AIBU to just walk away?

[Drowninginconfusion]

This is long and I’m sorry, I’m exhausted and confused and I need some objective views please. Please don’t bash me, I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t take anymore negativity.

i have two older children from 1st partner and two from current partner. Eldest has left home, son (19) still at home but spends lots of time with his girlfriend and stays over.

My relationship with my current partner hasn’t been brilliant to be honest, I could go into detail but I’m not sure it is really relevant. However, he gave me a reason to not trust him twice (not cheating) and he has never managed to get up with our children amongst other things. I have made some mistakes though and I know that.

The problem is my son has been disrespectful for quite some time. He isn’t openly disrespectful, I mean he doesn’t answer back etc but it’s things like the following. He is exceptionally messy, his bedroom is disgusting. I don’t know where I went wrong really because the eldest was exactly the same and we had to have a huge tidy when she left. I’ve been into my sons room for maybe the last 6 years and every time I go in it is bad. So I clean it with him, I buy new bedding etc and get very upset / angry with him about it but nothing seems to change. I have cried the last twice I’ve had to help him do it but he doesn’t seem to have any emotion about seeing me that way, I’ve asked if he resents me in some way but he just says no. I think everyone’s idea of bad is different so in order to give context he has broken almost every piece of furniture I put in there (says he fell into it etc), he smashed his light switch (some years ago now) he had bottles of wee in his bedroom (not this latest time I went in but not that long ago!) he had close to 50 empty (some not 🤮) milk bottles in his room this time (today) it has taken me and him all day to get about half of the work done and I think it will take all day tomorrow. The mattress needs setting on fire but when I bought it 3 years ago I put him a mattress protector on, none of the bedding was on the actual bed. I ask him every time he comes home for some washing and he gives me about 5 things but today when we went in there were piles of clothes that need washing - the last time we tidied his room I put a clothes rail in (he had broken his wardrobe) so he could definitely have had more things hung up (only 3 things were and there’s room for maybe 20 items). I found something that belongs to my partner in a drawer that he never asked to borrow and partner has been asking me if I’ve seen and I said no and partner has had to replace them (£20) I’ve asked my son not to take things without asking many times. In the past we’ve gone to use a tin opener, a pizza slicer and a bottle of mayo that we always have in the fridge and he’s taken it with him to college / work / girlfriends etc despite being asked not to. I found lots of glasses today and I feel stupid because when partner says ‘we’re low on glasses’ and son says he doesn’t have any I’ve got defensive when really he was taking the mickey and I should have known! He leaves a mess - protein powder spilt on the sides, he never gets the right recycling bins for things despite me sending him a photo of which bin is used for certain things and reminding him, I don’t think he cares. He says the right thing when I mention it ‘sorry’ etc but never changed. He is always sweaty and refuses to take off his hoodie even though he smells bad, I tell him he smells but he insists on wearing a hoody even in this heat. Last year he had some friends around without asking while we were away and I came back to a mess, bread in my cutlery drawer and behind a photo hung in the way, ketchup smeared on my sofa, some of my partners sports equipment got damaged and my son still wouldn’t admit what had happened for a few days. I told him there and then that he was going to be asked to leave if he continued his disrespectful behavior, he went for a few days but it was his 18th birthday and I said he could come home because it felt awful. Things have been awful since then, my partner was very very angry about people being in the house and his things getting damaged and he clearly still hasn’t gotten over it. This last few days my son decided he was coming home from his girlfriends but it was 11.30pm at night when he got back which is annoying because it feels disrespectful when he could easily have been back earlier (he had a problem with his push bike but there’s always a problem if you know what I mean) he was wet through with sweat and left a cereal bowl in the sink for me to wash even though we hadn’t seen him for 5 days. He always come down to eat at 10.30pm even though I’ve asked him not to cook that late at night, he’ll mostly try and have cereal but every now and again he’ll nuke something in the air fryer and it makes the kitchen stink before bed and it drives me mad. This sparked a conversation with me and partner about him not caring that my son was struggling on his bike and all the feelings he had about what happened last year clearly resurfaced, I asked if he wanted to break up and he said yes. He asked me if I wanted to and I said yes.

