to want to feel loved?

[EverydayHeartBreak]

Do I have unrealistic expectations? I know life isn’t a romcom movie but I feel permanently broken hearted and rejected at the moment and I need a reality check please.

32yo, 3 kids, DP “cares for me”. He says he does love me, but he isn’t “in love” with me. This came to light when our youngest was a few weeks old and he announced he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore but obviously he would stay for the kids. I thought I could love him enough for the both of us, but we’re nearly six years down the line and I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for him to love me back but it’s just never going to happen.

No kisses or touch, although I do get a hug if I insist on it, sex is very much present, but it’s sex rather than loving or tender. No affection, or compliments, or effort.

We do just get along, no arguments, he does more than his fair share of the housework/childcare, we’re quite an efficient team at day to day life. The children would be devastated if I left and I feel like I can’t do that to them for such a selfish reason, to in all likelihood just end up alone. (Not to mention the reality and logistics of juggling 3 kids alongside full time work).

But still. I can’t help dream about what I might be missing out on. Is this what all relationships are like in the long term? Does long term love exist at all, or am I being childish and should just settle for calm and stable.

I think, at this point, the hardest thing would be coming to terms with the fact that he doesn’t love you and then believing that you can be happy, and that you deserve to be happy, but that it’s not going to happen all the time you’re still married to him. He’s ground your self esteem down to the point where you actually believe that it’s just going to be the case that your life isn’t going to have happiness in it. That’s simply unacceptable, both for you and for your children.

There is nothing confusing about the way he is behaving unless you’re clinging onto a little crumb of hope that your marriage is going to survive; being confused is less painful than realising that he’s a fucking arsehole and your marriage is dead in the water.

I understand the practicalities of leaving might mean that it would be difficult with the children, but I would very strongly advise you to start stashing cash away. Enough for a deposit on a rental property, a few months rent and some basic furnishings. Bury it in the garden or hide it under under the carpet or even in the pocket of an old pair of jeans in the back of the wardrobe if you don’t want a paper trail, because sooner or later he’s going to announce he’s off to pastures new and you’re going to feel blindsided.

@WilfredsPies I do understand what you’re saying, and some days I’m furious and I’m ready to chuck it all in.

And then I think - well what does it matter whether I’m loved or not. The kids are, that have a stable home where there’s no hostility or arguments, there’s a partnership at home, their life is great, they have hobbies etc. Am I really selfish enough to ruin that for them in some blind hope that someone might love me one day? Surely that would make me an awful person?
what if it never happens anyway and I’ve ruined everything we did have for absolutely nothing?

I have realised more and more how much it hurts to be constantly faced with the hope of being loved that never materialises. It’s such a mess.

Why haven’t you asked him to leave?

You’re allowing him to have perfunctory sex no doubt when it suits him. Is that really satisfactory to you?

Jeez you’re worth so much better. Yes there are absolutely good men out there, you need to raise your standards.
Why are you putting up with being in such a crap relationship?

He's not being cruel, he's being honest. He's ok with his life with you. He gets a mom for his kids and sex and unless something better comes along, he's not going anywhere because he's comfortable.

But, you sound like you're not ok with being with a guy who doesn't love you. He settled for a comfortable but loveless life but you're unhappy with it.

@Mrsmouse71 Because it’s not crap? Because I’m attached? Because he’s become my family? Prioritising the kids’ lives? Because it feels safer than never being with anyone again? Because I don’t feel worthy of anything beyond this?

I don’t know. It doesn’t feel as simple as you seem to think it is.

Then you’ve answered your own question. You’ve decided that you have unrealistic expectations and have settled for what he’s prepared to offer you. A relationship that goes through the motions, nothing more

Can you imagine that for potentially another 50 years?

Hes there because he knows where his bread is buttered and he gets an easy life and sex on demand

Raise your standards or you’re showing your children this is exactly what a loving family look like….. it isn’t

I would actually at least stay until the children start high school
People find it all very easy to romanticise how the grass is greener but actually the reality of it is your life will be identical but with less support less finances and he will skip off into the sunset and meet somebody else and you’ll probably have to watch him have another baby with somebody marry them in six months and it will be sickening
Whilst you can’t get him to babysit so you can have a Tinder date

I suspect you have made yourself vulnerable by having three children with him without being married. You need to focus on the financial implications of leaving him. Or him leaving you, which he is highly likely to do at some point, if and when he meets someone who lights his fire.

Do you earn similar amounts or has he pulled ahead in his career while you focus more on home and children? Do you have similar amounts saved in pensions and other investments? Do you own your own home, if so is it as joint tenants or tenants in common? Are you named as the beneficiary in his will and his pension - but note that this can be changed very easily.

I can understand that these issues may seem secondary to you now, given the devastating realisation that he doesn’t truly love you, but you need to focus on practicalities and formulate an exit plan. It is better if YOU are the one to instigate the breakup, rather than wait and hope, in vain, that the relationship will improve.

You’re making it sound as though something is wrong with OP for not being ok with this. If he’s not in love with her, but wants to stay together for mutual convenience/child rearing, then he shouldn’t be having sex with her. Men can usually have sex without feelings being involved, but women will often end up feeling used.

As soon as the kids are old enough, he’ll be off with someone that he does have strong feelings for, and OP will have wasted years that she could have spent building a life with someone who loves her.

I will say that he’s done her a favour by being honest. Most men won’t be, and then the wife is ‘blindsided’ when he starts an affair.