AIBU to just walk away?

[Drowninginconfusion]

This is long and I’m sorry, I’m exhausted and confused and I need some objective views please. Please don’t bash me, I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t take anymore negativity.

i have two older children from 1st partner and two from current partner. Eldest has left home, son (19) still at home but spends lots of time with his girlfriend and stays over.

My relationship with my current partner hasn’t been brilliant to be honest, I could go into detail but I’m not sure it is really relevant. However, he gave me a reason to not trust him twice (not cheating) and he has never managed to get up with our children amongst other things. I have made some mistakes though and I know that.

The problem is my son has been disrespectful for quite some time. He isn’t openly disrespectful, I mean he doesn’t answer back etc but it’s things like the following. He is exceptionally messy, his bedroom is disgusting. I don’t know where I went wrong really because the eldest was exactly the same and we had to have a huge tidy when she left. I’ve been into my sons room for maybe the last 6 years and every time I go in it is bad. So I clean it with him, I buy new bedding etc and get very upset / angry with him about it but nothing seems to change. I have cried the last twice I’ve had to help him do it but he doesn’t seem to have any emotion about seeing me that way, I’ve asked if he resents me in some way but he just says no. I think everyone’s idea of bad is different so in order to give context he has broken almost every piece of furniture I put in there (says he fell into it etc), he smashed his light switch (some years ago now) he had bottles of wee in his bedroom (not this latest time I went in but not that long ago!) he had close to 50 empty (some not 🤮) milk bottles in his room this time (today) it has taken me and him all day to get about half of the work done and I think it will take all day tomorrow. The mattress needs setting on fire but when I bought it 3 years ago I put him a mattress protector on, none of the bedding was on the actual bed. I ask him every time he comes home for some washing and he gives me about 5 things but today when we went in there were piles of clothes that need washing - the last time we tidied his room I put a clothes rail in (he had broken his wardrobe) so he could definitely have had more things hung up (only 3 things were and there’s room for maybe 20 items). I found something that belongs to my partner in a drawer that he never asked to borrow and partner has been asking me if I’ve seen and I said no and partner has had to replace them (£20) I’ve asked my son not to take things without asking many times. In the past we’ve gone to use a tin opener, a pizza slicer and a bottle of mayo that we always have in the fridge and he’s taken it with him to college / work / girlfriends etc despite being asked not to. I found lots of glasses today and I feel stupid because when partner says ‘we’re low on glasses’ and son says he doesn’t have any I’ve got defensive when really he was taking the mickey and I should have known! He leaves a mess - protein powder spilt on the sides, he never gets the right recycling bins for things despite me sending him a photo of which bin is used for certain things and reminding him, I don’t think he cares. He says the right thing when I mention it ‘sorry’ etc but never changed. He is always sweaty and refuses to take off his hoodie even though he smells bad, I tell him he smells but he insists on wearing a hoody even in this heat. Last year he had some friends around without asking while we were away and I came back to a mess, bread in my cutlery drawer and behind a photo hung in the way, ketchup smeared on my sofa, some of my partners sports equipment got damaged and my son still wouldn’t admit what had happened for a few days. I told him there and then that he was going to be asked to leave if he continued his disrespectful behavior, he went for a few days but it was his 18th birthday and I said he could come home because it felt awful. Things have been awful since then, my partner was very very angry about people being in the house and his things getting damaged and he clearly still hasn’t gotten over it. This last few days my son decided he was coming home from his girlfriends but it was 11.30pm at night when he got back which is annoying because it feels disrespectful when he could easily have been back earlier (he had a problem with his push bike but there’s always a problem if you know what I mean) he was wet through with sweat and left a cereal bowl in the sink for me to wash even though we hadn’t seen him for 5 days. He always come down to eat at 10.30pm even though I’ve asked him not to cook that late at night, he’ll mostly try and have cereal but every now and again he’ll nuke something in the air fryer and it makes the kitchen stink before bed and it drives me mad. This sparked a conversation with me and partner about him not caring that my son was struggling on his bike and all the feelings he had about what happened last year clearly resurfaced, I asked if he wanted to break up and he said yes. He asked me if I wanted to and I said yes.

I know that I haven’t helped this situation, I have been on eggshells for over a year, going into the kitchen when he’s been in there tidying around after him (still reminding him to do it himself but not wanting OH to hear so he doesn’t get pissed off) going into the house before my partner and two youngest to quickly put things away that he’s left out (he has got slightly better), buying things he eats a lot of so that partner doesn’t get annoyed when they’ve all gone. Basically we should have sat downs with son together and laid strict ground rules and warned him of the consequences if he didn’t stick to them. The problem is I think my partner has been too strict about some of the issues so that hasn’t helped. Food for example when son was at college shouldn’t have really been an issue in my opinion but now I can see that my son does cook more than he needs and wastes food, half a gallon of ketchup down the sink after each meal etc and at 19 it’s a bit much.

