How to Not Feel Left Out

[Drummend01]

DP has a young daughter, we’ve been together 2 years. We live separately for now but have plans to move in at the end of the year.

My DP does a great job at keeping me involved, we’ve been on holidays away as a 3, have evening movie nights etc, DSD likes me and asks to see me and wants me to be involved.

But sometimes, like today, I struggle and feel left out. Like they’ve got this bond that I don’t have with them, or with anyone, as I don’t yet have children of my own yet. It’s DSD sports day today and obviously guest numbers are limited so just mum and dad went, DP has been messaging me to say how she’s doing, what event they are on etc and I don’t know why it’s made me feel so left out. I almost don’t want to know which sounds stupid.

My friends also all have children now too, so I think this adds to the left out feeling because our group chats are mostly around parenting/kids and most days our are planned around children (which I enjoy, I love being with their kids), but sometimes it’s a reminder of how different our lives are right now.

Ive had this feeling a few times before and i know it’s unreasonable, does anyone have any advice to move past it?

So you want a child? Or you want to be more involved with your boyfriend’s child? Not clear

anyone, as I don’t yet have children of my own yet. It’s DSD sports day today and obviously guest numbers are limited so just mum and dad went,

You would have attended the sports day of your boyfriend’s 3 year old at nursery if numbers had not been limited?

If he's continously messaging updates it sounds like he's doing everything he can to involve you and help you feel included.

This is the reality of blended families though, it wouldn't be for me, but some make it work. She will likely have times when she feels left out if you and your partner have a child together

We plan to have children together eventually and I’m already involved with my partners child. What I’m trying to ask is how can I put aside my feelings of being left out, I don’t think anyone in my life is doing anything wrong or actually leaving me out, it’s a me issue that I don’t know how to move past

wtf? In your other thread you started today… she is 10!!!

These are new feelings for you and you just need to keep acknowledging and processing them, and working hard not to let them sour your relationship.

The parent-child relationship is very powerful and generally always comes first (when it doesn’t come first, something is amiss).

It’s normal to have these emotions, and you shouldn’t feel bad about that at all. Just keep breathing through it, giving yourself the space to let them pass, because your DP’s relationship with his child will always be of great importance.

It’s understandable you’d rather be number one, and would rather he have no kids and start a family with you. That’s only natural. But the choice is - embrace the reality of him and his kid, or find someone else. There’s no shame in not wanting to be a step mum. I wouldn’t have wanted that myself.

She’s not 3, she’s 8. If his daughter asked me to go, which she often does without prompting or suggestion, then I would go. It’s no different to a friend or auntie going along, it’s important for all of us that we show a united, supportive front for her. That’s something mum, mums partner, dad and I all agree on and work towards.

Where did she say the daughter was 3? On another thread?

How is that odd. 9 months ago we were 2 months from being together 2 years. Now we’ve been together 2.5 years, so 2 years. I didn’t think I needed to specify the exact months/weeks/days. And she’s actually 8, about to turn 9. Not sure why that matters either. Do you want her birthday and address too?

Frame it another way. You’re seeing it as you being “left out”, but try and look at it as a child having the opportunity to spend time with both of her parents together when she rarely has that opportunity. It’s great that you and her mum’s new partner like DSD, but you don’t always need to be a united front or coming along as a package with your respective one of her parents. Honestly, I’d see being a step parent who gets to spend some fun time with a step-child but doesn’t have to be their parent or trail after them to every hobby, school play, or sports day as a great balance.

Yes you’re completely right, I am really glad she gets to see her parents together as I imagine its very difficult for a child to grow up with parents who can’t even stand to be in the same room. I should definitely focus on it from more of her perspective than my own. And you’re right that I kind of get the best of both worlds of the fun but not the same commitment or pressure, I need to remind myself of that.

Their relationship isn't about you or your feelings. You sound oddly jealous 🤷‍♀️

She's saying they don't have kids together.

Thank you for the reply, I just want to make it clear that I don’t wish for one second he didn’t have her, I’m so grateful I get to be part of both of their lives. But I do wish I could understand the connection they have.

You’re right I do need to just let myself feel the feelings and I guess try to distract myself so it helps to pass

OP I think it's really normal to have these feelings when you and your partner are at slightly different life stages. You won't get the 'first child' experience with him and it's natural that you have some difficult feelings of being left out about that, even though you're happy to accept that it's just the way things are.

No real advice except to say it's normal, you see this sentiment expressed all the time on MN. I expect it will ease with time. Two years is a well established relationship but still not all that long in the grand scheme of things. You'll all settle into your roles with time.

Feelings of being left out will be something of your own that you need to deal with. Probably via therapy. And I’d do it asap before moving in together because this will be worse not better then.

a friend of mine has this same issue of feeling left out. She projects it onto her teen daughters and it’s awful to see. Also mean if members of our group meet individually for a reason not related to her she doesn’t like it either do the tone is sensed…. Totally her stuff but I see how it impacts others.

The thread police are out in force I see.

OP it's great that you have such a good relationship with her, and your partner is obviously trying to involve you as much as possible in the sports day.

This feeling of being left out will pass, and soon you'll be fully involved when you move in together. For now, allow yourself to feel a bit sad but then forget about it.

I don’t think you’re necessarily “wrong” for feeling this way.

I think logically, you’ll never understand the bond they have because 1) the mum is still very much around and involved which is good and 2) you aren’t her biological parent. Some will also disagree but a 2 year relationship isn’t that long, so although you get on well with your DP’s daughter, a bond like that can take years to build. You are dad’s girlfriend more than step mum. Living together and time will definitely bring you closer.

From your OP and what you have said about your friends… I think the “feeling left out” feeling isn’t because of your DP’s daughter. I think it’s because you aren’t a parent yourself, so you feel like you don’t “get it” when it comes to your friends or DP.

If you do want children, maybe this is something to discuss with DP when you move in together.

For now if you are really struggling with your mind, talking therapy can really help x

My husband had a daughter when we first met. She was 4 back then. They had an amazing bond and seeing their special relationship was part of what made me fall in love with both of them. I loved being a step mum. And I attended lots of events and sometimes I didn't attend. I don't recall feeling "left out" but I know I recognised when they needed "their time" as opposed to "our time" (but this sports day sounds more like a capacity issue). Being welcomed into their lives doesn't mean you automatically are always required to be there, but you need to grow a thicker skin. My own dad (who is a step dad to my sister) took me aside when my husband proposed and said "you know you will never come first. Are you okay with that? ". He didn't mean it unkindly.. he spoke the truth, and I accepted it and I have never once regretted it. You sound like an incredibly caring person who has the capacity to be a great step mum as long as you can feel secure in yourself.

Honestly don’t think OP comes across as jealous. More like someone who is standing on the periphery looking in instead of being involved.

Most people want to be an integral part of their significant other’s lives if the relationship is serious.

As someone who has the child from previous relationship OP I can totally see where your coming from OP.

In terms of managing your jealousy - what about radical acceptance?

The situation is what it is. Currently you do not have a child. Your boyfriend does. This is what it's like to be in this situation. There are things you won't be part of.

If you can try to accept that there's no way you are always going to be included, it might make it less painful. It's no one's fault, it's just how life is right now.

It's nice of him to message you updates but I don't think he should, almost feels pitying lol and I'd feel left out too, plus I'm sure his DD and ex would rather his full attention on them/the event.