AIBU to be upset my my DF remarks about DS

[BinnyWeasley]

I'm a FTM to a 15 week old baby, I am absolutely loving it (despite previously being someone who wasn't keen on kids/babies). Both parents I don't think ever expected me to settle down and start a family so when I told them I was pregnant they were over the moon and maybe rather surprised.

When baby was born there was a tiny mark on his head which has turned out to be a strawberry mark. It's grown to around the size of a 5p and is about 0.5cm raised. A lot of people comment on it and to be honest I do find it a bit sad that it's the first thing people notice, not the lovely, happy baby attached to it!

Obviously my DP and DSP have seen DS multiple times throughout his 15 weeks and once the GP had checked it out and confirmed it was a strawberry mark, I let them all know. My DM & DSD haven't mentioned it since and absolutely dote on DS. My DF however keeps making comments and I can't tell if it's out of concern or that he is embarrassed by having a DGS with an obvious 'blemish'. The other day he messaged about it again, and stated that 'he'd like to pop it', I explained that it would hurt DS and there would be a huge amount of blood to which he explained he was 'only joking'. This has really hurt me, I was already a little worried about DS getting remarks when he starts nursery/pre school if it's still there at that point, but to have my own DF make such a horrible comment as an adult has really upset me.

DH sort of agrees but feels that people keep mentioning it out of concern - despite constant reassurance that it's totally normal and it's been seen by the HV, GPs and midwives multiple times.

Oh dear OP I can definitely see why this upsets you! My DS is disabled and my dad can’t talk about him without making reference to it. I so so glad my son is lovely happy and mobile but he was very ill when he was born, my dad just can’t get over it and only sees his disability it really annoys me. But tbh I find that friends and normal family don’t act like that it’s just some idiots I’m afraid.

Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Could you explain that you feel quite upset that he mentions it all the time?
Failing that, could you speak to your mum and maybe she could have a word with him?

@LittleMG so sorry to hear you're in a similar boat. It's frustrating when it's the people who are supposed to support you, are the ones that let you down.
@Pricelessadvice they're divorced and unfortunately only on acquaintance terms, the last time they saw each other/spoke would have been my wedding 3 years ago. He's always been very critical, he still is of both me and my DB but I wasn't expecting him to be so cruel about his tiny grandson. I think I'll have to snap at him to get him to listen, previous experience tells me that he'll take it on board for about 3 months and then he'll be back to criticising!

My son had a birthmark on his head called a sebaceous naevus, about the size of a £2 coin, never grew hair on it, very itchy. He grew his hair longer than normal to hide it. He has just had it removed age 17. A Haemangioma or strawberry mark is a collection of small blood vessels and usually disappear by age 5-7 yrs. Hopefully that is the case for your DS. Tell your Dad a small birthmark is not the end of the world and to stop highlighting it as he is upsetting you. Congratulations on your DS💐

My daughter has two hemangiomas, and my son was misdiagnosed with one on his top lip as a baby, turns out to be another form of birthmark that will never fade.
If I am honest, it is tough. In my opinion adults are worse, but you need to lead by example.
Explain, reassure, distract- oh that is his birthmark, it doesn't hurt him, isn't the weather lovely. Taught to me by the charity Changing Faces who are amazing. Has really helped my son.

With family, you are going tk have to be firm. This is a non negotiable. He needs to back off and if he isn't say anything nice then say nothing at all, and if he can't keep his mouth shut then he doesn't see your son. There are enough ignorant people in the world without one in the family...

My son gets lots of comments!

Your dad's being cruel I would have a word if you feel like you can. In regards to your babies birth mark, it will mostly likely fade but I'm sure it doesn't spoil him one bit. I was born with one about 50p size just under my eye and it eas fairly raised, it was gone by the time I was a teenager. I was just left with a little dimpled patch of skin and I only recall anyone saying something once.

I’d tell him you find it upsetting that people always comment on it. Hope he gets the message.

Honestly, tell him that his remarks are upsetting and completely unhelpful. If he doesn't apologise and stop doing this, I wouldn't bother seeing him any more. He sounds like a horrible grandfather but doesn't seem to have been a great dad either if he was and still is constantly critical of you and your DB.

I wonder if he’s finding it hard to process, and needs some more information on this. Don’t get me wrong - I think his behaviour is unreasonable, but I expect it is a response to stress and concern.

This probably isn't going to be the last adult/person to make comments like this.

My suggestion is you plan something to say for next time. Id be very blunt, but that's just me.

"Please stop mentioning it, I've explained that it's harmless but it's upsetting me that you keep going on about it". You could use a much milder version.

I understand you're a new Mum and probably sleep deprived and hormonal. At this time, your dh could have a word on your behalf. It doesnt matter why he's saying these things on repeat. They're upsetting you.

I have a friend with a baby with a strawberry birthmark. We often laugh and say he is so amazing he was kissed by god on his way down to earth, and this is the result. Find a comment about it that you like and reply everytime with this little anecdote. It always works for my friend.

