AIBU to expect a present for my 8 year old from aunt/uncle?

[BritBratGrot]

Interested in ratios from this board as to whether IABU or not

My brother and his wife have 5 children. I've got each child a present for bday and xmas every year of their life, though now that some children are more grown up the presents are smaller, and once they're over 21 it's generally just a card or poss a small thing like a lip balm.

Not spent a fortune, £15-£20 when young, then £10-£15 cash when teens, and £50 on 21st as a special event.

My brother gave a very clear message when he started having kids that this was important to him, and then he and his wife decided adult presents were to be stopped, so for many years I was gifting to his family 10 times a year and receiving nothing in return. I didn't complain or question it once.

I have had 2 children now, and for my daughter's 6th birthday last month they sent just a card. I finally picked up the courage /wording to question this - maybe something had gone missing in the post? And got a nice polite reply that this year they have sent just a card.

AIBU to think it's a bit shifty to accept presents for 5 kids over 20+ years but decide to stop giving presents now?

If he'd told me this decision at the beginning of the year I'd have been less annoyed but guess what? His kids birthdays have all been before mine, and I gifted cash to each.

He's not poor, on over £100K and lives in a fairly cheap part of the country.

Yes that is really selfish of him but you can’t make him buy presents. Stop buying at all for his family. Even if that saves you £30 a year you can put that towards something for your kids or yourself.

Chalking your brother into the massive column labelled 'men are dicks'.

My brother gave a very clear message when he started having kids that this was important to him

Because of this bit, if it was my brother I would directly say to him 'you told me when S was born that you thought it was important for me to give presents to your children, and I have done, so I think you should buy presents for my children'. He has probably forgotten, 5 children later, that he ever said this and will have been assuming you just wanted to give presents.

^ this. Don’t let him weasel out of it!!

Your brother is being a douchebag, that’s for sure but you shouldn’t give to receive either, just because your brother made it clear he expected presents, you could still have said no. I’m sure your nieces and nephews really appreciated the gifts and money, and that’s what really matters.

Hard one to call. I wouldn't have been pushed into buying/spending more than I was happy to do and tend to ignore 'instructions' from family members.

Whilst you can't make people buy gifts, I think there is a reasonable expectation of reciprocity.

Is he generally mean?

He may just have gone past the stage where he understands how excited children are about getting gifts in the post or he might just be a selfish git.

So a bit YABU/YANBU mix really

I know you're right

It just hurts that it was demanded of me to give presents when i was a poor student etc and I don't get the same back

I don't mind if the present is small, or £5 or whatever. But nothing at all is really hurtful

For me presents mean love whereas for him they clearly don't. So i know this is a me thing which I need to get over

Luckily DH's two childless siblings are generous with presents so my kids feel loved and treated by their wider family. And to reassure MN his family have a rigid pre-agreed present budget and we're always generous to them back, though these days that normal means going for a nice meal somewhere together rather than buying items

I don't mind what we do, it just needs to be fair and equal

I think by their third child I would have already started massively dialling back on the costs of their Homer’s let alone the fifth.

Obviously he’s massively unreasonable but you can’t make him want to buy his niece a gift. Anything you say will be held against you so you’re probably better being the bigger person and just filing this one away as a note on your brothers personality.

sorry

edited to add. Do his kids ever buy your daughter a birthday or even an adhoc gift if they’re seeing her tho? If you’re interested in ‘breaking even’ on gifts this could help mentally if they’re seeing did

YANBU, he's a dickhead. I'd reply and say 'ah great, just cards for nieces and nephews from now on. That will save me a lot of money!'

(I'm passive aggressive tho. You may wish to take the high road)

I understand that you feel hurt if gift giving and receiving is your love language, but also I don’t think it’s a healthy thought process to say something like “DHs siblings are generous with presents so my children feel loved by other members of the family”, you should be reinforcing to your children that it’s not about gifts, it’s about the quality time and effort. Who shows up to your dance show, who checks up on you if you’re sick, who makes plans to see you. Thats love and family.