I know that I haven’t helped this situation, I have been on eggshells for over a year, going into the kitchen when he’s been in there tidying around after him (still reminding him to do it himself but not wanting OH to hear so he doesn’t get pissed off) going into the house before my partner and two youngest to quickly put things away that he’s left out (he has got slightly better), buying things he eats a lot of so that partner doesn’t get annoyed when they’ve all gone. Basically we should have sat downs with son together and laid strict ground rules and warned him of the consequences if he didn’t stick to them. The problem is I think my partner has been too strict about some of the issues so that hasn’t helped. Food for example when son was at college shouldn’t have really been an issue in my opinion but now I can see that my son does cook more than he needs and wastes food, half a gallon of ketchup down the sink after each meal etc and at 19 it’s a bit much.

I have left with my son and our two younger children, I own both homes but obviously my partner should have somewhere to stay so he is in the other house although I need to put it on the market soon. One of our children is autistic and is really struggling, we’ve only been gone two nights and he’s asking to go to the other house - he is like this when we go on holiday so I know if I took him there with his Dad he would cry for me and his sister so the change in routine is an issue, his Dad starts work at 8 so couldn’t drop him at school either. Their Dad had them earlier and wouldn’t come in when he dropped them off because my son was here. That is obviously very different to what the younger two are used to and it’s awful for me and them. My son did text my partner (well ex really) and say that he’s sorry about the mess, that he didn’t realise how bad it was and that he’s sorry about what happened last year and that he wants to make it better. My partner didn’t respond and clearly is still angry and doesn’t want to be around my son.

I don’t know what to do. Would other people be asking a 19 year old to move out in these circumstances? He could go to his girlfriends I’m sure but obviously we all know he would struggle with paying rent etc. I also don’t want to damage my relationship with my son forever which I fear it would but honestly I have told him at least 3 times that if he didn’t make sure his room didn’t end up in that state then he would have to contact his Dad or find somewhere to go (no contact with Dad for last couple of years) my relationship with my partner isn’t brilliant but I don’t want another broken family, my youngest son is beside himself because it’s all so alien to him. I really feel quite depressed and like I wish I didn’t exist but I could never leave the two youngest so won’t do anything silly.

I have said to my partner via text that I don’t think k he is in the wrong to be angry and that I would like to make it work and talk to eldest together about what we expect and deal with him together rather than it being just me, I would genuinely accept my partner shouting son down to clean things up like a normal father son relationship but he never answers so I think for now it is over. I would like to add here for a little fairness that my partner leaves quite a lot of mess for me as well so some of the things he says are slightly hypocritical but of course he pays bills. He has paid for my some phone contract for the last 10 years or so and yesterday he took him off the family sharing which felt brutal for some reason. Although I can see my faults with my eldest son, I do a lot for my partner, like I say he has never had to pay a mortgage or rent because I won my home, I cook for him, I do his laundry blah blah blah. He asks I gets hyper focussed on things which have had to listen to and anyone that has been around will know is exhausting. I don’t even know if any of this relevant but I don’t want him to come across as perfect.

If you got this far I am hugely grateful and please know that I can accept my own failings here, I just need to know what others would do or have done in similar situations.

Maybe I should just accept my relationship with my partner is over. I can still have my eldest son down here but my poor little one deserves his Dad here.

AIBU to ask son to leave?

Your son is an adult now and must surely realise his actions have consequences. I can’t believe that he would be ok making his mother this stressed. You need to get him 1:1 (I think the partner will be a distraction) and discuss this untenable situation. your son options are to live at home subject to rules and contributing to the house cleaning, rent, etc as you determine, OR he figures it out himself. you need to enforce this as a full and permanent requirement; if he fails to do that he will be asked to leave, no excuses. Your son has apologised and that’s a good step but he needs to demonstrate the action along with it.

you can then work with your partner in rebuilding that relationship, if you want to. If he’s just another person to clean up after then perhaps you’d prefer not to, but only you know that relationship. IMO Your partner does need to acknowledge the apology but also needs to give you and son space to figure out those arrangements. Your partner should also perhaps realise that he himself is a little hypocritical if he isn’t contributing or cleaning too.

for your ND child, trying to build or maintain whatever routine you can will be key, but this will be disrupted somewhat into summer holidays anyways.

