Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Things feel harder now that he’s moved in

41 replies

myfriendsfamily · 19/06/2025 14:20

DP and I are expecting our first child together. I have a 17 year old DS from my previous marriage.

DP is struggling to sell his home because it needs work, so he moved in with me a few months ago. We were living separately up until I was around 5 months pregnant because I wanted to keep my DS settled as he was doing big exams and has ASD.

DP and I had hoped to buy a house together before our baby arrives but sadly this is now not possible. Staying at my house long term is also not possible as it’s too small, but it’s the best option for now.

Since DP moved in, I am finding things much harder. What triggered me to write this post was having to take the bin out shortly after he left for work and it pulling my back out. I am currently on early maternity leave and studying.

I feel like I have no time to myself anymore, even to study. I am constantly cleaning up after DP and my teenager. I am now doing washing for 3 people, cooking and preparing most of the meals. DP will just dump his stuff down and I am forever putting things away. We keep our finances separate but I find I pay for most groceries as well as all the bills in my home, while he does (to be fair) pay more petrol to get to/from work and still has to pay his own mortgage and bills.

I am struggling to know where the balance is here and what to expect from him. Financially and practically. All I know is that my days now feel harder.

Any advice is very welcome.

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 19/06/2025 14:21

Communication - you need to have a frank chat about it.

Agix · 19/06/2025 14:22

Having two people to manage the house should feel easier than having just yourself to manage the house.

If it feels harder in any way whatsoever, he's not pulling his weight.

owlexpress · 19/06/2025 14:32

Why are you doing his washing, all the cooking and (what sounds like) most of the cleaning? Finances actually sound reasonable given he's still maintaining his own house, that's a different discussion. Are you on early maternity leave for health reasons? What are you studying for?

nodramaplz · 19/06/2025 14:35

Is always easy to do things on your own- when you’re on your own!
But having to do things on your own when you’re living with someone who is supposed to help, is resentful!!

DO NOT SELL HIS HOUSE until you’ve both established living together & know it can work

GrumpyInsomniac · 19/06/2025 14:37

You’re going to have to talk to him and remind him that he used to function as an adult and manage his own laundry and cleaning, and that you are not providing maid service. That you’re supposed to be a team and he’s treating you like a servant.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/06/2025 14:38

Lay down ground rules now. Don't do DP's washing, and as soon as DS finishes his exams, show him how to do his own, if he doesn't already know.
Have a conversation with DP in which you tell him he should be paying 1/3 of all the bills, including groceries, His expenses are not really your problem, he might pay more to travel, but you are paying for DC, so don't feel you need to compensate for that. Once the baby is born and you are maternity leave, he will need to contribute more.
Tell DP that you don't want to be picking up after him, and not only that, that you are pregnant , heavy stuff like bins could be dealt with by him. DS also needs to pull his weight. Clearly there are big changes going on for him, which will be difficult, but he needs to understand that you need help now, and that he needs to be more independent.
I speak from experience, I wish I'd been stricter with DH and DS from the outset. After 35years together, DH is doing his own washing, and not moaning about it. I just stopped doing it. Your DP needs to be more respectful of your space. If you ask him to put his things away and he doesn't, then pick it all up and put it a box/bag without comment, and leave it there.
But if he is not respecting your space and not listening to you when tell him, then maybe this isn't going to work out. It's worrying that he isn't offering you help and money, you shouldn't have to ask, really.

Tirednessismydefult · 19/06/2025 14:40

He still has his house and you haven’t bought a property together yet. Now is the time he needs to prove to you what living together will be like. He can either step up and be an adult, or he can fuck off back home.

Being an adult is seeing the bin is full and taking the bag with you on the way out! Putting your stuff away, and cooking your fair share.

TBH your first clue that this man is a lazy shit is that his house is unsellable because he hasn’t done any of the work that needs doing one it.

Have a hard conversation now about expectations, whilst you can still easily shove him back to his if he won’t step up.

You’re pregnant and going to have a baby to look after, you don’t need two.

Dweetfidilove · 19/06/2025 14:41

Ask yourself why a grown man who lived on his own has no concept of tidying up after himself or contribute to household finances.
Presumably this is not how he ran his home while you were dating, or you wouldn't have chosen to set up home with him?
He's either an inconsiderate ass or he's shaping up to be a freeloader.

How will this work once you've borne his child? You'll be in recovery, exhausted and broke.

And why wasn't this sorted out before he landed in your house?

And more importantly, why have you taken on all these responsibilities and haven't had a word to tell him this is not going to work?
And why are you picking up after a 17 year old?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/06/2025 14:42

Why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing for two grown men?

beetr00 · 19/06/2025 14:53

@myfriendsfamily

Could it be worth him moving back to his and spending his time bringing it up to standard?