It's so easy to demand for yourself but forget to return the favours. I wouldn't be surprised not receiving a gift for your child.
I would be very honest about my disappointment. And not waited 8 years.

I think he’s a miser for doing that . You can’t make him buy them though but I would be reminding him of what he said about gift buying for his kids many years ago . It doesn’t have to come across aggressive from you , but , you obviously have the same sentiment as him because you are hurt about your child not receiving a gift . So tell him the same thing he told you , not because you want to get back at him, but because it’s true . Then wait and see .

Just reply 'Good idea. We'll drop presents from now on.'

No way! He owes you 8 years of gifts for 5 kids … cheeky, tight (your expletive of choice)

Thanks for replies, I'm slowly accepting it's just one of those things!

I wasn't clear, he (his wife) has sent presents every previous year, just decided to stop this year for some reason. As i say if he'd announced this after Xmas I'd be less miffed as i wouldn't have sent something to 4 of his children already this year

Anyway moving on...

And to the pp who mentioned about damce recitals etc - you've got a point. None of the aunts and uncles are involved like that, but luckily all grandparents are

Are you sure he “demanded that you buy his kids presents”??

We have said to family, now we have children please don’t feel obligated to buy us and the children presents, just the children is absolutely fine. That wasn’t a demand that people by my kids presents. It was a “demand” that they don’t buy me and DH any. It sounds to me like that’s what your DB meant.

Also a £100k ish salary with 5 kids is fuck all these days. Especially if the kids are all older and at uni, getting driving lessons, needing help with rent/house deposits etc.

I am very sure of my wording on this one. I forget what he said but something along the lines of 'Christmas and birthdays are for children so don't buy us presents and we won't buy you any, please buy just for our children.

And fine, £100K might not be riches beyond compare, but if it's enough to be able to spend a fiver on your niece without it meaning you can't heat the house.

And they live in a cheap northern area and spend plenty on season tickets to football, new clothes etc. All fine, I spend my money how I like too. But the reason for this change is emphatically not shortage of money, that was the point i wanted to pre-empt

Letting off steam here has helped, as has a lovely friend who listened without judgement and helped me put it in perspective. Thanks MN for letting me talk this through

My sister did the same once her children were grown...she seemed to forget I had spent 18 years lovingly choosing gifts for her kids.
She no longer sends a card either 🙄

What a CF!
He's been extorting you ...kinda.
Tell him to get f**ked

Yeah. My XHs family were like this too. Happy to receive for 10 years and then we had a baby. Suddenly there were 'too many children in the family to buy for' and 'this Christmas we'll do a Secret Santa for the children and everyone picks out one name and buys for that child'.

It's all so odd isn't it.

I guess I'm quite transactional when it comes to presents... I grew up without much and presents were a really big deal - often the only time in a year I'd get something new or get new clothes.

Due to always being the poorest I'm paranoid about not paying my way, and also really sensitive when someone richer than me doesn't pay their way.

Also... Perspective... I need to chill and be thankful that I'm the only person bothered by this (DD hadn't noticed) and realise that family harmony is sometimes more important than 'fairness'

Well I used to send my cousins kids present at Christmas- they live abroad - and rarely got a thank you. Then one year around Easter she said ‘oh I know you sent the kids presents but they get so many I can’t remember what they were’. The was when it ended.
Yes it’s a bit mean not reciprocating when it’s now your time, but again this has happened to me, as I had my kids a number of years after most of my friends. Lesson? Don’t get presents for extended family.

Wow what a pair of arseholes. They collected gifts for 20years and decided to not do that for your kids. I would take this as a massive issue tbh. It’s really not ok to demand it of you and then turn around when it doesn’t suit them. Both of them - horrible.

Op don’t be so accepting of this, because it’s about your kids. He stood up to you and told you what to do regarding his 5 kids and ensured they were treated very well by the family. Shouldn’t you expect the same for your kids?

That’s really crap of them. Harmony is all well and good but this could colour the way I viewed them moving forward.