AIBTA?

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So I, (30 F) have a best friend that I have been inseparable with since I was 3. Our friendship means the WORLD to me and we are super close - she is more like family.

my BFF has a son (5) and I have a 20 month old. Her son started school this academic year and I am a teacher. I work full time, 5 days a week, sometimes quite long hours and have additional responsibilities at work so am very busy. I value my half terms etc SO much as I love to spend the quality time with my boy.

However, my friend has also returned to full time work (previously she used to work 3/4 days a week). Now her son has started school she asks me to have him every half term. Sometimes only for a day or two, sometimes more. I really want to help as I know she struggles to find childcare but I can’t help but think her child has YEARS left at school. Can I continue to give up so much time to have him??

Our boys are so different in age that they don’t play together and I think the 5yo is constantly bored. This leads me trying to take them both out which isn’t always easy. I actually find it quite hard to have them both/ keep them both happy.

AIBTA if I start to cut it down? Say no? I love her so much but I don’t necessarily want to be used as a free babysitter every half term when it’s my quality time with my son. The 6 week holidays are approaching and she’s asked “can I book you in?” But it’s a bit frustrating being tied down to it. Equally, I empathise as that’s a long time to find childcare for.

Should I just suck it up?

And the child's father is where?

She's not the wonderful friend you think she is and she shouldn't have had a child if she couldn't find/afford childcare.

“so she doesn’t think he’d cope in a summer club etc” - but that is not your problem to solve! She chose to have a child and she chose to go back to work full time. Most parents have to find a way to deal with these situations, many of us don’t have family or teacher friends to do the childcare for us.
She is really taking advantage of you and you need to push back and tell her it’s too stressful for you and you won’t be able to help with childcare anymore.

He can cope in a classroom so he will be able to cope in a summer club or at a childminder who does holiday cover with a smaller group.

Does she not have a partner or family around? Does she ever have your little one at all?
I wouldn’t get into this rut if I were you. I might offer to have him one day a week (if you want to) but no more than that. You need to make it clear NOW.

Don’t just say no. She’s your best friend in the world! TALK TO HER!! Explain exactly what you’ve explained here. She’ll get it.

If you just say no, you risk her becoming confused and feeling alienated as she probably doesn’t ‘get’ it atm. Don’t risk your friendship over something that can be easily talked through and resolved.

When I was your age my childhood friend asked me to babysit for her, sleep at her house, and then travel to my work for an extra hour and a half the next day. It was very last minute… I was childless and I was doing some occasional babysitting locally for extra cash.
I followed my instinct and said ‘no’ as I feared it can easily become a regular thing, even though I wouldn’t have minded too much the one-off (no pay was mentioned and I wouldn’t have charged my friend).
It wasn’t an emergency - she wanted to book extra night work for herself.

She was very disappointed in me and did post on her Facebook things like how a real friend is a friend in need, and she can’t rely on anybody anymore… I felt guilty as I’m a people pleaser, but didn’t budge as she wasn’t big on favours herself anyway; would say no to others (and me) with no hesitation.

We are no longer fiends as she gradually cut me off after I had dc, and hers were older, and she was at a ‘different life stage’… I grieved it like losing a sister. I really loved her. But she’s fine. Has lots of friends and more money than me now as she worked when her dc were babies, unlike me. Lol.

Just sharing similar experience (and rambling). I don’t know what is right and wrong. It’s good to have that village and rely on people, it’s probably good for you child to have the older child around for a couple of days- but is someone genuine going to really ask you for such a big favour on regular basis?

You need to confirm ASAP that you can't help in the summer holidays to give her time to sort alternative holiday clubs. There's all sorts of clubs around, catering to all personality types - she will find something.

Saying yes and no randomly is the worst thing you could do.

She won't even look at other arrangements if she knows you might say yes.

All that will happen is she'll say please please please I don't have anyone else.

Because she won't look for someone else.

Because you only say no sometimes.

She is being a cheeky cow!

Yeah she lives with her partner and has local family. She divides her boys time up between all of us

Can't do. You have relatives to visit, going on holiday. She must find a childminder.

Well if that’s the case then she’s not stuck for childcare. Just tell her you need to spend 1:1 time with your child in the holidays. Like I said, if you feel generous then you could offer one day a week but that would be it.
There’s a dad on the scene and family nearby. It’s up to them to sort their childcare.

I am also a teacher and friends are constantly using asking me to take care of their kids in the school holidays. I just say no most of the time because they tend to take advantage and I’ve no headspace for their childcare issues or indeed adding another child to my already full house.

Fuck me she has enough help without roping you in!

Don't feel guilty.