Leaving plans as a maybe until the last minute.

[tootitoot]

We have a couple of friends who we’ve known a long time but lately whenever we arrange anything they always say we might be able to or maybe we will have to let you know, they do always end up being available but we feel we never know quite what we’re doing with them for example they might say we could probably do Saturday or Sunday and we’ll let you know, which they will last minute.
Last time we’d invited them, they said it should be ok and they’d let us know so when some other friends asked if we’d be home we arranged something with them and then last minute they made a plan and both turned up which was nice but they didn’t know each other and looked a bit awkward but I didn’t want to say no to one couple when we didn’t know what was going on.
Is this how most people are or are they being unreasonable and leaving us as a last resort if nothing better comes up?

I think you "maybe " friends are unreasonable

Do they avoid committing in case they get a better offer (I’m sure you’re a very good option OP, but you know what I mean)!

Suffering from a fluctuating chronic illness or have caring responsibilities or being on call at work are all reasonable excuses for this behaviour. But if its not for a reason like that I'd just start saying something like "can you let me know one way or the other by Thursday?"

Couldn’t cope with this level of flakiness.

if I invited you to my bbq this sat - it is a yes or no response required… so I can cater for correct numbers etc…

if they gave me a ‘we’ll see nearer the time’ I would tell them I’d decided not to go ahead and just go my own thing..

it would make new very hesitant to ask them to anything as I couldn’t be going with the uncertainty.

I think it is pretty rude - unless there is a really good reason behind it (one of them going through chemo etc and can never know how you’ll be until the day) where I would be totally understanding.

but general ‘I can’t be arsed to commit until the day’ is just unacceptable and I eiukfn’y put you much effort into maintaining a friendship with people who can’t commit .

Why are you putting up with this shitty behaviour?
Ask for an answer and make it clear you'd like to be free to make your own plans too.

It does seem like it doesn’t it, but they didn’t used to be like this. We both have children who like to play together when we get together so I don’t want to tell the kids we’re seeing them until we know for sure and they want to know what we’re doing over the weekend and they might say yes Saturday or Sunday we’ll let you know and I don’t want to keep both days free and not know what we’re up to.

"That's cool. Will you be able to let us know by tomorrow in case we want to make other plans?"

I have a friend who used to say, ‘shall we play it by ear?’ to almost every arrangement. The answer soon became, ‘ah no, that doesn’t really work for me. Let me know when you can commit?’

It may feel free and spontaneous to some but it certainly doesn’t to the person being kept on hold.

That’s very annoying and I would pull them up on it. If you are making the plan on WhatsApp send a poll yes/no as you need numbers.

Exactly I want to cater if I’m doing a bbq or if we’re having a picnic in the park I want to prepare not just a text at 10am saying what’s the plan for today then?

Unreliability is for train companies not friendships.

Your first friends were only a maybe, so you made plans with other friends - all fine. When the first friends arrived you shouldn’t have let them in, you should have pointed out to them that they didn’t accept your invitation so you made other plans.

If you invite them out they are either free or not, so it’s a yes or no. “We will let you know” means they are waiting for a better offer, unless they give you a valid reason for needing to wait.
Be less available. If you always hang around and be available for their “maybe” nonsense then they will always treat you like this.

If I invited someone round and they said they'd let me know, I'd reply ok lets leave it for now until we can find a date you can commit to.

Just give them a deadline?

"let me know by xyz because I want to book something on the other day".

If they havent' confirmed by the deadline, they are not coming.

I’ve a friend like this. Every arrangement remains in flux until the day itself. It's maddening. They don't seem to appreciate I'm blocking off a whole day for a coffee meetup while they dither or have a lie in.

I think it's a combination of their energy levels, ADHD and their wanting to hold a finger up to the wind on the day and see how they feel. They've a tendency to lateness so I think it's also a way of not being late. If they confirm the meeting time only when they are finally leaving the house to catch a bus, then they won't be late!

If I try to set boundaries or artificial ultimatums they treat me as if I'm being uptight, dishonest or unreasonable. I think it's some kind of power play or test but I'm not sure it's totally conscious on their part.

I try to put my foot down and insist our meeting arrangements are confirmed the evening before. It doesn't always work. The other tactic is to have a hard end time when I have to leave, so if they are late they get less time with me. I've had some success with that.

Also have a guy at work who never properly commits 100% but only says a particular date "should" be OK. Made me anxious and frustrated as if he dropped out I would be fecked. (He never does though.) But his use of "should" irritates me.

Sorry this isn't very helpful - just empathising!

Very silly to be accepting such rudeness.
Wouldn't tolerate for a minute.
They can either commit by a date or another time.
You are really making little of yourself allowing them to be so flaky.

This too.

If someone said not sure to me and didn't offer a "may I let you know by X date", I would absolutely take that as another time.

I wouldn't be asking again though.
I don't do rudeness nor flakiness at all.

Do they ever arrange meet ups, or do you only see them when you make plans?

They are being very unreasonable. But you can set out the rules: When a friend of mine does this I simply say "Let's do this another time when you have more visibility whether you can make it or not". Somehow she then knows she's available. Every time.

I'm not excusing this because I find it maddening but there are people in this life who hate planning and feel compromised by having to adhere to other people's plans and deadlines. I have a very old friend who is otherwise wonderful but is chronically incapable of committing. She will usually come through at the last minute but she is congenitally incapable of saying: "yes I'm free on Friday 5th I'd love to see you". It's always: "that sounds great let me check with [ex partner]'" and I always have to chase.

I genuinely don't think its a "better offer" scenario, she is just a "go with the flow" person and will always take the social option with the least commitment and hassle because she hates having to plan ahead.

I've pulled her up on it in the past and she once said having to stick to deadlines felt "controlling". It's absolutely maddening. It has the effect of making me feel like the junior partner in the friendship and like a nag.

I don't know what the answer is. If they are otherwise good friends you could say something to them? If they're not I'd honestly write them off.

They do make plans with us, otherwise I’d take the hint but they do actually make an effort when they want to. They asked if we were free this weekend and said we’ll have to plan something and said they’d speak to the the other and so far all we’ve heard is yes that’s probably ok for this weekend they’ll let us know what day.
I like to be organised, we work full time and like to look forward to the weekend and know what we’re up to, it seems to be a fairly new thing with them.

I could never get a definte Yes or No answer from my Ex regarding future plans, holidays etc. He just didn't want to commit which made everything last minute so pricy . Think he thought his job was super important.

Have a friend like this too . Never reply straight away , has to think about it . I think it's because she never knows how she will feel on the day as she suffers from IBS and anxiety about it. Gotten so used to it now that we reckon most things without her.

I struggle to commit to plans because of anxiety, but I am very clear of that being the reason and would say no willingly if given a deadline that I couldn’t meet.

Different opinion here: I’m a plan maker but my partner has adhd. Im
always trying to get him to firm up
plans with friends but it breaks his brain as he doesn’t know if he can do it on the day and doesn’t want to commit in case he can’t. So while I still get mad at him
because I think people deserve to know what the plans are, I don’t think it’s necessarily because people don’t value your friendship or are holding out for better offers. But you know them
best and can gage what they’re like.

I hate this sort of flakiness. Its fundamentally self centred, expecting people to flex around you so that you can do whatever you want whenever.

If I'm being honest I tend to simply stop trying with these types of people very fast.