Tell your father to pop the head shaped thing that is full of hot air on the top of his neck.

@Zippp the most bonkers part of it is, he has a strawberry mark/birthmark on his face in a much more obvious place that never went away, it's barely noticeable but he's 63 now so of all the people I'd expect him to not be making such horrible remarks.

It sort of feels like he wants to show off pictures of his new grandson but is embarrassed by the mark on his head.

My friends little baby had a massive strawberry mark on her head which was very noticeable as a baby but shrunk to nothing by the time she started school.

I think you need to firmly tell him in no uncertain term not to discuss the strawberry mark in front of the baby. Yes he’s 15weeks now and the baby doesn’t understand - but by the time he is a toddler he will and you don’t want to make him self conscious .

firmly reiterate what it is and that it is harmless and tell him that there will be no further conversations about it. The sooner he stops obsessing about it the better. If he mentions it you immediately shut him down . It’s just plain rude to go on and on about something like this .

I think your DF is struggling with whattosayitis and means no harm.
My DS had a hemangioma high on his forehead. We thought we were lucky as it disappeared up into his scalp and faded, but now, 16 years later, it means he has a very odd hair pattern from where it migrated to!
Your baby sounds lovely. I would go easy on your dad.

He sounds very judgy and horrible from what you said about you growing up ... I'd be inclined to close him down, dad don't want or need your weird comments, cut it out ... then take a step back if he Carries on. No need for people to be picky and pointing out things about someone's appearance other than being very supportive and helpful

Honestly OP, he really needs to be told to STFU.
You are not interested in his opinion of your perfect child.

Someone would only make a negative comment once about any of my children.

He's a critical man who has gotten away with it for far too long.

STFU is what needs to be said.
Tell him he's not welcome in your home with his toxic criticism.

A break from him will do you good.

I admit I would go all scorched earth on this type of disgusting behaviour.

People like your father do untold damage to those around them with their unasked for personal comments.

Thanks all, I've done low-contact with him many years ago for about 6 months. He is constantly criticising my life choices which I've accepted and is really only out of concern but there is an element of him thinking success is having nice things, driving nice cars and buying expensive clothes. Myself and DH are not poor by any stretch but we much prefer a FB marketplace bargain, buy clothes and furniture from charity shops etc and we don't go on holiday often. He has now started showing concern/criticising DH to me behind DHs back (DH had a pretty successful career/career path but quit his job to go self employed so makes less money but is 100x happier than he was before). I will have a conversation with DF next time he brings it up and I'm going to try and shut down criticism of my DH much quicker in future. I do love my dad, he would bend over backwards to help us but I guess I've kind of gotten used to the constant belittling with undertones of disappointment.

I will never understand people who point things out about others! My husband's grandmother, mother and now our child had lots of small strawberry marks/ stork marks when they were born and they have all went away. Our child's forehead ones only come out now if she's annoyed 😂 my husband had one on his chest that grew to the size of an apple and then one day when he was around 5 it just popped and went down. The area of skin looks a bit sensitive but I personally didn't even notice it until he pointed it out. They called it his peep and I think that's adorable 😂 at the end of the day everyone's unique and we all have different things about us, the most important thing is it's harmless. I'd have a stern word with your dad and tell him how you don't appreciate his comments and not to make them and if he doesn't listen start pointing out things about him to give him a taste of his own medicine!

Seriously: tell him once then cut him iff when he goes for it again.

Both my daughters have them and they have faded over time, and you don’t really notice them now.

Next time he mentions it say something along the lines of 'Is that all you because if it is then maybe you shouldn't see DGS again' and walk away. If he says anything tell him you don't need people like him around you or your son so either shut up or don't see us again

You are being very kind about his criticisms of your life choices. It's not concern if he criticises all the time.
The strawberry mark is a small harmless part of your lovely baby - I would keep saying this. X

Dear OP, I'm so sorry you're having this problem. My DD had a huge strawberry mark in the middle of her head when she was a baby (see photo).

Within a couple of years her haired covered it and soon after that it dissolved away. She's 18 yrs old now and there's a slight dent where it used to be but no colour and we struggle to find it. Our family were always positive and supportive. When young kids would ask about the mark we would joke that it was her on/off switch, or her tracker 😜 ... mind you I did have a colleague press/touch it without permission which pissed me off.

The your DF to grow up and shut up. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all is a motto that I've often been told, and applies perfectly here.

I had a large strawberry mark on my upper arm when I was a child. It was quite noticeable but people who saw me regularly stopped 'seeing' it after a while. Hopefully the same will be true of your DF. And even if not, I've seen models with birthmarks and other strawberry marks on their faces! Also, is this in a place where hair will eventually grow to cover it? It's a shame to mention, but that might help with his unwarranted attention, too. And if you need to speak up, go ahead and do so before your son gets old enough to understand. My mother was told that if mine didn't go away by the time I was five it would be permanent. It was still prominent then but was gone by the time I grew up, so there's that, too.