Things feel harder now that he’s moved in

[myfriendsfamily]

DP and I are expecting our first child together. I have a 17 year old DS from my previous marriage.

DP is struggling to sell his home because it needs work, so he moved in with me a few months ago. We were living separately up until I was around 5 months pregnant because I wanted to keep my DS settled as he was doing big exams and has ASD.

DP and I had hoped to buy a house together before our baby arrives but sadly this is now not possible. Staying at my house long term is also not possible as it’s too small, but it’s the best option for now.

Since DP moved in, I am finding things much harder. What triggered me to write this post was having to take the bin out shortly after he left for work and it pulling my back out. I am currently on early maternity leave and studying.

I feel like I have no time to myself anymore, even to study. I am constantly cleaning up after DP and my teenager. I am now doing washing for 3 people, cooking and preparing most of the meals. DP will just dump his stuff down and I am forever putting things away. We keep our finances separate but I find I pay for most groceries as well as all the bills in my home, while he does (to be fair) pay more petrol to get to/from work and still has to pay his own mortgage and bills.

I am struggling to know where the balance is here and what to expect from him. Financially and practically. All I know is that my days now feel harder.

Any advice is very welcome.

He moved in with you even though he still has his place because it's easier for him to have a bangmaid. Of course it's more difficult for you. He doesn't carry his weight domestically or financially. It's going to be even worse after you have the baby. You've got yourself a cocklodger.

Move him back out. It's not working.

If you and ds have been used to being one unit, and he's been used to being his own unit, then it is normal for there to be some adjustments all round when you try and combine them.

What you need to do - as per the first reply, and then others as well - is communicate. Talk to each other. Ask how he thinks it will work spitting the chores - are you all taking turns with things (including the near adult son), or does one of you enjoy cooking, or have a particularly high standard of bathroom cleaning or does one of you like maintaining the garden and not mind at all taking bins out. Personally, I'd rather wash up than cook, and know a lot more people would love to have someone clear up after they have cooked. I hear on here, lots of people hate laundry, but I am more than happy doing the laundry. There's no rules about who needs to do what, but you have 3 adults in the house now, so there should be a fairly even breakdown of who does what towards the running of the home / garden / cars / etc.

Money, you should have been talking about a long time ago. What have you agreed ? What will happen when you have the baby, etc?

It's called negotiation and a grown up discussion.

Presumably he cooked his own meals before he moved in, and managed to wash his own pants??

So sit down and discuss who is doing what in the partnership. Be direct with your questions. e.g. "which nights would you like to cook?". "would you like to be responsible for doing the food shop or doing bins and mowing the lawn?

Oh so he has conveniently moved in, cant sell his, nor will he buy with you.

Got his foot in the door though, made sure of that.

He has a pregnant skivvy paying for him too.

Your poor son of 17.
Why would you thinking starting again with a loser was a good idea?

Rethink this.
Rethink the pregnancy if you can.

Get this loser out of your home today.

Mind yourself and your son.
Your life is only going to get a lot harder if you don't wake up quickly to being used.

You both deserve much better.

Frank honest discussion before resentment grows

Unless he has been working all the hours possible on the house around his day job to get it into a saleable state, you should tell him he is making your life harder and more expensive, and that he needs to move home and get on with the work living in situ.

This @myfriendsfamily

This!

As PP said, all of this should have been discussed before he moved in and took advantage. You need to ask him to sit down and talk about how to split the bills and the housework. If he doesn't agree, or doesn't stick to it, then he needs to move out. He needs to pay for his fair share, so you do have to talk about this.

If his house is empty, then he can move back there.

A partner ship is only worth having if it is mutually beneficial, ergo, this is not a partnership, this is him exploiting you. Exploiting you whilst you are at your most vulnerable and in need of support & protection.
This does not bode well for the future OP😕

You decided to have a baby together before you knew if you were compatible?

I despair!

Ah, c'mon now
Yes OP has been unwise, too trusting (who amoungst us hasn't?!) she isnt the one doing the exploiting though is she.
Please let's not berate her, cant we just try & help her?

Ruddy hell @myfriendsfamily , he's taking the absolute p!$$.
Best advice would be to move him back to his place to learn to adult again.
However if you want to give him another chance some rules need to be put in place with a probationary period.
He does not just dump his stuff for you to clear away. Anything just left will be put in a bin bag and put outside. Doesn't matter what it is or if it's raining.
He does his own washing.
He shops, pays for & cooks 3 nights a week.
He puts the bins out.
He pays a third of the utility bills & grocery shopping. Food does not magically appear in the fridge free of charge. He uses toilet roll & toothpaste so he can pay towards it.

Any "oh but I have to pay xyz at my house . . .
. " you reply with yes and you are increasing my bills by using everything whilst living here. If you don't want to pay your way you can move back to your house and we will re evaluate things.

Stop letting him take advantage & work out what child maintenance he would pay you by using the CMS calculator. If he gets petty this will be useful info.

Oh OP, you've been incredibly foolish.

Move him back out and accept that you'll likely be raising this baby alone.

Sorry OP but you are being a mug - you have two adult men in your home and you're running around cooking and cleaning and doing their laundry heavily pregnant? You need to sit down and start making it very clear that they are not pulling their weight, especially your partner! You are soon going to have a baby to look after, who's going to be looking after you? Sort this out now before the baby comes.

Your DS is 17 and DP is a grown ass man. They both need to clean after themselves.