To stop being a people pleaser

[RoadtoPetition]

I think I’m a bit of a people pleaser. It’s lessened as I’ve got older and stopped giving as much of a f*, but definitely still a tendency.

I was wondering if anyone else was the same and had actively stopped, and what happened?

I still think I have a slight fear that I’ll lose friendships and connections, although if I do, were they worth having in the first place? Hence me asking for other experiences of this.

Yep, was for years. Ended up going for counselling because I was so stressed. Worked on boundaries. Saying no gets easier the more you do it although I still feel myself slipping back into it at times. I’m peri too and that definitely makes things easier too because you have so much less patience for everyone’s shit.
one of the main things I remember from counselling was that I’m not responsible for how others feel when I say no- that was a big help

It might help to reframe your thinking of why you try to please. Ultimately, you think you behave as you do because you’re trying to please other people; but actually, you’re trying to please yourself - by trying to ensure not having to feel awkward or guilty or other negative emotions if somebody dislikes a choice you’ve made or something you’ve said or a refusal to do something.

Mostly, other people aren’t pleased by people pleasers: I find it utterly infuriating when somebody won’t make a decision and tries to foist it onto me because they fear making the “wrong” choice; or I can’t get a straight statement out of them because they’re mincing their words all over the place; or they constantly ask for reassurance that they’re being pleasing which I’m expected to give; or they say yes when really they’d like to say no, and then there’s resentment later as a result. It isn’t pleasing!

The majority of people appreciate it when those around them say what they mean, and mean what they say. If you communicate clearly and confidently without trying to second guess people, you’re actually less likely to offend or upset them; a clear and confident communicator is also more likely to gain others’ respect and confidence that they are not somebody who will have been actively trying to upset or offend.

Have surety in your choices. Worry less about the what ifs. Believe that at a basic level, nothing bad actually happens if people think invisible thoughts in their head about you. That’s their issue to carry, not yours. If people dislike you as a result of a change in behaviour, they weren’t worth having around in the first place.

These are my thoughts on it: there's a difference between being a people pleaser and someone who is genuinely generous.

Being a people pleaser is selfish - you please others in order to get the reaction you want, and if you don't get that reaction you become resentful and angry.

Being generous is much more difficult - it means giving to people with zero expectation of return. That doesn't mean being a mug, or letting people walk all over you, it means giving when you can without looking for any reward.

I have had people pleasing tendencies in the past. I know some terrible people pleasers and tbh I've come to find some of them unbearable. My aim in life is to become as generous as possible. It's hard but I find it a good challenge.

OP I’m so glad you started this thread I struggle terribly with this

I think your approach will depend on whether you think you are just a bit too nice or you have a fawning trauma response. I can't really tell from your post @RoadtoPetition

I'm less of a pleaser than I was, but I wouldn't say it is something that I am cured of. My automatic default (through years of abuse as a child) is to please. I literally get a panicky feeling if I think that something I have done or failed to do has caused displeasure of any sort to another person. I can read a room and other people's emotions as soon as I walk in and immediately want to adjust the mood of others so that they are happy.

I had therapy and I'm definitely better. I am capable now of witnessing my own feelings in response to those of others and understand where that from and can usually buy myself some time before immediately responding by pleasing. I have learnt to say to myself that I am only responsible for my own feelings and behaviour and not those of others and then take it from there. I have also learnt that it is ok to say 'no'. This was something that I was completely forbidden from doing as a child, so I have actually had to learn how to do it and mean it. It is a slow process mentally for me though, so in the heat of the moment or under duress, I do sometimes still respond in my people pleasing ways.

@RoadtoPetition you have to work out the underlying reason for why you do it and then reconsider your response strategies.

I’ve got a fawning trauma response

it’s AWFUL and has got me into difficulties

People pleasers don't actually please many people.

If it's not convenient to pick up little Tarquin on Tuesday, please just say so, so I can ask someone else. It's very annoying when it gets back to me, as it often does, that X was moaning about how she 'had' to pick up Tarquin when she had so much else on. Etc etc.

Completely agree with @ComtesseDeSpair and @Notyomama Be yourself. People pleasers are extremely irritating, Say what you mean, mean what you say.

I should add that I have a lot of sympathy for people pleasers - I understand where it comes from. My MIL is a classic people pleaser - never ever says what she wants, then acts out when no one reads her mind - and I know it comes from her severely fucked-up childhood. What frustrates me (and sort of horrifies me) is how in her late 70s she still hasn't developed enough self-awareness to recognise how her behaviour hasn't served her and she's still going through the same patterns over and over pointlessly. I do not want to end up like that.

I stopped. In stages and then completely. best thing I ever did. When I was a 'people pleaser' I pleased no one. I had very few friends. No one likes or trusts a people-pleaser, which took me ages to realise, and longer to work out why and find I agreed with them. The people I pleased were manipulative - treating me like a service animal, never offering the thanks or gratitude or recognition of my martyrish ways that I craved back then.

Since stopping I have become far more myself. Lost a lot of selfish people from my life, made space for non-selfish ones. Highly recommended.

