationship that is loveless.
This is why you think you are not worthy of love.
He did that to you when you were at your most vulnerable time of your life.
He has taken full advantage of you since making that declaration. He has deprived you of a loving, fulfilling relationship and he has deprived his children of a loving household where their mentors adore eachother.
They will grow up to think relationships are loveless.
You know you deserve 100% more than this. Go and get it. Change your life.

He’s got someone else lined up. Foregone conclusion.

he is waiting for you to be an arsehole back so he has an excuse to leave you.

@lilacbreeze I really don’t think so- we’re six years down the line. There’s no behaviour which would suggest this is the case.

It’s so hard.