My dad hurt my son

[CleverQuacks]

I really need some advice. It’s quite a complex situation. I have 4 children. My 10 year old has autism and other learning difficulties. He portrays very challenging behaviour and can lash out (not hurting people but throwing things, shouting etc). This is particularly difficult at the moment as his school placement has broken down and he isn’t in school so has no routine and is bored. We are fighting the council about this (a whole other post).

Anyway we were at my parents house today because it is my daughter’s birthday and we were having a bbq. It came time to leave and my son becomes distressed (transitions are difficult). He was shouting and throwing things. I was standing in the door to the room he was in and talking calmly. He then went to throw a small plastic children's chair so I stepped in to remove it. My dad then came behind me, grabbed his arm and twisted it, causing him to fall sideways onto the bed next to him. He also cried out in pain. I told my dad to leave the room, which he did. I calmed my son and we came home.

I am in bits that my father hurt my son. Growing up my dad was the most gentle man. Never laid a finger on me and rarely shouted. Ironically he also used to look after adults with special needs so he should understand!! I have noticed he is getting more short tempered as he is getting older (65) but never thought this would happen.

I need to protect my son but at the same time I am scared of losing my main support network. I am a single parent with complex mental health difficulties with no friends so my parents and my sister are all I have.

How do I manage this? I feel so broken

I think you need to talk to your dad. Say this, dad you hurt "OP son" and I'm worried why?

Maybe he saw him about to throw a chair and overreacted attempting to remove a missile? Maybe he meant to use a hold to diffuse him but misjudged it? Maybe he was worried he would hurt you or your other children and just reacted too quickly?

To a casual observer the facts are sons behaviour has been worse recently, he was going to throw a reasonably large item that could hurt someone. Dad saw you go to get it, grabbed his grandson. When grandson cried he let go. And when you asked for space to deescalate he gave it.

I dont think this was great but i also think the injury could have been an unintentional incident. But it's reasonable you're upset. Your dad's been your support system for years so for me the obvious thing is talk to him and reaffirm boundaries for handling DS

Hi there I am so sorry for you, I can imagine how torn you must feel.
Could you start by having a conversation with your dad?
The way you describe him it might be worth finding out how all this came together. Maybe he feels just as torn. Maybe there is more going on.
Good luck to you, hold strong.

My first thought going from what you’ve said was that your dad reacted on instinct because he thought that his baby(you) were going to get hurt. It’s a difficult situation OP.

Thank you for your replies. I will need to have a conversation with my dad but just wanted other opinions first so I know what I am saying.

There is just this niggling feeling in my gut that he meant to hurt/frighten my son and I am a firm believer that you don’t parent children with fear.

If your dad is usually gentle towards children then I would think he was attempting to remove the risk of your child hurting you but had gone in too heavy handed. 10 year olds with Learning Disabilities/Autism can be incredibly strong, your dad may have just reacted to fear that someone was going to be seriously injured.

Hi OP. This sounds really tricky for you. but also think this kind of behaviour is really hard to see for other people when it's not your child especially when that behaviour is affecting your actual child, you. I think give him a second chance before saying anything, I don't think you'll regret that.

I think its much more likely DS is getting bigger and stronger and he was about to throw something largish at you and on instinct he tried to protect you and maybe was just too strong/forceful.

He let go when your son was hurt and gave you space when you asked for it.

I think he just moved to fast and either overestimated DSs strength and resistance or underestimated his own. But id talk to him to understand and agree how to respond firmly but gently in future

Your son was throwing a chair in GP’s house with other people around
I think your Dad responded by instinct.
What happens when your son gets older & stronger ? He can smash up anything or anyone …
Your son should apologise to his Grandfather

I agree, however I also have a son who can have these outbursts albeit he is 7. I have accidentally hurt him before and felt awful but it's been grabbing him tos top him throwing a chair or last week he went to lash out at my 3 yr old in the buggy, I threw my arm in front of him and he headbutted my elbow.

We used to have a lot of throwing and hitting and we always immediately stop, remove items, remove child and stay with them. Throwing and hitting can't be allowed to happen. You need to find strategies to manage this and your child's behaviour.

