Leaving plans as a maybe until the last minute.

[tootitoot]

We have a couple of friends who we’ve known a long time but lately whenever we arrange anything they always say we might be able to or maybe we will have to let you know, they do always end up being available but we feel we never know quite what we’re doing with them for example they might say we could probably do Saturday or Sunday and we’ll let you know, which they will last minute.
Last time we’d invited them, they said it should be ok and they’d let us know so when some other friends asked if we’d be home we arranged something with them and then last minute they made a plan and both turned up which was nice but they didn’t know each other and looked a bit awkward but I didn’t want to say no to one couple when we didn’t know what was going on.
Is this how most people are or are they being unreasonable and leaving us as a last resort if nothing better comes up?

@tootitoot
I ‘ve written about this before. Obviously I have no idea about your friends, but I am neurodivergent, ASD and ADHD and I absolutely hate making plans.
My long term close friends and family are all people who function on the same level as I do, ie spontaneity and the least amount of forward planning possible.

I read on here about how people like me are seen as flakey and rude, and that’s partly the reason why we try so hard to conform to what is considered to be the gold standard, planning, organisation, booking etc.
I fully understand that for some types of event, ones that require booking in advance or some sort of event where numbers in attendance is important information, then I need to do what is required to either confirm or not, but I still hate confirming. I do it, but hate it.

It’s not a case of waiting for other offers, for people with ND, we often only do one thing at a time, and therefore if you ask about whether I want to do something in 3 weeks time, and I have multiple other things happening in the run up to then, then if allowed to function as I do on a daily basis, I have to first jump those hurdles and when I have done the last one, only then can I think about your event.
Now I can give you all my focus, and most of the time I would then love to attend your event, but for you the time frame is too short. You can’t accommodate people at such short notice, and I understand that, because presumably you are organising things in the best way for you, and rightly so.

So I either say no, sorry I can’t make it, even though it’s not true, or I say something like , can I tell you nearer the time, and risk being called rude.

So just putting it out there. Many ND people can’t plan ahead, and it makes life difficult.
It does also work the other way round though. I remember feeling quite hurt when a friend could never find the time for me at short notice. She could never come out for a coffee without it being scheduled weeks in advance, could never answer the phone for a chat or drop by with the kids to play.
She made me feel that by scheduling all her life, and leaving no time for what I value in a friendship, she didn’t value me at all. I realise now that she probably couldn’t do things differently, just as I can’t function differently to how I am made.

I think with people like this OP you can’t change them so you can only limit their ability to mess up your time. Never give them a whole weekend again. If they ask if you are free at the weekend, say you can do something on the Sunday but busy on Saturday (or other way round). Even if you are free all weekend, hold only one day/evening.

If they don’t confirm when you invite them a long time in advance, stop inviting them to things in advance, send a “hi friend, are you free this afternoon for the kids to play?” Or a Friday evening send a “free for a coffee in the morning?” Message.

just don’t leave them holding large chunks of your time.

It’s pathetic really, isn’t it? Grown adults who can’t give a straight answer, or at least explain clearly why they might genuinely be a maybe and when they’ll be able to confirm.

If they gave me a maybe I’d just take it as a no, in the absence of any actual rationale.

That’s fine - that’s how you are.

we are all different - but not everyone can easily deal with last minute.com plans

I’m autistic and can’t bear not knowing what’s going on. I like to make plans so I can prepare myself and rest enough to cope with social interactions.

all ND people are different. We are not all like you.

some of us like to have firm plans and having someone say ‘let’s see on the day ‘ means my whole weekend is in flux and I am unable to relax as I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

Advance planing mean I can fit in all the things I need to do , see people I want to see and give me time to rest etc.

i won’t necessary think about it until closer to the event as I live each day at a time - but having things ‘in the diary’ is something positive to work towards and reminds me to buy food / cake etc nearer the time to be a good host on the day

not every ND person is the same.

OP if they say plans at the weekend, then you go ahead and make plans as suit you.
If they come back and try to dictate a specific time you then know they expect that you have so little going on, you will keep a whole weekend free just to see them.

Madness to make so little of yourself.
We teach people how to treat us.

Be unavailable, make other plans, invest in other people.

Don't allow your children see you so desperate for their company.

Take control of this.

@Tulipssndturkeys
Oh I completely understand, I know that everyone is different. We are a family full of people with ND, some of whom require planning, routine and structure in great detail. Family holidays are difficult as you can imagine!

I was just putting it out there that it isn’t always as simple as saying this type of behaviour is rude. It’s just to remind people that for some people with invisible disabilities, what the majority of the population consider standard adult abilities, aren’t always possible for everyone and it’s not a case of being rude or flaky.

@8isgreat

I can completely relate to this. I'm not naturally a planner. I find it stressful. I don't know if I've ND, never been diagnosed but planning things weeks ahead brings me out in a cold sweat and I put it off.

But at some point as an adult you have to move past this and recognise that if your inability to confirm things is inconveniencing and potentially hurting other people you have to hold your nose and do it.

It's one thing to not want to plan what you're going to wear to something nine months hence (as my partner will do). That much advance planning is faintly ridiculous and unecessary. But not confirming that you're going to meet a friend in a fortnight who needs to know because otherwise they won't be able to go is just rude and selfish.

They are keeping their options open, while closing down yours. And also assuming control of what happens, and when.

This is not normal or acceptable. In your position I would start trying to pin them down by, as others have suggested, giving them a deadline to let you know AND HOLDING THEM TO IT.

I have a few very old friends where we’ll often block out the diary and agree what we’re doing nearer the time…..if we’re eating out, or if someone is cooking, or who’s house we’re going to, or depends what the weather is doing if we do something outside etc but if it’s in the diary it always happens! Your friends sound flaky and not particularly good friends.

It depends why they are doing it really. If it's just to see if there is a better offer then that's a bit shitty.

I say maybe to everything but it's because I have a fluctuating disability that changes rapidly. I can be fine one day and unable to walk/in too much pain to do anything the next. Every plan I make comes with the qualifier "If I'm able on that day". We try and avoid booking anything with non-refundable tickets.

I was supposed to be going out for lunch on Monday but when morning rolled around I physically couldn't get dressed so we are going to try again this weekend. Fingers crossed.

Is there any chance one of them/a child has some health issues they might be struggling with?

This is an increadible interesting perspective. I found it very helpful to read. But - much as I wish I could say I get it, but I’m still struggling to really understand. Do you not enjoy the anticipation of knowing “I’m seeing X at our favourite restaurant next Thursday” and getting to look forward to it for a couple of weeks?