Agree with all these posts, it often comes from a desire to control often from childhood, if I am good abs obliging then my mum won’t x .

op there’s loads of resources online and podcasts , good to try and look (but not dwell) on where it stems from as it may be something that previously kept you safe and your body doesn’t know that it’s no longer needed. You also can’t please people into liking you, you don’t have that much control.

i always think of really popular people who remain popular in spite of doing some questionable stuff!

it all comes down to self worth so having that in you not needing other people so do some work on that.

bit the first step is done in that you’ve recognised it and want to change so hooray for you.

Yep used to be like this. I got over it with a combination of age and just training my brain to start caring far less what people think of me. My friendships are actually stronger as a result. I think people can view you as a pushover when you’re a people pleaser and think they don’t need to make any effort as ‘you won’t mind’

Stopping the people pleasing gives you an air of confidence which draws people to you, it doesn’t push them away.
Try matching people’s energy. Not in a game playing way but if, for example, you regularly have friends that take days to reply then do the same back. Don’t be passive aggressive and be your lovely self when you do get back in touch but just be a little more aloof and a little less available.

Agree you see it on here all the time, resentful martyring women (and that used to be me so I have sympathy) . It’s a real female issue assume because of how we are brought up and socialised to be quiet not speak our minds.

Snap. A lot of it is recognising when you are starting to do it and pulling yourself out of it in the moment.

its all based on feelings , you want to stop that awful panicky feeling so you fawn.

This is so well put. DH once said to me: You freak me out - you can read everyone's minds. How do you know what people are really thinking?

Years of practise at the beck and call of a tempestuous father who would be raging one minute, curled in a ball like a baby sobbing the next minute, then throwing open the front door to friends with a beaming smile on his face the next minute and expecting me to leap nimbly from performing the role of parent to his sobbing child to the role of perfect child of perfect father in perfect family, without missing a step or I'd get screamed at later. It makes you hyper-attentive to the tiniest signals of mood and desire in other people. And it makes you an expert at handling them.

Something i read years ago (can't remember where) but which really made an impact on me was: if you had to learn specific skills to survive an abusive childhood, you have become an expert in a highly specialised field, so it is natural to want to put these skills to use by replicating this role in adult relationships.

That insight helped me walk away from really manipulative, domineering and demanding friendships and made me take a break from men until I met DH who almost never tried to control me. The few times he has, I pushed back so hard, so quickly, he got the message and never tried again. (Which also taught me that most people, even very nice ones, will test the water and treat you how you allow yourself to be treated, so raise the bar as high and fast as you can.)

Yep, i used to be. I looked after my MIL on her death bed & the months leading up to it because her kids “couldnt get time off work” 🙄 only to then be turned on as they were angry at themselves for not being there and used me as a scapegoat.

I dont people please at all anymore, i even ignore the postman when hes knocking with the neighbours parcels.

Oh I hate this so much! I have some friends that I will never ask a favour of. I’ve never known them to say any bad about me (or it has never gotten back to me) but they do it with other people who ask them favours that they will make out they’re happy to do

Oh gosh this is me.

Agree @RedBeech . It is what helped me also leave my abusive ex-husband too.
I think there is possibly some misunderstanding on here about agreeableness vs genuine people pleasing or fawning but there we go!

I'm working on this too - I recently listened to the audiobook of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and found lots of it very helpful. You can buy the actual book too.

My people pleasing comes from wanting to be in control all the time and wanting people to respond in the ways I expect, and the book is about allowing adults to react however they will as they are responsible for their own feelings, so it was a big help to me.

Thank you for your interesting and helpful replies. It’s something that I really want to work on, so all these tips / literature recommendations are really useful.

I’m SO glad you started this thread OP and I want to permanently bookmark it.

I’m STILL struggling with people pleasing after my mum called me selfish as a teen for not being sociable enough. That insult landed very badly.

One thing that helps me a lot OP though is when i say no, even if im totally justified, i feel guilty except maybe when the other party has very obviously and very recently behaved badly towards me.

How I deal with this is KNOW I’ll feel guilty saying no but also knowing realistically I made the right decision..

I 100% used to be a people pleaser, and still am to some extent, I believe everyone should be treated with kindness and respect and softness and I used to try so hard . What happened? I realised tgat years of putting my own feelings last, and everyone elses feelings first meant that some people viewed me as someone they could walk all over, they (one person in particular) thought she could get away with speaking to me however the hell she pleased, and she went too far one day, and I said no more, and it felt great! I no longer live to accommodate others before my own little family and me, they are not important anymore :) Good luck

That’s just mean and ungenerous. I take my neighbour’ parcels in because it’s a kind thing to do and it’s hardly a burden, is it? I’d hope they take in mine too - and they often do.

Excellent post, @ComtesseDeSpair — this should be a sticky on all threads about people-pleasing. It’s not that the people-pleaser is ‘too nice’, it’s an attempt to stop themselves feeling uncomfortable emotions. Plus it doesn’t work as a way of making or keeping friends.