I have left with my son and our two younger children, I own both homes but obviously my partner should have somewhere to stay so he is in the other house although I need to put it on the market soon. One of our children is autistic and is really struggling, we’ve only been gone two nights and he’s asking to go to the other house - he is like this when we go on holiday so I know if I took him there with his Dad he would cry for me and his sister so the change in routine is an issue, his Dad starts work at 8 so couldn’t drop him at school either. Their Dad had them earlier and wouldn’t come in when he dropped them off because my son was here. That is obviously very different to what the younger two are used to and it’s awful for me and them. My son did text my partner (well ex really) and say that he’s sorry about the mess, that he didn’t realise how bad it was and that he’s sorry about what happened last year and that he wants to make it better. My partner didn’t respond and clearly is still angry and doesn’t want to be around my son.

I don’t know what to do. Would other people be asking a 19 year old to move out in these circumstances? He could go to his girlfriends I’m sure but obviously we all know he would struggle with paying rent etc. I also don’t want to damage my relationship with my son forever which I fear it would but honestly I have told him at least 3 times that if he didn’t make sure his room didn’t end up in that state then he would have to contact his Dad or find somewhere to go (no contact with Dad for last couple of years) my relationship with my partner isn’t brilliant but I don’t want another broken family, my youngest son is beside himself because it’s all so alien to him. I really feel quite depressed and like I wish I didn’t exist but I could never leave the two youngest so won’t do anything silly.

I have said to my partner via text that I don’t think k he is in the wrong to be angry and that I would like to make it work and talk to eldest together about what we expect and deal with him together rather than it being just me, I would genuinely accept my partner shouting son down to clean things up like a normal father son relationship but he never answers so I think for now it is over. I would like to add here for a little fairness that my partner leaves quite a lot of mess for me as well so some of the things he says are slightly hypocritical but of course he pays bills. He has paid for my some phone contract for the last 10 years or so and yesterday he took him off the family sharing which felt brutal for some reason. Although I can see my faults with my eldest son, I do a lot for my partner, like I say he has never had to pay a mortgage or rent because I won my home, I cook for him, I do his laundry blah blah blah. He asks I gets hyper focussed on things which have had to listen to and anyone that has been around will know is exhausting. I don’t even know if any of this relevant but I don’t want him to come across as perfect.

If you got this far I am hugely grateful and please know that I can accept my own failings here, I just need to know what others would do or have done in similar situations.

Maybe I should just accept my relationship with my partner is over. I can still have my eldest son down here but my poor little one deserves his Dad here.

AIBU to ask son to leave?

I agree, I need to treat it separately. I think it’s time for son to go but won’t be kicking his out. I’ve decided to try and help him move out, give him advice and help financially as much as I can. Thanks x

@Drowninginconfusion no he won't have been the worst. He is not being fair on you and he has taken more from you financially. No room for a man child when there are teenage boys about. They don't set the best example.
Really feel for what you have on your plate. Have been through similar teenage goings on with son years ago and now with GS just doing WTF things now and again. But the financial climate is so hard for young people now it's not like 40 years ago when you could go and live in bedsit land and life was a party. There's drugs and gangs. Suicide and mental health. All things that bring more problems to your door than what you are doing right now.
You can decide how you want to play it. It's not easy. But it's family life really and hopefully he will sort himself out soon.
I used to clean for millionaires with teenage sons and there bedrooms could be pretty horrendous you've just reminded me of that era of my life.

I hope you can get sorted out soon for your sake and your children's.💐

Agree that your son sounds neurodivergent. He doesn't sound mature enough to live on his own and needs far more regular direction in keeping himself and his room together. Probably and likely highly anxious too.

"Nasty" DP goes first.

You might find that alleviates some of the issue with DS.

DS gets a choice, as he's now an adult. He can stay, and is welcome to, but there are conditions. You think about what these are and present them to him, he decides if he would like to live under your roof as an adult and accept them, or find alternative accommodation where he can live however he wishes.

50 empty milk bottles would take quite some time to accumulate. He needs some initial support to sort this out, but I feel getting some peace back into the house is paramount.