If he's deliberately hurt him as punishment my answer would be very different

Perhaps a different view given my family’s experience of this but.. i am wondering if your child cried in shock at landing on the bed, or being prevented from throwing the item? As your son gets older he will have more ability to throw larger objects or cause harm - you and those around you will need some strategies around this.

I would calmly try to both get the facts and determine what to do in similar situations. Eg ‘Dad - I was a little upset after yesterday. Clearly DS behaviour is worsening and I am anxious he could hurt himself or others. Could you explain what your intentions were and let’s see if we can agree an approach that might work better?’ Do you have any SENCO support around moving/handling/ deescalation/distraction?

I wouldn't ignore your instincts, but I would also keep in mind that he may not be able to judge the danger as accurately as you do with your son, or be as experienced in reacting calmly. You will get more information for those instincts as you talk it through with him, and will either feel more confident in your niggles or more reassured. If he was actually trying to frighten him he will struggle to come up with a different explanation. It might well be appropriate to raise his experience with caring for vulnerable adults but I'd do it carefully and let him do most of the talking as though you're simply curious to understand. Was he trained in restraint and was typically dealing with bigger and stronger people? Or was he left to muddle through in unsafe situations? If you yourself are not trained in safe holding you may actually want to be, before your child gets bigger and this is something where you can include people in your support system.

You say that your dad was a good parent. I agree with others - he saw a male child about to do something violent and went into protective/ stop-that mode. So please cut him some slack here.

In his position, I'd be worried that my DD was raising a son, soon to be a teenager ( my teenage DGS is over 6 foot and built) who hasn't yet learned self control.

Edited to add: talk to him, recruit him as an ally.

What will you say when your son beats you to the chair and throws it and it hits you? What will you do in a couple of years time when he is bigger and stronger than you? Autism isn't an excuse, he's old enough not to throw things and to remove himself from a situation when he can't handle it.
I think your dad wanted to avoid anyone getting seriously hurt.

This.
He can't just expect no consequences. Your dad was protecting you.

Your dad came in to see someone about to hurt you and restrained them.

If he is normally calm and gentle then it does come across as he was trying to protect you.

I have a child with autism and I have absolutely grabbed his arm and moved it behind his back to prevent him lashing out at his siblings. He may not be able to help lashing out but I do have the responsibility to keep the others safe from harm.

I think you should be more worried about your sons behaviour then your dads response

I’m thinking along the same lines as this to be honest op. Of course you know him best and were there to read the situation but it doesn’t sound like purposely hurting kids is in your dad’s nature generally.

I suspect the problem is in those moments of impulsiveness when dysregulated previous consequences rarely change the outcome. It's gradually learning to manage it.

Intent to hurt and intent to frighten are two different things.
I think frightening / shocking into pausing or stopping a harmful action in a safe way (sounds like this was fairly well calculated given your child landed on a bed) is sometimes necessary. Intent to maliciously hurt is clearly not. From time to time there may be scenarios where some physical overpowering done in a safe way may be needed, but this is not the same as intentional physical harm or hitting as a punishment.

Thank you for all your comments.

I know my son can’t be allowed to throw things forever but if anyone has any idea on how I can stop him? We have family support, paediatrician and CAMHS involved. We are trying our best.

I will talk to my dad. I need a few days to pull myself together and work out what I want to say.

I think it's more likely that your Dad used more force than necessary because he was in protective mode and the adrenaline was pumping rather than that he was trying to punish your boy. My learning disabled son can be violent and I know that my Mum really struggles when she sees him go for me. I have also occasionally found in defending myself or DD that I have inadvertently hurt him. Although he would also blame me if he hurt himself trying to attack me. Fortunately these episodes have become less frequent. Hope that things get easier soon and be kind to yourself

I agree with this. You need to be teaching your son what is acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable. Throwing a chair is not acceptable.

there is no point reprimanding my son whilst he is screaming and shouting cos he is so distressed that nothing goes in.

i am trained in restraint for work so on really bad outbursts I will hold him but I didn’t feel that was necessary this time.

once he is calm we always talk about how we could have managed it better and then he gets a consequence.

I don’t know any other way