How to Not Feel Left Out

[Drummend01]

DP has a young daughter, we’ve been together 2 years. We live separately for now but have plans to move in at the end of the year.

My DP does a great job at keeping me involved, we’ve been on holidays away as a 3, have evening movie nights etc, DSD likes me and asks to see me and wants me to be involved.

But sometimes, like today, I struggle and feel left out. Like they’ve got this bond that I don’t have with them, or with anyone, as I don’t yet have children of my own yet. It’s DSD sports day today and obviously guest numbers are limited so just mum and dad went, DP has been messaging me to say how she’s doing, what event they are on etc and I don’t know why it’s made me feel so left out. I almost don’t want to know which sounds stupid.

My friends also all have children now too, so I think this adds to the left out feeling because our group chats are mostly around parenting/kids and most days our are planned around children (which I enjoy, I love being with their kids), but sometimes it’s a reminder of how different our lives are right now.

Ive had this feeling a few times before and i know it’s unreasonable, does anyone have any advice to move past it?

I think you sound absolutely lovely and try to see everyone else’s perspective. I think it’s important to acknowledge you probably won’t ever feel exactly the same feelings of connection as her mum and dad. That’s normal! But you are clearly an addition to her life and she likes you and everyone gets on. That’s actually quite rare and really good! Keep doing what you’re doing!

@Drummend01

"But I do wish I could understand the connection they have"

When you are a parent (which you hope to be, down the line) that's not a question that would even enter your head.

To save yourself anguish, don't be jealous and don't expect him to ever choose you over his daughter (if he's a decent bloke ofc)

It sounds like it's something you want in your life but also it's as big an adjustment to becoming a step-parent as it is to gaining one for her. I think let yourself know that how you're feeling is normal. As long as you're not feeling any resentment towards her I don't think there's a problem - you can define your relationship with her on your own grounds, and also independently of her dad. Build your own connection.

I haven’t read the full thread but I felt like this at times with my now husband and his then 9 year old. I wasn’t jealous of him, I was jealous that my husband had a child, a bond and connection that I didn’t. This was made harder by the fact that he said he didn’t want any more kids.

I loved my SS but found it hard that I wasn’t really part of it. He had a mum and we were more like siblings. Ridiculous, I know.

Anyway, we did live together and I ended up giving an ultimatum that I wanted a child together or I couldn’t be in the relationship and so we did. As is now 22 and has his own place, our daughter is almost 9 now and we are a family. My SS is part of that of course but he’s an adult now and I love their relationship because I’m not jealous. I’ve also been in his life for 13 years so he’s grown up with me. I’m not his mum, I never wanted to be. I love his mum, she’s a good friend and I think that possibly made it harder!

You sound like a great step-mum to be! I said you were unreasonable, but only because as you already know, you will likely never have the same bond, with either of them and nor should you. Not that you can’t develop a similar relationship, and it sounds like you’re on track for that. As a step parent, you may often be the one, alongside mums partner, who is inevitably left out when it has to be someone. Your feelings are valid, but a bit futile, they don’t serve any positive purpose. Perhaps in situations like this, you could plan something special for just the two of you, or three (with dad) to do, so you can celebrate her achievements. No one wants to feel guilty because you’re feeling sad, so, as you are, suck it up and make something positive come out of it!

Plenty of birth mums are jealous of , or don’t understand the bond between their child and his/her dad. It is not an unusual feeling. Well done for being able to recognise and articulate this.
Girls ( I say girls because the child in question is female) can be very possessive of their father and at some point often exclude any other adult. This may ease as she gets older and or you may be more used to it but it can get more so. When you have a child it would not be unusual that either she pushes you out or begins to misbehave or that you find you have overwhelming and exclusive love for your own child. No one on here can anticipate how things will go.
It may be helpful to have some family therapy now and periodically in order for you to continue to be the valued person you obviously are but also for you to develop some self confidence and understanding of your feelings.

His relationship with his daughter is completely separate from you and, as lovely as it is that she seems to like you, I think you need to detach a little bit. Just being aware of the parent/child bond should be enough to understand that the connection they have.

Perhaps it might also be helpful to remember that it’s so important for DSD to have one on one time with her Dad, so it’s not about leaving you out but acting in the child’s best interest.

Hmm you’ve got a thread in Baby Names saying you’re expecting? If that’s true I’m sure you’ll understand the parent/child connection soon enough…

I wonder if you could spin it to "how lucky that one day I'll have a child with such a fantastic father, and what a wonderful bond I can't wait to have it with my child"
Really, it's testament to him and his relationship with her, you should feel left out, that's him making the correct choice, and she never should feel shes anything less than his number 1 priority. So I'd try and see it as a massive compliment to him (and your choice of partner), this is how it sometimes should feel because he is her dad, which is a unique and special thing, and its not right if he includes you in absolutely everything.

It's great you know the feelings are unreasonable. It's hard but he's doing the right thing by his daughter, and he'll do the right thing by your shared baby one day too.

OP has your boyfriend actually confirmed that he wants more children? How old are you and he?

jusy acknowledge your feelings, you’re having a normal human reaction. Don’t judge your feelings just acknowledge them and that’s all you can do.

Of course the have a Bond. You need to get over this