I really feel for you OP- it’s such a lot but you need to unpick and address each of these topics sequentially and give time for the behaviour to actually bed in…

Your son has no respect. I’d ask him to leave, remind him hes had plenty chances, he takes things without asking, lies, breaks house rules and damages furniture so he can go do that somewhere else.

Once he’s learned how to behave hes welcome to stay over and prove it. But until then he can hand his house key back and go to his gf’s house.

Does he have a source of money to pay for himself?

Your son sounds awful, I'm sorry to say. Completely disrespectful and careless. Either he completely changes his behaviour and stops wrecking your house expecting you to clean up after him, or he goes. He will never learn consequences if you just clean up after him.

He has never had the discipline of looking after his things, putting glasses back, doing washing, etc. presumably because you always pick up the slack. He doesn't seem to care if he smells, but most people don't like being around actual slobs so there should be some natural consequences coming his way eventually! He's an adult now (with a girlfriend somehow?! Is she completely shielded from his disgusting ways?) and absolutely must contribute to the house and not actively make your life worse.

The relationship with your husband sounds complex and you haven't really gone in to it. Only you can know if you want to stay with him, bit it sounds like he is your younger son's dad and unless there are major issues or abuse I would maintain that relationship and focus on fixing or removing your son first. Of course you don't want to ruin your relationship with your son, but you at least need to get him to see that he is damaging your property and stealing from you and this is unacceptable.

I hope you get a reprieve from this, but there are no easy paths out of this now. Another thing I would pursue is a diagnosis of depression, ADHD or autism in your older son because he doesn't sound like he is coping with life and there must be a deeper reason.

Thank you. I’m crying because you haven’t judged me. I think the thing is that my son didn’t even really seem that sorry, I told him he should apologise. I don’t think partner will come while he’s here but hasn’t said as much. I want to go back to what we had because it feels so awful now but I do know that he also hasn’t been fair so don’t want to make rash decisions.

He had a part time job for a year after leaving college. A month ago I got cross and told him he should be working full time so he did get a full time job but it’s agency and not stable. I think he would struggle to pay bills, he isn’t the smartest, I’ve paid for all his driving lessons and his test is in 6 weeks, Thag would have helped with what jobs he can do as he relies on buses / push bike, my partner was giving him his old car but that is unlikely now although I do think partner could only afford that car because he didn’t have rent or mortgage to pay but I suppose that’s beside the point.

There has been some depression so I think that has made me more lenient.

You should tell your son to move out. His behaviour is appallingly selfish and awful. His actions are ruining the atmosphere and environment your younger kids have to live in and they don’t have the option to go elsewhere!

It sounds like your relationship may be over even if your son goes but if you both want to try and rebuild it you both need to make changes including him tidying up more and not leaving the shit work all to you.

It’s an awful lot for you to deal with @Drowninginconfusion

i only wish you good things as you sort out which priorities are fixable and in what order you want to tackle them. I do hope you find your strength to not tolerate BS, but retain your own kindness. For example even if DS does have adhd etc, he can still behave appropriately. Similarly with DH.

there are no quick fixes here. Other PP seem to point to kicking DS out but it sounds like that will be temporary as he doesn’t have his own foundation yet with the driving / agency work etc so he’s likely to come back playing guilt card? If you give him the conditions, the tools and the responsibility then it’s on him what he does with it.

