Is it normal not to have any meet ups or playdates or AIBU

[Redbrickhouse22]

DS is finishing his second year in primary school, while I try to be friendly im not close with any of the other parents except a quick nod hello in the morning, DS has gone to lots of parties and attends sports clubs during the week.
Ive just met up with of a few of my friends I know from outside of DS school and most have had regular playdates, sleepovers, take kids out from their childs class regularly and I suppose Im realising that we just dont have that relationship with any of the kids/parents from the class. AIBU to think its just bad luck/mix of certain parents or is it me? Im pretty sure some of the other kids have had playdates with each other though dont know the details. Just looking some perspective, DS is our first child so dont know what's normal these days

Have you asked any of his friends to go to yours for a playdate? My DDs in reception and she does go on play dates, but not loads yet. We have play dates at ours too.

My child goes to lots of parties but not many play dates as such. Maybe one or two a year? I dont think it’s unusual. He’s 9 now and only had one sleep over.

Do you have a casual WhatsApp group for school friends?
Its handy.

Ours for my 5 year old has about 10 of his friends parents in. It’s used mainly for ad hoc meet ups for everyone. Ie I might say today ‘ weather nice, I’m planning to take Ds to the park at 5.30pm when it’s not so hot if anyone fancies joining’. No pressure, no fixed meet ups at house, but a kind of open invite. Everyone does similar. So at various times we end up meeting a few for a swim, park, farm or whatever

My eldest did go to parties but it wasn't until at least year 2 that I managed to break into the mums and have someone to sit with and the occasional pub trip in a large group.

It wasn't until my 2nd started school that I properly found my tribe and a few of them are still my closest friends.

By the time my last one went I couldn't be arsed and some of my existing friends were in the playground with me anyway!

So it can take ages!

I'd have thought it was unusual but the girls do seem to have more playdates than the boys. Has he never asked for anyone to come over? Does he have friends he's closer to?

Have you asked anyone over?

DS is finishing year 6 and never been invited to a play date or sleepover.

I suspect there is a difference between parents who are at home at the end of each school day, and dc who go to OoS Clubs or Childminders.

Lots of parents work and kids go yo after school club so a lot less play dates. I hated them as I found so many little boys are quite badly behaved and difficult to manage. Plus I think young kids are rather tired after school. Have you considered taking a couple of kids to a soft play area instead? If you are a regular mumsnetter you will know that parents seem very scared of letting their children in other people's houses for fear they will be exposed to sexual assault.

Is your DS in Y1 (second year of primary school?) because I think that’s the age drop off playdates typically start. So perhaps a bit unusual he hasn’t one yet but it’s not like they’ve been going on for years. In nursery and reception a lot of kids aren’t happy to go on their own and/or the parents aren’t happy to leave them unless they know the family well. My youngest is school nursery and I only suggest playdates with the mums I’m friendly with because they require you to hang out too. Sometimes someone suggests a park meet and usually we go if we’re free. But in Y1 if you invited a friend over then chances are they’d come and then reciprocate- it just might need you to take the first step because I think more people are busy need to use wrap around than they used to. No sleepovers before Y3 here, my 8YO has 2 friends over tonight, but I haven’t heard of anyone doing them younger than 7 unless it’s with close family friends.

How many times have you invited children he likes round, though? You don’t need permission! Just identify a child or a couple of children and invite them.

I think a lot of it is luck. My experience with the parents in my daughter’s class was very different to my sons. I didn’t manage to really make any friends with parents in my eldests class but have a few in my sons class.

My dd is about to finish her first year in school and she has had lots of play dates. She has a few each week with different kids.
I’m at home full time though and have really gone out of my way to organise stuff with other kids as she is an only child and has no cousins or anything plus she is naturally very social.
I would imagine there are kids in the class who haven’t had any play dates with the other kids. I wouldn’t say one or the other is “normal”. It depends on circumstances. The kids in after school care basically have play dates every afternoon, just in a different way.

You have to make the first move sometimes, DD has a friend we do regular playdates with. When I’ve asked others they have been really keen, none of them are my friend friends but we rub along fine and they are all generally nice people. I only ask people who are Dd’s friends, I don’t see this as an opportunity to make friends for myself so I’m not fussed about that part. I think often people would like to take their kids on a playdate but are so busy/shy themselves that they don’t approach anyone.

Just ask, worst thing that can happen is they say no.

We never really did play dates as both me and DH work.

it’s done no harm to either child. Plenty of birthday parties and extra curricular activities.

Are you saying he has never been/you have never had his friends to tea in 2 years?
If you are then that is really not normal.
I worked full time but would do a shorter day one Friday a month to reciprocate playdates and see/hear lots of primary parents still hosting/picking up on our street.

Yes thats what I'm saying, we both work full time so DS is in after schools club or grandparents house. Playdates to me is probably more a weekend thing, thats what it seems to be for most of my friends outside of school, not necessarily tea but maybe coming round to play or taking the two children somewhere.
I haven't asked so I agree with others I probably have to make the first move and suggest something, just difficult when im not friendly with the parents and dont know if they would come too

From my experience with 1 DD and 1 DS, boys do seem to do this sort of thing less than girls. DS has been to far less parties/play dates and other mums of boys have said similar. DS plays out with kids on the street every single night so I’m not too bothered..

It’s normally the stay at home mums for after school play dates when the school mummy mafia slag others off whilst their kids play. Most wouldn’t want them taking from precious family time at the weekend.

So do his Grandparents pick him up?
I ask this as the first playdate DC1 was invited on was via our childminder who passed the request to me. I said yes and then they were invited somewhere else and by the third time I thought I better foster this and invite back hence the Friday idea.
If the Grandparents do, then get them to see who he is friendly with and extend an invitation on your behalf at a convenient time for you. Reference the boys/girls thing above we had both - inviting and attending.

Grandparents pick him up one day a week, they take him to a sports activity and dont think they get chatting much to anyone. I think just suggesting the park some weekend in the general WhatsApp is probably the best idea

Dear God - really?
We were a mix of Mums and with everything from the PTA to playdates to emergency childcare we tried to support each other as best we could.
Only one person tried to take the piss and we pulled her up on it and she took it on the chin and took a day off and had her DS and three others on a late announced inset day.
Sorry that was your expereince.

Just ask if your child has any kids they would like to invite over. It's about the kids, not the parents. And past reception you usually leave the kids to their playdate rather than stay.

Me and DH both work full time and DD was in breakfast and after school too. I made sure to get a few numbers for her friends parents via birthday party RSVPs and the like and would invite their kids to our house or on a trip to a softplay/trampoline park during school holidays and on weekends. I did have to actively seek out the play dates and facilitate them which I was happy to do, because they couldn’t happen naturally straight from the school playground due to our work patterns.

Mine hardly ever had play dates. They had clubs after school most days, and met their friends there. They're both popular, have great friends, got through secondary with good social lives. I really wouldn't worry about it unless your dc is actually asking for play dates.