Thank you, I’ve decided that I’m going to speak to son and help him to move out gently. There are a couple of things I didn’t say about son on my original post because they were very outing but even if he is ASD I think it’s fine too far and it’s giving me anxiety. I pray he doesn’t resent me but he does have a Dad that he could go to if he was desperate and I think he would also have had enough of this behaviour a long time ago. If it takes a few months then that’s okay, I am going to be able to give him a little financial support and as for partner he is refusing to enter a house my son is in anyway so he kind of took the trash out himself haha. I do understand why he’s angry about things but he certainly hasn’t done any self reflection, it doesn’t help that he speaks to no one beyond surface level - work chat and so no one will ever offer him a different perspective or tell him he’s wrong etc.

Just a little update to everyone that has commented - I’m grateful!

So, son knew that the tidying of his room was a big job after we spent hours yesterday together doing it. I told him we would need to finish it today. I also explained that between school runs, walking the dog, running to the tip that there isn’t much time left really in the day. I also was very upset throughout the whole day. Son wasn’t working yesterday and isn’t working today. I texted him that I was going to go to the tip and come get him to help me move the stuff from my old house to my new one. It’s 12pm and over an hour since I text him and he hasn’t responded so clearly isn’t up! I will wake him when I get in but genuinely that is disrespectful isn’t it? On top of everything else! I’ve had enough, he is going to be asked to leave with advice and with some financial support but I’m completely done. At that age (well even earlier because I had left but I know times have changed) if my parents had been this upset and it was mostly my fault I would have had an alarm set but no he clearly isn’t that bothered!

as for partner he is refusing to enter a house my son is in anyway so he kind of took the trash out himself haha. I do understand why he’s angry about things but he certainly hasn’t done any self reflection, it doesn’t help that he speaks to no one beyond surface level

The trash took itself out….. yes, you said it.

thats great news - don’t let him back in!!

My adult son has ASD and doesn't work. I do everything for him. But he does bring dirty plates, glasses etc down. I suspect my son and possibly yours too has OPD. This manifests as your mind resisting things you need to do. The reason I suspect this is because I think I may have it myself. It's not just the normal reluctance to do something you don't like, it's the feeling when you force yourself to do it it makes you angry and sometimes emotional too.

You’re holding up the sky here - an adult DP who can’t get his shit together nor can he support you with your DS and a young adult who lives like a toddler. And you, scooping in behind them to sort everything out.

Whether your DS stays or goes, he needs to be told clearly that he needs to step up. If he won’t attend to his basic self care - including caring for his living environment - he needs to live somewhere else. While there may be some form of neurodiversity at play, he needs to be able to function in an adult world that frankly doesn’t care why he isn’t managing his own personal hygiene.

Your DP would also be binned in my world, he’s living at your expense, can’t pick up his own shit and then gives your adult child a hard time. Maybe his own gravy train needs to come to a halt. He needs to find his own place to live, and pay for that, arrange regular contact with his kids and let you live your life.

I'm sorry to read your update @Drowninginconfusion. I hope you can get sorted. It's not easy at all.💐

Thank you! It’s laughable some of it. I totally understand why he’s had enough of my son but he isn’t even asking to see his kids, he has a full house at his disposal with their beds in there and a massive TV I bought and the internet I pay for (I’m not saying he doesn’t pay for anything but the point I’m making is that the kids could definitely spend time there and be quite happy) he just plays the victim all the time, he believes that he’s lost his family because of my son. He believes he’s being punished but I think that most people, if he spoke to them would tell him that it’s not as bad as he is making it out to be and that there’s things he could have done better or could do to move forward but he wants to be angry instead. I think partly it probably it suits him not to have them because he can do his own thing and obviously children are hard work. I’m actually sleeping on the floor at the moment but I am the villain. He hasn’t actually said what he wants me to do because I think saying out loud ‘I want you to kick your child out’ would actually be a little too much even for him but ultimately by refusing to come into this house when he is here is what he is saying without verbalising. I’m just waiting for all the anger and the usual ‘I can’t use the things I bought down there’ - he can, he just hasn’t asked: ‘make sure you don’t let him damage my things’ - he doesn’t actually purposely damage any of his things, he scratched the non stick surface off the air fryer when he was 17 by using a fork, and then obviously his things did get damaged last year which I agree is bad. ‘I am not allowed to see my kids’ - I would be glad of the break and am secretly hoping he asks for them at the weekend but I’m certainly not going to keep texting and asking if he wants them.