I'm going against everyone here but I know my own kids were so messy when they lived at home, they'd also have mates round and leave a mess, maybe im a soft touch but there's no way I'd be throwing them out, and I wouldn't stand for my partner who also doesn't pay any rent or mortgage to be dictating that they should be. maybe he needs to show a bit of respect and pay you some rent. he sounds a hypocrite, it's ok for you to clean up after him but not your own son. I'd be kicking him out

Thank you. I think my son has gone beyond mess and it actually is a huge problem and I am also maybe ready for him to go soon as he does make it uncomfortable. But I agree that kicking him out when the person I have been with also hasn’t made much effort with him, hasn’t paid mortgage / rent and hasn’t been the best partner to me is probably a bit hypocritical. I think I am going to guide my son towards saving to move out shortly and in the meantime clamp down on his untidiness, check his room every day etc.

I'm surprised at the responses here. I feel the DP is an aggressive, intolerant idiot. He shouts at the boy for making a mess, while making a mess himself? He needs to control his emotions or ship out. A year on eggshells in case he moans is utterly intolerable.

Thank you, I should have handled things differently but he’s acting like he never did anything wrong as a teenager - his Mum says differently! I think I I made the mistake of telling him I want to work it out so he thinks he has the moral high ground. I’m alternating between seeing my youngest two and wanting to make it work and then being angry that he can’t even see he’s lucky that he has a roof over his head thanks to me!

What a mess OP. I really feel for you

To be blunt, I'd telling DS he has to change immediately or go. And stick to it

DP I'd tell just to go. He sounds awful.

Thank you and I think you’re right: the problem is that I have said this to DS before, he has been making talk about moving in with his GF after the last time I said it so I think I will just have to be on top of him at all times until then and help guide him through that process. I know partner will act like he’s completely wronged and get nasty when he realises I can’t afford to pay for 2 homes and that I’m no longer asking him to come and work it out but I just have to stay strong.

None of these males seem to have to do anything. You go around clearing up their shit after them - no wonder they demonstrate zero respect! Why are you the one doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry? They’re grown adults.

I think you chuck them both out unless they step up and pull their weight - as all adults should do in a communal living arrangement. Give them two weeks to get their heads around it and step back. Don’t serve. Only do your own stuff. See what they do, see how much they really care.

You’ve got to make a stand otherwise what role models are your younger children growing up with?

Do the right thing for your son - time he left your home and grew up.

Do the right thing for YOU - tell DP to go as well.

I know partner will act like he’s completely wronged and get nasty when he realises…

wow.

I think getting rid of this nasty piece of work ought to be your priority.

If nothing else, being rid of him will allow you to focus on your relationship with your son, and hopefully repair it. Also, it cannot be healthy for your younger children to be exposed to their father’s nastiness.

I’ve had teenagers living at home and I know it can get really difficult. My heart goes out to you. It’s not you, it’s not your fault.

My eldest was really difficult. He was hanging around with a bad crowd, he was smoking weed at home, even though he’d been repeatedly warned not to. His room was a pit. He was bringing girls back for sex. So I told him to leave. He spent a few weeks sofa surfing and this was when it got really difficult for me. I almost had him back but I stayed firm. Eventually he found a flat, which he shared with two others. Well, what a turnaround that was. He kept his room nice and would moan to the others to tidy up.

You have to tell him to leave @Drowninginconfusion and you have to stand firm. It’s the only thing you can do.

I would tell your partner to go and that the gravy train stops there as well. You don't need to keep funding his lifestyle. I would also tell my son he had to go and to be honest I wouldn't let him come back. I think when he's living full-time with his girlfriend she'll get fed up of him but he needs to know that coming back as an option and that he has to make sure he behaves with his girlfriend. You and your other children deserve a happy home.

Is your son also neurodivergent like your other child? I have ADHD and Autism and I was like this as a teenager. I lived on my own from 18 but it was incredibly hard and I was probably 14/15 mentally.
How is he doing academically and is he working? He might not realise why he struggles so much with the simple things. It took me a long time to understand myself.

Tell your husband you have had time to reflect and recognise the relationship is over. Tell him you’ll be in touch to discuss when he needs to vacate the property for you to sell it. When he protests he has no where to live you can tell him he has had the opportunity to save since he’s not paid rent and is currently living rent free so he can put the money towards renting his own property. If he backtracks on the relationship being over tell him what you have realised is that you really needed a partner who was firm but fair and who modelled sharing the load and tidying up after themselves, not a very cross one. Tell him you look forward to sharing more of the load in relation to childcare now as he’ll be doing some overnights etc and you’ll finally get a lie in.

