Visiting MIL

[ArtfulPearlSeal]

DP's Mum always makes us feel guilty if we don't go visit her at least once a week. She is in her 70's, but DP and I have 2 DD's under 3, and both work full time, so it feels like getting out to do anything is a struggle at the minute. DP has 3 other siblings, and all make sure to phone at least once a week, but even if we do, MIL gets annoyed and makes us feel guilty because we didn't visit. AIBU to just take one weekend a month to get on top of housework, go shopping etc and not go see MIL with the kids? Other sibling visit when they can, as do grandkids with great-grandkids, so it's not like she doesn't get to see anyone.

Can she not visit you instead ?

Of course yanbu.
Ignore her.
See a lot less of her.
Send him to see HIS mother with your children.
People who try to guilt you should be rewarded by seeing a LOT less of you.

Choose NOT to be guilted.

Of Course YANBU.
I'd be firm with her, tell her that you are to busy to be there every weekend.
You have a life and will be doing what you need.

…she can’t “make you” feel guilty, you are choosing to feel guilty. The only thing you can do is change in this scenario, is your reaction to her behaviour, choose to react differently.

@Rattai She could visit, she just doesn't.
She has maybe been here to see DD1 twice, and not once since DD2.

DP could take the kids to see her while you get on top of stuff?

Then use

Well you come to us next, we're going to alternate from now and we'll be having a week free.

But I'd have 2 weeks free.

No you’re not unreasonable at all. Every week is a lot. I get on well with my mum and my MIL and enjoy spending time with both, but wouldn’t visit either every weekend and they wouldn’t expect me to, we have young kids too, we have friends, we have stuff to do. How long does she expect you to stay?

@BuffaloCauliflower At least 2-3 hours each time.

@Hollowvoice We tried that, but DD2 just screams the entire time if it's just one of us. MIL doesn't like hearing the baby cry, but still wants us to stays wants us to quieten her quickly.

Why cant your partner go with the children?

MIL is just going to have to grow up and realise her wants are not you or her son’s priority especially when you have two young children.

If she can’t be arsed to visit your home, why should you all prioritise her?

She’s not alone as you say and you and her son both work.

Don’t allow her to guilt you when she can’t be bothered to visit.

Why though, to want a weekend at home where you both concentrate on the house instead of one of you being landed with it all is not a lot to ask

And what does your DH say about this? Is he a Mama's boy who insists that you must go visit her or does he agree with you that you also need some weekends to yourselves?

Tell her that babies don't have an on/off switch or volume control. It sounds like the visits are a pain in the arse that no-one enjoys. I wouldn't bother visiting any more than once a month.

@Ilovelifeverymuch He agrees with me, but feels pressured by his mum to go see her.

Why can't the siblings take it in turns?

You need to break the habit. She’s used to you coming every week. It will be hard at first but you have to do it.

Do what’s best for you but maybe dh can go alone now and again she’s getting old so she probably wants to see you more but if it’s not doable tell her. Or make it fortnightly you cannot keep going if you’re struggling with your own family life.

Every week? It’s too much. I think once a month and invite her to yours once a month as well. Does your DH call her often? Can he face time her with children?
I don’t think she is fair and understandable in her demands so I wouldn’t reason in many details, just say that it’s tricky to do with 2 little ones and stuck to your guns.

Ime it’s better to put some reasonable boundaries now otherwise the expectations will only go higher and it will lead to conflicts.

I would just say “hi MIL, the kids aren’t feeling 100% this week so not up to a trip to yours but feel free to come over to ours around 2pm on Sat if you’d like to see us. Just let us know if you’re coming”. Job done!

if she moans/questions it just say “as we said before the kids aren’t up to it this week but you’re welcome over here if you like - totally up to you.”

Healthy adult relationships, including with our parents, should not be based on guilt and obligation.

My MIL also has form for having expectations and trying to make us feel guilty for not meeting them (and in fairness to her, we do see a lot less of her due to distance and also probably also due the complicated relationship we have - I have just "dropped the rope" the last couple of years). But it really really doesn't make me want to visit, I'm middle aged myself and don't respond well to being "told off" for not going to visit like I'm a child.

I've started reading a book recently called the Let Them Theory, wonder if it might be useful for you too - it's largely about not giving other people control over our lives, and how we can't control others either... Only how we respond to them. You get to make the decisions for your own life, and you don't need validation from her or from us to do so.

Your milk can visit you.
You have a massive workload and expecting you to travel every weekend is unreasonable

Well it's good that at least he agrees with you, the onus is on him to learn to push back against his MIL and set boundaries.

If I were you I would make my stand that xx weekends is for us and be firm and he can deal with his mother.

As others have said she can only guilt trip you if you allow her to, push back, set firm boundaries, be firm and over time she will realize you mean business.

Put your foot down with your husband. He can tell her she's welcome to visit you next time (she won't, problem solved).