With regards to my son, I have thought long and hard and think he needs to leave, I have spoken to him and it was awful but I have told him he needs to find somewhere to rent or buy with his girlfriend. Of course I talked about what all that would entail and I will help him however I can. I am not kicking him out and if it takes a little time then so be it but emptying his room today reminded me of all the warnings he has been given (holes in the wall I had to fill last time I sorted his bedroom that I had forgotten about etc) I also noticed something his ‘friend’ had done outside our home that he has done before that I was very upset about the 1st time and think is massively disrespectful and made very clear to son was never to happen again (it happened again last week but I didn’t notice until yesterday) it’s sort of similar to graffiti but doesn’t involve paint or ink but looks awful and the last one has lasted a year (has faded a bit) he did this in 5 minutes when he was waiting outside for my son. I know it isn’t my sons fault this happened but I can’t live with the fear that his friend will do this outside my new house because it’s such a specific thing and doesn’t look nice.

I just need to be strong to get through the next couple of months.

Thanks for the support.

You are correct and I have made mistakes. Partly to keep the peace because it’s awful when partner would find fault with son so I kind of went around fixing it before it became an issue. In my defense I did tell my son off and I would ask him to do it himself if we were alone or I would text him as a reminder. But I fully accept that I need to model the behaviour I expect and already have started doing this with the younger 2, making their own beds etc.

Your partner sounds like an arse. Don't go back to him.
You said your youngest is autistic. There's often more than one autistic person in a family. I work with Autistic people, many really struggle seeing mess and being able to keep things clean. A few always keep covered up in summer too and/or don't want clothes washed due to sensory issues.
I think your eldest could be autistic. If he is there are strategies to help him manage day to day life better. If you contact adult social care they may have some advice or services to offer.

My goodness me you poor woman,you put so much blame on yourself for everything,your so worth more than this.
I do think your depressed and rightly so you have so so much going on trying to make keep the piece,with 2 grown up men moving out with 2 younger ones,not to mention one with adhd/autism i dont mean this nasty hope you dont take it that way.
Firstly be proud of yourself moving out as that's not easy.
But you done the hard part now dont look back concentrate on yourself and 2 little ones take each day as it comes.
But kindly reminding yourself you count in life too.
Your husband dont ask him any more to work things out,because I personally dont think you mean it i think its more your so vulnerable with everythink your dealing with its just a habit of him being there,I do not feel he respects you one bit you need to start and love/like yourself find yourself.yes your son is appauling I mean sumthink not right weeing in bottles at his age thats discusting appauling the state of himself and his bedroom and personal hygiene,but this isnt anythink youve done wrong.
I'd sit him down try speak calmly about the way he is and ask him about any struggles hes having.
Im so suprisec his gf hasnt commented on his personal hygiene.
I wouldnt be throwing him out definitely not
I think hes really struggling with life theres sumthink not right here id definitely try speak with him.
Im not excusing his behaviour one bit but as a mum of 3 grown up boys well men now id never forgive myself that there maybe deeper issues with them nd id thrown them out.
I understand hos hard it must be for your younger children this change.
But you also need to cut yourself sum slack you poor woman man,your heads all over the place.
Let your hubby be hes a cheek to even comment on your son as he expects you to clean/cook live there rent free.
Make a list of priorities firstly your own happiness this man is playing mental mind games with you your so vulnerable which makes you feel very insecure what im trying to say in the nicest possiable way is you feel needy when your so down/depressed you feel you need him in your life,but you dont its one less thing to worry about,make your new home with your younger children a home yes its hard to start over i did after 30yrs,but I promise you youl get there just be kind to yourself.Take care i really do hope everything works out for youx

I feel so so sorry for you OP.
Am not sure if this is a particularly helpful comment - or even if anyone else has said this- but when I read the part about your son and the bottles of urine, and the empty bottles of milk I immediately wondered if your eldest son might be on the spectrum/not NT? It would also fit in with the gross disorganisation/inability to keep his room clean, his unwashed state/BO?
Not sure if he would be agreeable to being assessed but if this hunch turned out to be correct, he might be entitled to support services which in turn, might be helpful to you? It doesn’t sound like he is a malicious person just presenting in a deeply antisocial way.
As a parent of children who are all neurodivergent and presenting differently I have absolute empathy for you and how incredibly tough things are for you.
Sending you tons of empathy and hope. I appreciate how horribly tough things are for you right now. FWIW things have got hugely better for us as the children have grown up.

I pity the people he ends up living with. Whether that’s flatmates or girlfriends. He is basically everyone’s worst incompetent untrained smelly nightmare bloke. The subject of future MN threads.

@Drowninginconfusion
You son seems to have ADHD. Help him get the help/meds he needs otherwise he will have serious relationship problems in the near future and you will be stuck with adulting for him even in his 40s.