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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Really don’t know what to do !

34 replies

littleweedandherflowers · 20/06/2025 19:54

Feeling extremely emotional at the moment so please be gentle! I’m 9 days postpartum baby was born via c section and I’m still quite sore the consultant said he had to cut me two ways so it may take longer to heal, also being my 3rd section! Baby is heathy and lovely.
just a bit of context!
i thought my partner would be abit more supportive but I couldn’t feel less loved or uncared for if I tried !
he’s watched me struggle in pain to the loo until I’m at the loo door then says “ do you want help” yet will help his step dad without asking or being asked !
before I gave birth I asked him several times to help me get bits sorted for when baby arrived - he did one task and made more work for me but would go and help his mum lift heavy stuff and then not understand why I was so frustrated, I asked several times to help me get organised and sort though all the baby clothes etc any time I said I’d not felt baby move enough he would tell me to relax and that I was wasting time going to be monitored, final straw on that one was the day before my dd was born I didn’t feel well at all had a little bleed and pain with lack of movements and he told me I was doing it out of spite because I asked him to collect dd from school because I wouldn’t be home in time! Accused me of lying that I wasn’t being checked !
after birth I don’t feel loved or supported by him at all Infact I feel extremely sad at how he’s made me feel! I don’t feel like I’ve given birth I feel like I’ve just popped to Tesco and brought a baby off the shelf! As sad as that sounds !
I’ve had to take it easy because I’m still on a lot of pain on and off but if I ask him to help me with anything he “ forgets “ a few examples I asked him if he could get me some fresh pj literally a day after I had her - he forgot !
I asked him if he could find her carrier out - he hasn’t I’m assuming he’s forgot !
I asked whilst the weather is nice if he could get the double buggy out to see if it needs cleaning ( I was fortunate enough to be given a second hand one ) he didn’t get it out - he forgot
I also asked him if he could get certain sanitary pads from savers ( they only do them in there ) and some baby wipes also tweezers - he then found my tweezers and said oh great I’ll go tomorrow and get wipes completely forgetting I asked for some pads, where I’ve been sat the last week or so and not able to be up and about as much I’ve actually got sores where you don’t want sores so having the pad I feel comfortable in was important to me ! He’s cuddled me once since I’ve been home, he’s had a go at me because I asked him to take our almost 2 year old with him to dd after school activities because I was so exhausted! I just want to be loved and cared about by him instead of feeling like I’ve just given birth and he thinks the world of me I feel like a complete inconvenience and it’s really really upsetting me !

OP posts:
blackbirdevensong · 20/06/2025 20:01

Ouch, that was a painful read, OP.

Congratulations on your new baby! Have you spoken to him about his behaviour since having your section? You've just had major surgery and you're looking after an newborn. Do you have someone else for support? I'd be livid if I was you.

Tooearlytothink · 20/06/2025 20:01

You need to have a proper chat & explain all this to him and set out your expectations. It’s utterly crap that he’s not sussed it out for himself but he hasn’t so you need to be practical. Set it all out and if he ups his game then great, it’s not as good as if he’d done it himself but at least you’ll have the help. If not you know where you stand and as soon as you’re well enough sounds like it’s time to make an exit plan.

Tooearlytothink · 20/06/2025 20:02

And PP asked about other help - if there’s anyone else in the mean time make use of that as best you can.

Clarinet1 · 20/06/2025 20:04

Oh poor OP this sounds totally unacceptable. Was he like this after your other babies? It sounds to as though you need some other help - do you have any family or friends who could come? Maybe you should discuss this with your midwife or other healthcare professional - please don’t hold back or feel embarrassed to do so.

Praying4Peace · 20/06/2025 20:05

What was he like after previous 2 children were born?
Sending you hugs OP
You need loving and caring for right now

ZippyPeer · 20/06/2025 20:16

How horrible for you OP 😫

You aren't been at all unreasonable.

If you have the energy I'd explain how you are feeling to him, and if he doesn't step up try and find others to help you. Extra bonus if that person will then give your DH a bollocking on your behalf...

HooverThatLounge · 20/06/2025 20:17

Is there anyone else who can help you? Mum? Friend? Someone who can also read him the riot act? You have just had major surgery, any other abdominal surgery would be 6 weeks of rest but with a c section you are also meant to care for a newborn too and any other children. This is why it is important to have a supportive partner and also other people who can help you too.

Was he like this after the previous babies or is this new? Any requests you should tell him to write them in his phone as he seems oh so forgetful. I am hoping that this is a blip and not the broken appliance situation whereby you usually do everything but right now you are broken, you cannot perform your usual duties and so he is frustrated at being asked to be a parent and provide items for you that you need, essential items such as pads.

littleweedandherflowers · 20/06/2025 21:31

Thankfully I do have other support but he can be quite rude / unwelcoming to my family member helping me, he’ll say he isn’t but he’s made me feel quite uncomfortable this past week !
yes he was like this before but I thought we’d turned a corner and it was just a blip last time - how wrong was I !
I’ve also explained to him in great detail how he’s making me feel and I just get back - don’t be silly stop this etc ! Xx

OP posts:
littleweedandherflowers · 20/06/2025 21:31

I’m absolutely heart broken that this is my memory of having babies instead of the loved cared for feeling xx

OP posts:
ZippyPeer · 20/06/2025 22:05

What's your relationship like with your MIL and your dh's family members? Could you ask them for help? He might be more welcoming and possibility they might tell him to step up if they see how he's behaving? Obv very much depends on what they are like and how you get on with them...

neverbeenskiing · 20/06/2025 22:11

I'm so sorry, OP. Honestly, he just sounds horrible.

