My dad hurt my son

[CleverQuacks]

I really need some advice. It’s quite a complex situation. I have 4 children. My 10 year old has autism and other learning difficulties. He portrays very challenging behaviour and can lash out (not hurting people but throwing things, shouting etc). This is particularly difficult at the moment as his school placement has broken down and he isn’t in school so has no routine and is bored. We are fighting the council about this (a whole other post).

Anyway we were at my parents house today because it is my daughter’s birthday and we were having a bbq. It came time to leave and my son becomes distressed (transitions are difficult). He was shouting and throwing things. I was standing in the door to the room he was in and talking calmly. He then went to throw a small plastic children's chair so I stepped in to remove it. My dad then came behind me, grabbed his arm and twisted it, causing him to fall sideways onto the bed next to him. He also cried out in pain. I told my dad to leave the room, which he did. I calmed my son and we came home.

I am in bits that my father hurt my son. Growing up my dad was the most gentle man. Never laid a finger on me and rarely shouted. Ironically he also used to look after adults with special needs so he should understand!! I have noticed he is getting more short tempered as he is getting older (65) but never thought this would happen.

I need to protect my son but at the same time I am scared of losing my main support network. I am a single parent with complex mental health difficulties with no friends so my parents and my sister are all I have.

How do I manage this? I feel so broken

I also agree. You need to teach some consequences. It’s not his fault or yours about the challenging needs, but it’s not a get out of jail free card.

I post this link maybe once a week on this site, this organisation saved me and my DC. I’m sure they could help you, they are specialists and offer a different and imo much more helpful perspective/ parental coaching to deal with aggressive behaviour

https://capafirstresponse.org/how-neurodiversity-affects-child-to-parent-aggression/

I actually think your dad responded appropriately if your DC was about to throw a chair - he could have seriously harmed someone. Your Dad prevented that

Thank you. I will look at it

Hi

Apologies if this is inappropriate, but is it stinking hot where you are and was everyone just generally struggling? It's not an excuse, but could provide an opener to a conversation.

Not defending or excusing your Dad's actions, but it could be that he automatically / unthinkingly reacted to protect his daughter

Another website which might be helpful

https://www.newboldhope.com/

in the nicest possible way you need to better manage your sons behaviour, and make sure that all adults in the family are aware of how best to manage when he gets distressed.

ive been in your fathers position and while I’ve never put my hands on a child in the family, it’s really upsetting not knowing what best to do to prevent the risk of harm to them and or others

You are your dad’s child. And it was his house. He may have reacted to a pre teen child smashing it up and hurting you in the process.
This opens a conversation about what you are going to have to do when your violent child is too big to be restrained easily. Not easy op.

I think your Dad reacted on instinct, he saw your child about to throw a plastic chair, and you stepped in to try and stop your son. Your Dad saw his daughter potentially being hurt by a chair being thrown by his grandson. He grabbed your son, to stop him from hurting you, his paternal instinct kicked in, to protect you. You need to think about what strategies can be put into place to help your son. He's getting older, and he's also getting bigger and stronger. He clearly can't regulate his emotions and doesn't like it when something he's enjoying has to stop. You not only need to keep him safe, but equally yourself, your son's siblings but also other people. You need to talk to your Dad too.

I agree you don’t parent a child with fear but nothing in your post suggests this is what your dad is trying to do. Is it possible your own mental health issues you refer to are making you read more into this incident than you should? On the face of it this is a situation in which a caring man with based on your account a fantastic history of parenting steps in and slightly overreacts - nothing suggests active malice.

I appreciate this was probably very unpleasant but you have known your Dad your entire lifetime. If you know his character then I would be careful not to make a mountain out of a molehill.

I would gently explain that’s neither an acceptable or effective way to deal with your son’s behaviour.

If he repeats it then I’d have a more serious reaction.

If anybody else was at risk of harm then a physical reaction would unfortunately be appropriate.

Did you talk to your dad OP? Did things work out?