AIBU to be upset my my DF remarks about DS

[BinnyWeasley]

I'm a FTM to a 15 week old baby, I am absolutely loving it (despite previously being someone who wasn't keen on kids/babies). Both parents I don't think ever expected me to settle down and start a family so when I told them I was pregnant they were over the moon and maybe rather surprised.

When baby was born there was a tiny mark on his head which has turned out to be a strawberry mark. It's grown to around the size of a 5p and is about 0.5cm raised. A lot of people comment on it and to be honest I do find it a bit sad that it's the first thing people notice, not the lovely, happy baby attached to it!

Obviously my DP and DSP have seen DS multiple times throughout his 15 weeks and once the GP had checked it out and confirmed it was a strawberry mark, I let them all know. My DM & DSD haven't mentioned it since and absolutely dote on DS. My DF however keeps making comments and I can't tell if it's out of concern or that he is embarrassed by having a DGS with an obvious 'blemish'. The other day he messaged about it again, and stated that 'he'd like to pop it', I explained that it would hurt DS and there would be a huge amount of blood to which he explained he was 'only joking'. This has really hurt me, I was already a little worried about DS getting remarks when he starts nursery/pre school if it's still there at that point, but to have my own DF make such a horrible comment as an adult has really upset me.

DH sort of agrees but feels that people keep mentioning it out of concern - despite constant reassurance that it's totally normal and it's been seen by the HV, GPs and midwives multiple times.

I’ve just seen your comment where your mention that your father has a birthmark. It’s possible that he is projecting the comments that he heard growing up, onto your beautiful baby. My own (now adult) son was born with a mark on his cheek. The day I brought him home from hospital, a mum in the school playground that I’d never spoken to before walked over to ask what was wrong with him. I was so taken aback, I was lost for words. I still remember my awesome friends response “she painted a f pidgeon on his face, what do YOU think?” 😂 I had random strangers cross the road to peer at him, in his pushchair. At the age of 3, we decided to get it removed via laser treatment, to avoid these ongoing comments. It worked for us, although I’m not saying that YOU should do the same, it’s personal choice, but overall I think people are generally more accepting now than they were in the past. Tell him that it upsets you. Ask him how having a birthmark affected HIM growing up. Point out that your baby is not him, and that the mark is not the same, and that your son is unlikely to face the same challenges that your dad did.
congratulations on the birth of your beautiful heathy baby!

I don’t have anything to add to the advice you’ve already been given from other posters about your Dad. I agree it could be a projection of comments he has experienced himself, as well as what sounds like an overly critical and negative approach to everything in life.

I really just came to sympathise with you as my daughter had a large strawberry mark on her forehead and I was shocked by the number of times complete strangers would bring it up with me. Someone would ask me about it on almost a daily basis and it was exhausting having a needless conversation every time. Generally people were well meaning or inquisitive but I found it very intrusive. She was such a beautiful baby in my eyes that it was upsetting to me that’s what everyone else’s focus seemed to be on. Anyway, she’s now 2.5 and the mark has almost disappeared- firstly it went flat, then the redness faded and it started shrinking in size. It’s now a smaller silver circle with a feint red outline that I think will probably disappear completely in time. Good luck with your Dad and dealing with others raising it too!

Honestly op if it wasn't this it would be something else from him or someone else. Nasty, unnecessary comments on your beautiful baby are so upsetting but you dont have to tolerate them. Try and go "Grey rock" and blot it out. You are in such early days just focus on you and baby. Fuck what anyone else says. Trust me you'll get all kinds of comments over the years. Just ignore ignore ignore anyone who is rude, and anyone who repeatedly does it minimize contact until they get the message. Enjoy your baby and please dont let it get to you x

I'd say nothing but not let him see baby very much. Basically I'd gradually fade him out of my life. Each time he mentioned the mark I'd leave it longer before he saw DS again.