In relation to your son you should tell him you’re now at zero tolerance. Set out your expectations VERY clearly and say that you’ll review your living arrangement on a week by week basis. The first sign of him taking the mick and he gets a week notice to get out and then you MUST follow through. While you might feel bad about this you’d likely be doing him a favour in many ways if you want him to be an adult who takes responsibility and isn’t unbearable to live with.

“he has been making talk about moving in with his GF”

And how does he manage there, OP? I can’t think he continues with his entitled, slovenly behaviour otherwise the GF would get fed up and throw him out. Does the GF live with her parents, or is she independent? Either way, I can’t think he’s wasting food and hoarding milk bottles at her house, so if he can manage to clear up after himself there, he can manage at home. If you’re paying for his driving lessons, you’ve got some leverage, especially if he wants to drive, Tell him that you are happy to pay for driving lessons, but in return the very least he can do is to keep his room in some sort of order, and that includes bedclothes on the bed, clothes hung up, dirty clothes put to the wash and any plates and cups returned to the kitchen. You will have to police this, OP, and I know that it’s easier said than done and how it can lead to conflict, but your DS does need to take responsibility for himself.

I agree with a previous poster who also asks whether everything is ok with your son as while I get teenagers might be messy this sounds very extreme and like he struggles with day to day life and understanding basic tasks like putting things away and even washing. You mention depression, is he still on medication for this?

Does the gf not notice him smelling or think anything of the mess of his room when she comes over? Where does she live if he says he will move in with her? Is she older/or have her own place or does she live with parents? If so does he do this when he stays with her or can he get his act together when with someone else?

I do think some tough love is needed. You have covered up for him for so long he has learnt that he doesn't need to bother sorting things himself as mum will do it. I think you need to set a deadline to sort things out and explain to him if he was living with housemates his behaviour would be unacceptable and not tolerated. If he cannot change by the deadline then I would ask him to leave.
Your partner also sounds incredibly unhelpful in the situation which is a separate issue.

Does your son have any diagnosis of ADHD or ASD? He doesn't sound like the worst son in the world. I wouldn't be kicking him out.
I've always had trouble being tidy my mum used to scream at me and fling everything and I just couldn't do it.

Men with teenage boys can be knob heads it's like a power struggle sometimes and you are in the middle. Ex sounds sulky.
Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you, I think maybe there’s some ASD but never diagnosed as I didn’t really see it until very recently. He is very quiet and barely talks to us so there’s not much of a relationship to be honest, of course I still love him. Ex is a prick tbh but I do see why he is angry about his things being broken. I think really they’re two separate issues that I need to deal with separately. I’ve decided to help my son to move out, help him financially as best I can and give him some advice but certainly not kicking him out so to speak and if it takes a few months so be it. Ex, I’m not sure, he doesn’t seem to want to make it work and to be honest I think I’m okay with that, I’m not going to tell him that son is going to move out because he’ll likely then start saying he wants to work it out etc and I think that what my son did isn’t enough to be never speaking to him again, removing him from his family plan that doesn’t cost extra, ignoring his texts and refusing to enter a house that he’s in. I gave him the option to speak to my son together and lay ground rules and see how reparations can be made and he wasn’t interested so that’s up to him. Let’s hope his next partner doesn’t have any children or that they’re perfect. The irony is our youngest son is HARD work and any new partners will likely struggle with him so he can deal with that when the time comes and maybe 10 years down the line he might realise that he was being unfair. He hasn’t asked me to choose between him and my son but the truth is that’s what he’s doing and I think it’s pretty low. He hasn’t murdered or hurt anyone! He barely goes out on a night out, I dread to think what ex would have been like if he had been a typical teenager staggering in at all hours, he has never once back chatted him etc. I’m not excusing his behaviour just realising as I type that it isn’t the worst situation.