To stop being a people pleaser

[RoadtoPetition]

I think I’m a bit of a people pleaser. It’s lessened as I’ve got older and stopped giving as much of a f*, but definitely still a tendency.

I was wondering if anyone else was the same and had actively stopped, and what happened?

I still think I have a slight fear that I’ll lose friendships and connections, although if I do, were they worth having in the first place? Hence me asking for other experiences of this.

Yes, this is my mother. And she’s 80. And still gasps in horror if she sees me refuse a request or an invitation, or ask for something I want or need. It’s baffling to her that I have friends. But I spent my early 20s working on unlearning all the people-pleasing scripts she’d taught me and my sisters. And yes, she also learned people-pleasing because of her dreadful childhood, which I get and pity, but at some point you need to take responsibility for how you are in the world.

Possibly burnt out from years and years and years of people pleasing ?

My siblings all fell out with me (except one) - permanently and then they fell out with the only sibling who was still speaking to me. It hurt at the time, but ultimately it was a good thing, saying no and having boundaries should not cause people to fall out with you - but when I gave it some thought, it was the reason why I said yes - subconsciously I knew saying no was a deal breaker.

I used to want to be helpful and jump in with offers of support and help. A bit of a fixer. Funnily enough it was training to be a Samaritan listening volunteer that beat it out of me. I’ve now learned to listen and say I’m sorry and I hope they manage to sort it out.

DH now has to search for his own lost belongings and it feels so much calmer to let people sort out their own shit. Obviously I still offer help and support when I want to but it’s different.

People pleasing as an adult tends to be a result of how you were treated in childhood.
My narcissistic mother (and father but less so) instilled that in me so that all throughout my life I’ve attracted narcissistic friends and boyfriends. They just love a people pleaser!
After having my first child I realised I couldn’t bear to treat them the way I was treated and it was the start of taking a good hard look at my childhood and people pleasing tendencies.
Let’s just say that I lost 90% of the people in my life when I grew a backbone 😆
It’s been painful and hard but I’m a million times happier now that I’m strong and independent and know my own mind!
You will attracted new people in when you are true to yourself so letting go of the freeloaders is no problem.
I get it though, it’s much easier to not rock the boat and silently fume about how you are treated - that was me for most of my life.
But now I feel so FREE and it’s glorious!

I'm still working on it and really appreciate this thread! I asked for some grace from MIL during my pregnancy and the way she turned her family against me over it taught me (plus a previous experience) that these people literally couldn't give a shit about my welfare. They were more bothered about me serving them. After 10 years of it I've had enough. Instead of abandoning myself I expressed my needs, got some backlash but they've all left me alone now. It's given me time and space to realise I can do without people pleasing. 10 years later they still feel like they need to shit on me. I get thoughts like I may as well be dead if that's all I exist for. Remind yourself how many years people pleasing you have done and instead use that energy to give to yourself. I'm finding that's helping me to say no to others.

I actually wrote a little mantra for myself a few days ago, saying that it's not my job to fix everyone else's problems.

I was definitely socialised as a child to a life of service. It's crap and meant that I fell apart when my kids left home. But it's very much ingrained in me 😪

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

1. Recognise your reasons
2. Validate yourself
3. Protect your peace
4. Say “No” kindly
5. Remove toxic relationships
6. Introspect on what matters to you
7. Respect your time
8. Stop apologising unnecessarily
9. Accept the truth

100000% - I am a people pleaser and it's completely because I don't want any kind of challenging interaction in the moment, not at all because I really care more for the other person!

I am working on it but I do recognise it's about me and my wish to always have things smooth on the surface.

I would recommend the book Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrell. It really helped me reframe people pleasing and understand that it was nothing to do with actually pleasing them and all to do with my need to manage other people’s reactions to avoid conflict. So stopping isn’t harmful to the other person- if they are decent people it’s actually beneficial to relate on a more honest and straightforward footing.

This also really helped me - Askers v Guessers.

I think people pleasers are more likely to be guessers and that can feed into feelings of martyrdom and others taking advantage, when actually the others might just be Askers.

I haven't explained it very well but this link does :

"In Ask culture, people grow up believing they can ask for anything – a favour, a pay rise– fully realising the answer may be no. In Guess culture, by contrast, you avoid "putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes… A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."
Neither's "wrong", but when an Asker meets a Guesser, unpleasantness results. An Asker won't think it's rude to request two weeks in your spare room, but a Guess culture person will hear it as presumptuous and resent the agony involved in saying no. Your boss, asking for a project to be finished early, may be an overdemanding boor – or just an Asker, who's assuming you might decline. If you're a Guesser, you'll hear it as an expectation."

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

@ihavespoken that is such a good distinction.

@MargoLivebetter isn't it!! It was a real lightbulb moment for me when I READ it

OP I was a prolific people pleaser. Stems from a desperate want to be liked since childhood but came to the awful realisation recently that all I have been doing is putting myself last, making myself uncomfortable and allowing others to walk over me.

I have started pushing back this year (a 2025 goal for me) and have realised that people often do not like it. Often the people who bleet on about how you should be stronger, push back more, say no more, do not like it at all when you finally do.

