AIBTA?

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So I, (30 F) have a best friend that I have been inseparable with since I was 3. Our friendship means the WORLD to me and we are super close - she is more like family.

my BFF has a son (5) and I have a 20 month old. Her son started school this academic year and I am a teacher. I work full time, 5 days a week, sometimes quite long hours and have additional responsibilities at work so am very busy. I value my half terms etc SO much as I love to spend the quality time with my boy.

However, my friend has also returned to full time work (previously she used to work 3/4 days a week). Now her son has started school she asks me to have him every half term. Sometimes only for a day or two, sometimes more. I really want to help as I know she struggles to find childcare but I can’t help but think her child has YEARS left at school. Can I continue to give up so much time to have him??

Our boys are so different in age that they don’t play together and I think the 5yo is constantly bored. This leads me trying to take them both out which isn’t always easy. I actually find it quite hard to have them both/ keep them both happy.

AIBTA if I start to cut it down? Say no? I love her so much but I don’t necessarily want to be used as a free babysitter every half term when it’s my quality time with my son. The 6 week holidays are approaching and she’s asked “can I book you in?” But it’s a bit frustrating being tied down to it. Equally, I empathise as that’s a long time to find childcare for.

Should I just suck it up?

NTA. Extremely rude and cheeky of your friend to ask.

You need to nip this in the bud or you’ll be in for 10 more years of it.

Just be honest. Sorry it doesn’t work for me, perhaps advise her where she may be able to get support

Can I book you in

No.. I'm happy to help now and again in a genuine emergency but I'm not being your regular childcare.

Not cant.
Not sorry.
Just no.

"No, that does work for me".

Add if necessary

"I spend all my time working with other people's child. I want to spend my time off with just mine as we don't get enough time just one to one bonding during term time"

A true friend will understand.
A user won't.

I think you have to be honest. It's unfair of your friend to expect you to give up your half term to mind her son. Having worked in education, I know how much you need the break! And it's important for you to spend that quality time with your son. Unfortunately, because you have helped her in the past, it's now become an expectation. You need to tell her now that you can't do it so she has time to make alternative arrangements.

It's probably not going to be an easy conversation but if she's as good a friend as you say, she'll understand. If she doesn't, perhaps she's not as good a friend as you think.

I wouldn't even say that about an emergency because everything will be an emergency now.

I would say I am really sorry but this is my holiday and I've been dying to spend time with my little one. The children aren't the same age and your child is just bored at my house. You're better off getting other child care as I won't be able to do it.

I think she is really really cheeky expecting it from you.

Thanks all. It’s a really tricky conversation to have - she will struggle to find people to have him and I feel bad for her. I can’t help thinking that I CAN have him - I just don’t want to and that makes me feel guilty. But it is becoming a lot!

She is using you, and the can’t find childcare is just emotional blackmail, everyone else manages.

Although you need to make it clear you are not a childminder, I reckon if she had to pay you she’d find other arrangements. Does she even give you money for his food and outings?

If I take them out, depending on what I do she’ll give me money. For example if I take them to soft play then no, but a farm etc then yes. She packs snacks for him (which honestly more of a hindrance as he eats things my LO can’t and then he gets upsets and doesn’t understand) but otherwise I provide him lunch etc. I don’t mind! He’s at mine so I can feed him. Sometimes she works late and I do dinner as well.

She is being a CF!!!! I am a teacher and NO WAY would I give up my holibobs to look after someone else’s child on a regular basis.

I understand it’s a very awkward conversation to have OP but no, you’re going to have to say no.

If you're as close as you say then there shouldn't be an issue saying no, or an issue receiving a no.

If either of the above aren't the case then you don't have the friendship you think you do.

She's using you. Tell her now to book holiday club for the summer. Does she expect you to do the 6 weeks?

Oh wow, I can’t believe your friend is expecting free childcare. Several of my friends are teachers and I have never expected them to have my child, it’s their time off! Does she offer to help you by babysitting weekends or during her annual leave?

Yes holiday care is expensive, however it’s just one of the costs of having children.

I know it’s uncomfortable to say no but whilst you’re minding her child, you are missing out on time with yours. And time flies so fast, don’t miss out on the opportunity to enjoy your baby, before you know it they will be heading off to university!

Is she expecting you to cover all of half term and then all of the other holidays including all 6 weeks of summer?

It definitely sounds cheeky, and while it might be tricky to find childcare there is definitely stuff out there when it comes to main holidays (inset days are where it is hard as childcare generally isn't offered as those are odd days that differ between schools).

Does she not have a partner or any family to help?
I believe most people end up with a bit of a rota when it comes to holidays with them taking time off, a partner taking time off a different week, grandparents stepping in and then booked holiday clubs. It seems rude of her to assume that because you have the time off you can look after her child and I see this would end your friendship.

Best friends your whole life and consider her family?

If she is as good as friend as you say she will respect your no.

Could you book to go away!

you need to be clear in what you want. If you don’t want to do it at all then say it’s too much as you have your own child/some work responsibilities.

if you are happy to do one days week then offer that.

you needs clear boundary. She is cheeky in assuming but that probably due to your closeness and she probably thinks she would do same for you (reality is often different)

Absolutely you should nip this in the bud so she has time to sort something else out before summer holidays. She isn’t paying for childcare while her son is in school so will have to pay a childminder or holiday club during school holidays or her and her partner will need to use leave. I think she is a CF asking you and putting you in a difficult position. Did you offer to do it at any time?

Just tell her teaching is exhausting (I don’t think some people get that) and you need the holidays to recharge and spend with your son. You can also point out the disparity in ages means you struggle to entertain both together.

Thanks all. I think I’ll just say no to a few of the times she asks. He’s an anxious thing, her LO, so she doesn’t think he’d cope in a summer club etc.

That’s not your problem.
you need to nip things in the bud now
”I’m sorry I can’t have your ds in school holidays anymore”.

Just make up lots of being busy days! “We have this planned and that planned. I can do a day or two but I also really need to relax”.

I have a friend who despite working year round, and having a completely useless ex for her child’s dad, for some reason booked her child into a term time only nursery. She kept asking for days for me to help in holidays. I’m very happy to do the odd day here and there, but nothing regular. I always say “we’ve got this on here and friends staying here etc, but it’s a bit quieter this week so can have him on Tuesday that week”. She’s a lovely friend and has helped me out with my son too on occasions, but I don’t want to be relied on every school holidays!

Just give her a list of the days you can take him. One day a week maybe ?

She's using you for free childcare.

She might be oblivious as to how hard this is on you if you haven't said anything. It's time to let her know that it's hard work, it's taking away from your time with your child, interfering with your time off, and you won't be her childcare anymore.

She's got to sort out childcare for herself.

Is she returning the favour and watching yours occasionally? I watched a good friend's two after school for a long time but one was my eldest's BFF and they were close in age and she would have eldest over to swim and sleepovers and the times evened out.

If your no affects your friendship, you didn't have the friendship you thought you did.