He also should be paying a percentage of the bills at your home, not just his mortgage and petrol, surely!

eta; he has to eat too, wherever he lays his hat!!

2024onwardsandup · 19/06/2025 14:59

Why are you doing his washing and cooking his food!!??

why do you think that is your job!!??

lazyarse123 · 19/06/2025 15:04

Get them both told to do their own laundry or at least take it in turns. Cook at least 2 dinners a week and put away their own shit. Time to grow up.

Justchillinhere · 19/06/2025 15:04

It's definitely unfair for you to be doing everything in the house when you have two grown adults that should be sharing the load. You need to communicate your expectations with both, but I don't understand why paying his own bills and mortgage is as you say "fair" That doesn't benefit you in any way. He should not be living rent free, you are not working as a team, he is freeloading. It's supposed to be great at the start of a new chapter in your life but you are doing everything, time to have separate frank discussions with them both

Y2ker · 19/06/2025 15:06

Op, having been married for years and now living just with my kids I can fully relate - you know where you are if you're on your own - you can manage the house, kids and finances etc. I think it's always a surprise as we're meant to believe that a two adult household is easier. You need to establish the rules now- including who pays for what and who does what- before he's sold his house and there's no going back.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/06/2025 15:07

Agix · 19/06/2025 14:22

Having two people to manage the house should feel easier than having just yourself to manage the house.

If it feels harder in any way whatsoever, he's not pulling his weight.

Absolutely this!

Steelworks · 19/06/2025 15:25

You need to set expectations of behaviour in the house.

Food/utility - he’s not cooking or living at his own house so he pays a third of food and utility bills

Cleaning - you get teen and dp to clean up after themselves. Be a nag and remind them. Don’t let them get away with it

Meals - take turns or dp boobs fro/sat/sun and you do weekdays. Teen can do one meal per week during school holidays

Dp dumping stuff - again nag and ask him to put it away, or if he ‘forgets’ pick it up and dump it in the shed or garage.

if you want dp to change, you’re going to have to explain your expectations. Only (and if) he improves (long term) then buy a house. Use this as a trial run.

Steelworks · 19/06/2025 15:27

(And if he doesn’t change, he’s a cocklodger and needs kicking out. Don’t teach teen this is how life should be).

Enrichetta · 19/06/2025 15:28

Have him move out NOW would be my strong advice...

honeylulu · 19/06/2025 15:45

Bloody hell, why are you doing the cooking cleaning and laundry for three people? It should be split between you and partner (with 17 year old helping out). Your burden should be lessened not increased.

And why are you buying all groceries? If partner wants to eat the food and use the toiletries then of course he should pay a share. I expect because he doesn't cook he doesn't give a thought to how the food magically appears in the fridge.

Set the record straight ASAP or you'll have a lifetime of this crap.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/06/2025 15:52

He needs to go back to his house by the end of the week, give you space and then you can have a discussion about why it went wrong.

Snoken · 19/06/2025 15:54

Yea, you need to not live with him. He's basically an overgrown teenager who can't even look after himself, not to mention looking after you and his future child. His house is in such a state that it's proving difficult to sell, he doesn't tidy or clean, he doesn't cook, he doesn't even do the one job that for some reason is a given for even the most useless of men; taking the bins out.

You have to tell him that he needs to move back into his house. What you are showing your son by living with this man is going to be damaging his view of relationships too. You need to model good and healthy relationships to him, not this one-sided shit situation.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 19/06/2025 15:58

He's not a partner in any sense, the only reason to have a boyfriend is for your life to be enhanced, easier, fun, that's the whole point.
This one is a pointless misogynist, best get him out of your property, prioritise your property, financial independence and co-parenting with the man.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/06/2025 16:00

This is the period when he should be showing you how happy you'll be living together, instead he's decided that as you're having his DC you're trapped and will put up with his bad behaviour. This will only get worse once the baby is here Op so you need to mark his cards and tell him he'll be leaving if he doesn't shape up. Stop cooking, washing and cleaning for him and he'll show you his true colours I expect

AppleOfMyThirdEye · 19/06/2025 16:10

What am I reading?!

why have you let him move in without discussing finances and housework?

he’s behaving like a cocklodger.

this requires communication.

he needs to contribute to bills and should be supporting you around the house, not giving you more to do!

InterestedDad37 · 19/06/2025 16:16

Sort out the money by talking about it.
Decide if you are actually ready to live together.
You have one son and a baby on the way - don't also become mother to a lazy sod who should know better 👍