I had someone last week say to me ‘what do you mean no?’ they were so used to me being a doormat! Im sure I’ll get the ‘Sillymillie90 has changed!!’ exclamations when all it means is that when they said I should say no more, they meant not to them though. 😂

Be ready for that OP.

I really struggle with people pleasing. I think sometimes it's because most people are well meaning and I don't want to upset friends or appear awkward or self centred.

I've worked hard not to be. But you have to be prepared to annoy and anger the people who are used to you saying yes. I worked out who was taking the pi55, and started saying no to them, drawing boundaries with some, refusing requests from others, and in the meantime developing greater clarity around what I want to be doing. It's taken me time to get there but I'm happy and comfortable with where Ive reached.

Serious offenders tend to be:

• husbands (start by not finding everything for them or being their slave)
• children - if they can stand up they can help with chores (and it builds their self-confidence). if they're a teen they can cook, clean their own clothes and at least clean their room
• Friends who take - just be systematic identifying the who and stop lifting for them
• For me one sibling in particular - just don't help them as much anymore

People don’t treat you with respect. You become invisible and no one values your opinion because you will always agree with whatever is said.
I usually think about something from my own pov. If it’s really doesn’t affect my life, or I don’t feel like doing something then I say no.

The trick is to have some pre planned responses if you are put on the spot and don’t know how to react .

I never confirm plans on the spot. I always say I have a few things on, just let me know which day/time you are thinking of and I’ll get back to you. Then I check whether it suits ME before I confirm.

im a sahm but no one has ever asked me for a child care favour. I have always made it clear that I am ‘busy’ so I don’t get roped into that. And I only share these with people who I know will reciprocate.

All this sounds selfish but I think most people are very selfish with their time and self as well, so why not. I don’t have time for CF’s or doing things that don’t make me happy. Life is just SO much better this way.

I think you don’t value yourself too much. Also not everyone is well meaning. Theres alot of takers and people who are happy to disappoint you. If you have to really please people to keep relationships then you’re buying that relationship and it’s not really based on something genuine.

I think you need to take some responsibility for that, though. You’ve trained people, presumably over many years, to expect a certain kind of ‘service’ from you. Then you changed the ‘rules’.

They don’t know you’ve had a lightbulb moment about your people-pleasing.

From their POV, you’re just someone who apparently willingly gave them a lift twice a week or whatever, never said no, said ‘Oh, it’s no problem!’ if asked it it was taking you out of your way, and refused petrol money etc. They have no idea you’ve been suppressing massive resentment about it for years, because you were never honest with them.

A pp correctly said up the thread that people -pleasing is about preventing yourself from having to deal with the discomfort caused by saying ‘No’. That’s what you’re now feeling. But presumably you’re also recognising that in fact people-pleasing was causing you a different set of uncomfortable feelings, like resentment at your services being assumed or not appreciated.

Omg what you say in your middle paragraph is SO SO true !!!!!!!

The people who loved humiliating me saying I needed more confidence - abd saying this in public absolutely DON’T LIKE being stood up to even in a mild way !!

Oh absolutely. I am on a mess of my own making but the only way to get out of it is to push on and hopefully the penny roll stop.

I’m also under no illusions that it was my lack of self esteem that caused this. I wouldn’t say I was dishonest more that I was just eager to be liked. Although you could say dishonesty even if not meant can still be dishonest.

I’ve experienced that so much. It’s like they wanted me to stand up to people - but not them though. They didn’t mean say no to them! 😄

Of course it's up to you to say no - but sometimes it's bloody hard, often damn near impossible without incurring massive casualties and whilst some people don't give a shit who they offend or upset - the fallout from ceasing to please will no doubt cause you pain. I mentioned up the thread that I have lost 4 siblings from saying no - I never had them really but the loss was hard nonetheless. I was conditioned to avoid conflict, I didn't see what I had become to my siblings for several years, I feel very upset by how quickly they dropped me but also grateful that they showed me who they were by finally doing something so repugnant that it was an easy decision to make - there was no talking it through, no misunderstanding - just a very clear message.
Anyone who survives a dysfunctional family upbringing - you have my sympathies and my support, walking away from your friends is hard, walking away from your family is another level.

I have stopped people pleasing after being taken advantage of by 'friends' in the past. The sad thing is that there's not that many people left in my life now, and I find it very hard to form new connections. I suppose at least I am protecting my peace, but it can be lonely. I definitely match the energy of the people that I have left in my life, and practice boundaires, and that has helped me remain in control a bit.

I’m married to a people pleaser. It’s incredibly draining. I can’t actually trust what he says.

Sometimes, he’ll offer / agree to do something ‘for me’.

Then it turns out that he had a really busy day planned already (but he didn’t tell me this), and the thing that he offered to do for me takes him miles out of his way (again he doesn’t tell me this), and now he’s carrying even more heavy bags home and somehow that’s all my fault?

Because he couldn’t bring himself to be honest and say ‘sorry, I’ve got loads on and I’m not in that area tomorrow. I can do it another day, but if it’s urgent you’ll need to go yourself’.

if i put something on the shopping list and he’d can’t find it in the supermarket, he will trail round 4 different shops until he finds it 🙄. And it’s my fault he’s exhausted.