If you can't count on the man you share your life with to be kind to you when you've just had his baby there is something very wrong. If I was in your shoes I don't think I'd be able to forgive him.

Dreamerinme · 20/06/2025 22:19

He sounds like an absolute prick, sorry. He’s doing this deliberately and that’s unforgivable. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be a family unit anymore.

What are your in-laws like? Anyone who would read him the riot act for his behaviour? I’d be ashamed if my DS behaved like this and would have no qualms addressing this appalling behaviour (and he’s still a child).

Definitely encourage support from your family and friends - don’t let him isolate you from
them. Long-term you may need to think about whether you want to stay with him.

BelliesGonnaGetYa · 20/06/2025 22:21

He sounds like my husband, a useless prick! I'm off as soon as possible and would encourage you to do the same. Easier said than done with young kids (I'm in the same boat) but worth it as it won't get any better. You get one kick at the ball, don't spend it miserable with someone who clearly doesn't care.

littleweedandherflowers · 22/06/2025 11:20

Thank you for your replies, relationship with in-laws isn’t good, I didn’t bow and scrape to his mum and do everything she wanted me to so she basically threw a strop and turned his whole family against me by telling them how awful I am without mentioning how she’d treated me! We are civil to each other when she comes but if I was to say anything she’d say poor son Is finding it all overwhelming!
things haven’t got any better after begging him to just let me rest and heal if anything I’ve not been well due to the stress!

this morning he’s moaned because “ there’s too much to do “ ( his words ) he’s moaned at our dd because “ there’s too many things in the house “ ( abit true our kids are lucky to have all what they have ) he’s also moaned to my family member because “ no one takes no for an answer “ meaning dd ( 7 ) he’s always given her her own way and never said no to her so now he doesn’t understand why when I say no she listens but doesn’t listen to him !
I’ve really had enough of his moping glaring and stropping despite me telling him how he’s making me feel ! X

OP posts:
Gratefulforlife66 · 22/06/2025 11:32

Congratulations, it’s an emotional time and lots of adjusting. Can I ask, is this man actually doing anything?? If he’s cooking, cleaning, tidying, childcare for the other little ones, then fair play, it’s hard work, however, if he’s not pulling his weight, then he needs a firm reminder that you have had a major operation and he needs to step up

littleweedandherflowers · 22/06/2025 14:46

Yes he spends a lot of time in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up almost feels like he prefers it out there ! As for doing stuff he does but he also moans about it - too much to do etc but it’s only what I’d do on a daily basis x

OP posts:
littleweedandherflowers · 23/06/2025 04:44

Well this evening he really did live up to being an arsehole!
I’ve had quite a bleed with large clots had to go to hospital via ambulance my family member followed and stayed with me the whole time and then brought me home ! When I got home he’s come down stairs moaned how tired he is then sat there and said “ oh at least you didn’t have to have surgery like family member said you would “ family member said before we left probably best not to drink anything incase I needed surgery I’ve been in sheer agony the past few days ! Turns out luckiky it’s just an infection ( not sure where ) and I’m home with antibiotics! He then proceeded to message me still having a go ! I’m so tired !

OP posts:
littleweedandherflowers · 23/06/2025 04:46

I asked him if he could bring a warmer blanket down because I’m so cold he’s gone up to bed and “ forgot “ the blanket he knows how much I struggle with the stairs because of the pain I’m in ! So now I’ve a sheet to keep me warm whilst I get an hour or two sleep ! He’s alright he’s tucked uo in bed ! Ahhhh

OP posts:
loobyloo1979 · 23/06/2025 06:14

Does this so called 'man' have any positive points?

Moonnstars · 23/06/2025 06:17

No help but he sounds really useless.
Did he want another child out of interest? Or any children at all? It sounds very much like you will have your hands full and it might be worth considering when you are well enough what he actually brings to your life

DemonsandMosquitoes · 23/06/2025 08:04

Are you married? Just thinking how this might pan out for you?!

BookArt55 · 23/06/2025 08:12

Looking at before baby arrived, was his actions showing love and care?
I say this because I had this same behaviour from my now ex when our second was born. I was a bit blinded to the fact that his affection and care had reduced significantly over the year. The c section just highlighted it all for me.

The fact you've spoken to him about all of this before and then in your most vulnerable time he is unable to put you first... would you be happy if you child was in a relationship being treated like this?

I suggest you use the maternity leave and to stash money, every pound counts. Work our a plan to leave

hellohellooo · 23/06/2025 08:16

Op

Your post sent chills down my spine

He is doing exactly what my ex did

My ex was an abusive bastard

You do. Not have to put up with this

Be very careful with how you proceed
This is a very hard time for you and he is treating you very badly 😡😡😡

littleweedandherflowers · 27/06/2025 10:44

Thank you for your replies, I wrote out a reply and didn’t press the post button !

it’s abit easier now he’s back at work but it has been so difficult I won’t lie he blows hot and cold one min he seems to like me ( not love but like ) the next I couldn’t feel more hated ! I feel it’s easier to deal with now my infection is clearing and I’m feeling more human ! Alls I wanted from him was to be loved and cared for but he couldn’t manage that and that told me a lot - where I go from here I really don’t know ! X

OP posts:
littleweedandherflowers · 27/06/2025 22:51

Sat here thinking about how it’s been ! Sunday evening when the paramedics came and were talking to me doing obs etc partner put his hand on my leg like he was a doting loving partner ! That was Sunday ! He’s not touched me since ( and I don’t mean in a sexual way ) I mean a kiss a cuddle touching my leg holding hands etc literally nothing !! Makes me realise he’s all for show !

OP posts:
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