50/50 custody for shift workers

[Purpleturtle43]

My friend is going through a divorce with 3 young children, he has just moved out but house not in a fit state for the children to stay yet.

He is adamant he wants 50/50 custody but works shifts which change every week and he has no family support. Currently he is expecting her to work 50/50 custody around his shifts which he often gets at short notice and can frequently change. He has spoken to his boss and this best they can do is give him 2 set days off a week but he could be on a late shift the night before or an early the day after those 2 days so only can guarantee to have the kids on the same day ibe night a week.

I think he either has to look for a new job or admit that he can't do 50/50 with his current set up as it's not fair on her to never be able to make plans for herself or for the kids in case he is off. She is a teacher and also doesn't seem to to realise 50/50 also means during the school holidays.

She doesn't want to go to court but I think he is leaving her with no other option as he is being so stubborn. He is also crap at communicating with her, part of the reason they are getting divorced. Any experience of what courts expect in this situation would be good?

She shouldn’t accept that because that’s one way he can control her and hold all the cards. He will always be able to change plans and blame it on “work” when he knows she has plans . She will never be able to move on coz he will make sure he will ruin it for her and tell her it’s “work” shifts that have changed and she will be tied to jumping when he says jump .

Nope he needs a new job or not have the kids so much or he sorts childcare for his time having them .

Absolutely No. Your friend should not accept this. He needs a new job. Or he needs to arrange childcare when he's working.

I’d go to court over that. I do 50/50 with my ex and it’s fine because we are both reasonably flexible and work together for the good of the children / communicate. Working random shifts as nd wanting 50/50 is ridiculous. How is she meant to work/ plan childcare. It’s really stressful for children to not know what they are doing.

I think this is one of those times when meditation of some sort is going to be needed. Either actual meditation or through the courts. Or they could consider a trial period of 50/50 on set days. So if his schedule means he’s working those days, he needs to arrange childcare, including overnight for the children while they’re with him. Without family support that will be expensive and nearly impossible practically speaking.

I do know a family who manage 50/50 and shift work quite amicably with 4 children. BUT they have two very involved sets of grandparents (one of whom probably have them as much as either of their parents do), one of them has a partner who can help out in an emergency, and their eldest is 17 and can babysit or do the school runs sometimes.

He needs to be reliable so either change his job to do 50/50. Get around the clock Chuck care of sorts for his 50 or just not have 50/50.

He lost his easy life with wifey picking up the slack and working around him when they separated. She’s not his default or fall back without question anymore. He needs to plan his time.

My ex has a job which means he travels a lot nothing the UK and abroad and often at short notice. He had every other weekend and that was the best he could manage consistently. There is no way he could offer 50/50. He did try to swap and change his days, week by week but I wouldn't agree to it and he knew it wouldn't stand up in court so had to settle for EOW. It was either that or change his job, which he didn't want to do.

He’s an arse.

the kids stability is paramount.

He can’t do 50-50. Is he wanting to do 50-50 to avoid paying maintenance. He needs to change jobs yes, or just do 20% or so, as his job doesn’t allow for this. And yes, is he expecting her to have them all holidays as she is off anyway, as that’s not 50-50.

Loads of people work shifts some couples both work shifts,even single parents work shifts ,how fo you think they all manage?

Same as all the previous, she doesn't accommodate him to have 50/50. Ever......

He wants 50/50, he sorts childcare on his time.

I’m a nurse ex is a police officer, wouldn’t say manage, more juggle and stress, our kids are older now and he works from home and I’m in the community but during shift work it was awful especially being apart (even together it was a struggle) I couldn’t work early after his nights or if he was kept on I was stuck he did 4/5 shifts in a row etc my boss thankfully was really great but my shifts were set in stone and the next manager wasn’t as flexible with people. Def glad to have left and things are much easier. But 50:50 is never going to happen if he’s working those kind of shifts.

I’d assume the couples communicate sbout their schedules and where necessary arrange childcare and the single parent wiuld be reliant on some form of childcare.

If seperated it’s really hard to move on and develop a life it tied to short notice shifts of an ex who wants 50/50. How fo you book childcare or after school clubs or organise uour own work if you don’t know when they are with you?

I don't know, that's why I am asking. I am guessing they have set shifts around each other or family support.

When I was married I did accommodate my ex's work schedule. That's what a spouse does, inconveniences themselves sometimes to help their partner. I am now no longer a spouse, so I don't behave like one.

Theres a few of my colleagues work shifts and do 50/50. Everyone of them has had to go onto a work plan

What's a work plan?

It’s not the 50:50 that’s the issues, the key issue is that he expects to have the DC only when he isn’t working.

50:50 means he needs to arrange and pay for childcare cover in his time. She can offer 50:50 in a variety of patterns since as week ok week off, 334 pattern etc Want she doesn’t agree to is it working around his shifts.

She can offer to do additional overnights to accommodate his shifts BUT not as swaps and then by default it’s no longer 50:50 is it.

Flexible work plan. So they do the same hours just spread over different days

She shouldn’t have to work around his work schedule. If he has the two days off a week, set and agreed in advance, he’d need to find about another 75 days to be 50/50.

He could do that with booking his A/L and taking parental leave. Although the parental leave would reduce his income quite substantially.

Equally, how much does it matter to her to go with his schedule? If she’s working full-time then it doesn’t make a huge difference if has them Tuesday night or Wednesday night so, in her position, I wouldn’t have an issue purely from a point of principle.

It matters a lot, she works part time and her life has revolved around his shifts for a long time and now, quite rightly, she wants to be able to make her own plans in advance. She also wants stability for the kids so they know where they are going and when.

I think she’s going to need to go to court. He’s being completely unreasonable, the kids need to be able to make plans, have hobbies etc. And yes, 50:50 has to include half the holidays. Full days, not just the time around his shifts.

She also needs to be able to work herself. So if she’s part time she needs to be able to plan childcare and/or her working pattern around when he has the children.

And that’s absolutely fair. If it makes no odds then I’d always recommend a parent try to accommodate the other for the benefit of the children, but if it does matter then it does, and it’s not her job to fix things for him.

Thing is it’s of no benefit to the children to never know where they are coming and going to.

Children all children let’s be honest thrive on routines and structure.

Never knowing if you are at mums or dads or being able to plan to go to a mates because you never know what house you’ll be at or only one parent lets you go to parties. Is not beneficial to the child.

Friend does 50:50 with shifts. Her ex is happy enough. She sends him her rota each month when she gets it with suggested split for each week. They both pay for breakfast club and afterschools full time incase needed with 50% split of cost.
He appreciates she needs to keep working and its her job. So they make it work.