Keeping DH suprise secret from indiscreet MIL (advice pls!)

[FrodoBiggins]

Not exactly an AIBU because I really don't think IBU but advice would be welcome!

I'm planning a big trip for DHs upcoming big birthday. He loves Egyptian history so we're going there, also Jordan to see other historical sites, a short Nile cruise, etc. He knows we're going to Egypt (had to tell him for insurance, medical etc reasons) but we decided all other plans I'd keep secret (he loves surprises, I love planning 😂)

Problem is DHs mum. She's also into Egyptian history and has been with FIL. She keeps asking me what I have planned, what I've booked etc. Often in a (loud!) whisper when DH in room or when he's right outside.

I love this woman by the way. She's warm and kind and I've known her 20 odd years. She's like a mum to me too. But omg she can't keep a secret. Examples:

• SIL recent surprise birthday, we saw her the weekend before, MIL says as we all leave "oooh Katie we'll see you next weekend!!"

• previous surprise weekend away I planned for my DH in Edinburgh, he knew nothing, MIL couple of weeks before "ooo FrodoBiggins you'll both have to try some whiskey when you're up in Edinburgh!"

• only the other month, me and DH "we've just started watching X American sitcom", MIL "oh me and FIL are watching that we're on season 5" DH "don't tell us what happens!" MIL "oh don't worry there's nothing to tell! Nothing exciting happens until Z dies anyway".

This is tip of iceberg. She's revealed early news re pregnancy, ruined film endings, Christmas and birthday presents (even ones she's bought and wants to keep secret!). Can't tell her anything. She doesn't even realise she's doing it and we've given up trying to understand why.

Holiday is still ages away. So far I've managed it by just lying I haven't planned anything yet but that's not going to last, she'll also get anxious if she thinks I've planned nothing. I also don't really want her to go on about it in front of DH as it'll give him ideas about stuff I may (or may not!) be planning.

Any advice which might avoid upsetting her? I wish I'd just told her we were going to Spain now to throw her off the scent but DH told her the outline plan so I think it's too late 😭

Just keep repeating - booked lots of fun stuff or all the main sights or we're going to see the pyramids- a fair assumption

Just tell her you're keeping everything a surprise for everyone and that includes her.

Just don't tell her anything.

I quite like that as long as she doesn't think that means I'm taking her 😂

@Shoxfordian that sounds totally reasonable on paper but irl would just lead to more questions and worries that I had missed something 🙄

I'm not going to, the question is how to manage that.
Sample conversation:

MIL "oooh have you booked [whatever tour], are you thinking of going to [place]?"
Me: ...

I can't just sit there in silence! I see her loads btw, we have a good relationship and I can't (and don't want to) avoid her until this trip. She's really excited for DH which is lovely but I don't think she'll stop going on about it easily.

take her on one side and just say you want it to be a surprise for DH and she has a history of slipping up, so you have decided to not tell anyone anything.

It also allows DH to have the fun of surprising his Mum with what you did when he gets home

Just say yes to everything she says regardless of whether you've booked it or not

I'd just say in an over the top way
"Oooh I can't possibly tell you - my lips are sealed!!" and a big smile and exaggerated wink or finger over the lips.
And repeat!

I have booked various things but want it to be a complete surprise for everybody that way dh can tell you where we are going when we go

Just keep saying “I’m not telling anyone anything. I want to make sure it’s a surprise…”

This is what you say.
MIl I love the bones of you and your son. I have booked epic things for your darling son. I am not going to tell you the exact details as I don’t want you having to keep secrets from your son, and I want it all to be a surprise for him.

and just keep repeating that !🙏

Yes, keep it simple and non accusatory.
You're telling no one!!

I put YABU- because you should stop telling her information! If she can't keep her gob closed, she doesn't deserve to know the details. If she has some sort of cognitive issue and can't remember its a secret or has dementia etc- that is one thing, but also all the more reason to keep it vague and give no specifics.

You have shown multiple examples where she has forgotten or doesn't care its a secret, yet you keep feeding her info! WHY? You can't complain when she spoils your surprise yet again OP!

Jesus! I’d tell her you’re not telling her as she can’t keep her gob shut!

Good advice here. Failing all that tell her you want her to be part of the fun so you're not going to tell her because when you get back you're going to show her your photos and see if she can guess where you've been!

Maybe say DH has been trying to get you to trip up and give him some hints, so you’re not telling anyone incase he starts trying to winkle it out of her next.

If she asks you questions, just say to her "you know I can't discuss it". On repeat. She'll get bored eventually.
And remember, she doesn't need to know and she has no right to know!

I don’t have a huge amount of advice, @FrodoBiggins, but your MIL and my ds3 are clearly related! Dh decided to take me on a Nile cruise for my 40th, and managed to keep it a secret even when we had to go for the extra inoculations we needed - and then ds3 spilled the beans one morning, on the way to school. In fairness, he was only 5 at the time - not an excuse your MIL can use! 😂😂😂

"I'm not telling you because you can't keep a secret. Don't ask me again"

And if she gets upset give her the examples you've put here

Id she says “have you booked…..?”

just say “MIL. I love spending time with you and cannot wait to share what we do with you but I don’t want to talk about Egypt as DH will get an idea and it’ll ruin the surprise”.

Them after that if she starts “have you booked …..” just finish for her with completely outrageous answers

“the plumber? Oh yes but I keep telling DH to sort his diet out as that will help”.

Holefully eventually she’ll be to scared to start asking for fear of the answer before she’s finished 😂

the old answer is still a goodie "MIL i could tell you but then I'd have to kill you"

I’ll let him tell you all about it when we get home?

Just have some stock phrases to hand that you repeat each time: 'I can't say anything MIL as DH is right there!' 'It's all booked MIL but I can't say anything as it's a surprise for DH' 'I can't say anything MIL as I have to keep the surprise for DH' 'It's all in hand MIL and can't wait to tell you all about it when we get back' and repeat ad infinitum. DO NOT tell her anything as you know she'll spoil it.

Just tell her your keeping it a total surprise from everyone

This. I think it's reasonable to make her aware that you're not just being mean, it's her own fault that you're having to do this